Meet the co-parents
Arrangement is not failure, experts say
Drake recently confirmed he’s a dad — his son Adonis was born in October 2017 — and he’s co-parenting with former adult film star Sophie Brussaux.
The Canadian rapper reveals his feelings about being a father in his latest album Scorpion. His song March 14 says: “I’m out here on front lines just trying to make sure that I see him sometimes … Now I’m embarrassed to tell them I ended up as a co-parent.” Embarrassed or not, co-parenting is not a failure. A parenting split is often unplanned, and obviously Drake has mixed feelings about coparenting, but being a co-parent is part of the new modern family, a broader reinvention of the family unit.
Lots of celebrity couples who have split remain committed to putting their children first.
Actors Josh Lucas and writer Jessica Ciencin Henriquez split a few years ago but told People recently that “we are both totally committed to raising our son and being in love with our son.” They practice a co-parenting arrangement called “bird’s nesting” — they rotate their stays in one New York City home while young Noah Rev gets to stay in the home and isn’t shuttled back and forth between two different houses.
“From our experience, we see shared parenting becoming much more popular,” explains Diana Isaac, a Toronto-based family lawyer at Shulman Law Firm. “Judges are more receptive towards it and also an increasing number of fathers are litigating for it.” According to Isaac, there is a misconception about parents being unable to effectively co-parent because of a breakdown in a relationship or the absence of a romantic relationship.
“Take the hip-hop artist, Drake, for example; he had a very shortlived romantic relationship with a woman and now they have a child. “Co-parenting is possible if you remain child-focused and use effective means of communicating,” says Isaac, adding that although Drake likely travels quite a bit, electronic communication allows co-parents to discuss schedules and air grievances without having to pick up the phone, talk in person, or stress out the child by turning them into a messenger.
So it’s time for Drake to redefine reality.
Building early primary attachments are optimal and so too stability and consistency in co-parenting, along with non-conflict interactions.
“I am noticing in my practice that there is a growing trend toward shared parenting. The concept of shared parenting does not presume an equal split of parenting time,” says Isaac. “The focus is on both parents engaging in active parenting, the quality of parenting and providing separate but healthy environments for the child to thrive in.”
Times are changing: According to the 2016 Census, “81.3 per cent of children aged 0 to 14 in lone parent families were living with their mother, and 18.7 per cent were living with their father . ... During the 15-year period from 2001 to 2016, the number of children living with a lone father grew much faster (34.5 per cent) than the number of those living with a lone mother (4.8 per cent).” Apparently, fathers’ roles are being acknowledged and they ’re increasingly being awarded joint custody of their children. Shared parenting is in the child’s best interest because if a child can have both parents involved in their lives despite a relationship breakdown, the child can develop healthy and unique relationships with both parents, says Isaac.
“The child’s sense of stability is reinforced when parents are working together and this reduces stress because parents are less apt to engage in conflict and work together,” she adds. Co-parenting requires patience, empathy and a lot of communication — not easy for parents who aren’t together anymore or were never together. The focus has to be on the kids and their needs. According to Isaac, one of the biggest mistakes separated parents make is involving the kids in adult conflict.
“Parents should never be discussing any family law proceedings in earshot of the children or telling their children the amount of spousal support or child support they have to pay to their ex. Divorce does not hurt your children, but conflict does,” she says. “Children should be kept out of the conflict and as a responsible parent, it is your job to shield your child from this challenging time.”