‘It’s good to make new friends,’ they say. Oh, really
At this age, you get used to the occasional shock. I’m not talking about the “why are my teeth growing?” shock. Or the “how can Una Stubbs be 80?” shock. I refer to catching your friends, your old and most trusted friends, cheating on you: committing friend adultery with new, probably younger, presumably more attractive friends.
At the weekend, we had B and J (very old friends) to supper. We don’t see each other much because we live hundreds of miles apart, but it’s understood that we are in the highest Grand Thetan order of friends, and that they would rather see us (plus some other very old friends) than anyone else.
Of course they have other good friends, as we do. But the inner circle of trust is full up. Membership is closed. We’re not saying that newer friends aren’t really important, just that they’re not in the same league. We’ve never expressed this out loud, because you don’t need to — that is what everyone thinks.
Apart from B and J, it turns out, who have been seeing a new couple behind our backs. It’s been going on for a year, at least (they were pretty vague about when it started), and they’ve even been away with them on a couple of minibreaks, including one to Berlin. Unbelievable.
So many questions rush into your head. Is that why they weren’t around on the bank holiday? Is it because we stopped making an effort? ( We thought they liked going to Cornwall, year after year.) What have the new ones got that we haven’t? Why now?
“How could you?” we said. “Who are these losers, anyway?”
“Actually, they’re really great,’ they said. (Notice, not: “You’d like them. You must meet them.” They want to keep it to a neat double-dating four.)
“But why do you need new friends?” we said. Because it’s not as if we haven’t had plenty of opportunities for a bit on the side (including a couple, one of whom is a reasonably well-known actor). We could have been cultivating interesting new best friends, but we didn’t because we thought what we had, together, for better or worse, was enough.
“It’s good to make new friends,” they laughed.
How to get on with friends on holiday
“Ha ha. Not ones you go on holiday with, on your own!” we said. “Squeeze them into a dinner party by all means. Go to the cinema if you must. Don’t do things together in swimming costumes. That is betrayal.”
Which brought us to the matter of what distinguishes a big friendshipfor-life from a lesser friendship. In my opinion (they didn’t agree), a really good friend is one who you can go on a do-nothing holiday with, and watch TV with (as opposed to making amusing conversation).
The other sort of friend, you can do the show-off things with: din- ners, festivals and so on. But only really old friends can ignore each other and relax in each other’s company like family. And they are the only ones you want at a funeral.
This still doesn’t explain how B and J managed to make minibreakcalibre friends at this stage. Part of the reason why we’ve taken this so hard (the new couple are younger, by the way, and very “active”) is because — if truth be told — we have tried to enlist some new friends in recent years, with zero success.
There’s one particular couple we’ve known for a while, who seem ideal, but so far we haven’t managed to get past second base (dinner). Having asked them on holiday (and been rejected), it’s not clear whether a) we like them more than they like us; b) they are genuinely busy; or c) they think it’s uncool and a bit creepy that we’re trying to turn them into better friends at this stage of our lives, when anyone normal should have more than enough good friends to be getting on with.
You don’t get any of that dating anxiety with old friends. Or at least you didn’t.
Jodyne Speyer, author of
shares her top tips for defriending nicely. (Well, as nicely as you can when you’re phasing someone out.)
Try your best to give them the heads-up that something is coming before you break up with them. I said to one friend, ‘I don’t love it when you talk over me.’ It made it easier when I did end the relationship — you’re reminding them when you break up that you’d mentioned the issue before, and it’s now become a much bigger problem for you.
Focus on just one or two reasons. It’s very easy to put a long list together of everything your friend has done wrong. Often we get to a breaking point and it could all come pouring out. But really try to focus on one or two issues causing you to end the friendship.
Choose the right method to deliver your message. Before social media we used to think it had to be done in person. Now, while I don’t think it should be done over Facebook or Twitter, I don’t think face-to-face is always best. I’m a fan of writing an email. You can sit with your thoughts and take your time over what you want to say. I suggest then walking away for 24 hours and letting your feelings settle before you press the send button.
Allow your ‘friend’ to respond. No one can convince you to stay in a relationship but if your friend wants to come back and say something, you need to hear them out. Your job is to listen but not respond — you could fuel more fallout. Let them respond, hear them, then get out of the conversation as quickly as you can.