HOW DO YOU WANT TO DIE?
Windsor’s first ‘death doula’ helps plan final days
Even in death, it’s good to have goals.
Whether it’s planning a living funeral, creating a memorial video or preparing for tough decisions, Windsor’s first death doula wants to help people do dying right. “End of life, this is your last hurrah. This is your last go at it,” said John Antoniw, 28, director of Death Doula Services of Windsor Essex. “How do you want to die? What does a good death look like to you? How do you want your life to be remembered?” Similar to how a midwife or doula assists people giving birth, a death doula helps clients and their families with the dying process. Death doulas have been popular in the U.S. and Western Canada for several years. Antoniw said they ’ve been slower to gain traction further east, but are popping up in places like Toronto and Ottawa. Jennifer Wells, vice-president of family service at Families First funeral home, said a death doula can provide a valuable service in caring for the “whole person.” “Part of that whole person is their family, how to prepare a family for a death that’s going to take place,” she said. “So I definitely think that when families come into our care after one of those services, they’re more open on how to celebrate that life. They come into our care with less baggage. There’s less trauma.”
The first few people Antoniw has helped aren’t actually dying. “The clients I’ve worked with have been a bit younger,” said Antoniw, also a social worker and co-ordinator at the University of Windsor’s peer counselling centre. “No diagnosis or anything. They ’re just trying to be proactive about getting those things in order.” They wanted advanced care planning, which includes communicating the medical decisions a person wants in case they’re unable to do it later on. “Would I want to be on a ventilator? What does quality of life look like to me, and when would it not be quality of life anymore?” said Antoniw. “Having those discussions and then documenting that, as well as talking about a substitute decision maker. So if you’re unable to communicate your medical desires, who do you want to make those decisions for you?”
His other services include “legacy work,” such as creating memorial scrapbooks and videos, or writing letters to children and grandchildren for special occasions. Antoniw will also help plan living funerals, mediate difficult family meetings, and do “vigiling ” during a person’s last hours.
“The big thing is emotional support,” he said. “Being there to talk to, being that outside person. During active death we can provide vigiling where we’ll stay with you while you’re actively dying.” Antoniw, who has degrees in psychology, sociology, education and social work, said he’s been intrigued by the dying process for most of his life. It wasn’t until he read a story about a death doula a few years ago that he found his calling.
He graduated this year from Douglas College, a school based in British Columbia, with an endof-life doula certificate. “End of life is one of the most vulnerable times of our lives,” said Antoniw. “It’s one of the most sacred rites of passage we have as human beings.”
“So for me, it’s the big social justice piece of ensuring every individual has that equitable experience to be able to communicate their needs, communicate their goals and ensure they have a good death, whatever that looks like to them. And that they’re able to have their life remembered how they want it preserved and remembered.”
For more information about Death Doula Services of Windsor Essex, go to ddswe.ca.