Is your partner emotionally abusive?
Eight signs that indicate the exercise of coercive control
There is a growing awareness around the signs of coercive control — the emotional and psychological abuse of a partner, through threats and restrictions, as well as physical violence. This raised profile is thanks, in part, to last year’s storyline in The Archers — involving Helen Titchener and her emotionally abusive husband Rob.
The BBC Radio 4 soap was following a new law on coercive control, which was introduced at the end of 2015, after a Home Office consultation — and can carry a jail term of up to five years.
The law — which has been praised by women’s charities — can help victims achieve justice and will hopefully instigate cultural change around this lesser-known side of domestic abuse. Although it was only used five times between December 2015 and March 2016, there are now signs that emotionally abusive behaviour is being recognised and taken seriously. This week, it emerged that a police officer who banned girlfriends from talking to men, wearing red nail polish or accepting Tesco deliveries if he was not at home has been kicked off the force.
PC Wayne Hodge, 38, monitored two girlfriends’ movements and became jealous if he saw them around other men. He also used police systems to check-up on them, while on duty. A disciplinary panel found he had breached standards of honesty and integrity, authority respect and courtesy, and discreditable conduct, saying they were satisfied “he was behaving in a controlling and coercive manner.”
It raises a number of questions for people in unhappy relationships, who might start to wonder whether their partner’s behaviour falls under emotional abuse. That’s why we asked Polly Neate, former chief executive of national domestic violence charity Women’s Aid, to explain what constitutes coercive control — and where the line falls in any relationship.
Emotional abuse happens over a sustained period of time, where the perpetrator repeatedly controls their victim.
“From our point of view, when we are talking about domestic violence it’s not the case that one argument crosses the line and it becomes an abusive relationship,” explains Polly Neate. “It’s a pattern in the relationship, where one partner is controlling and there’s an ongoing sense of fear.”
“With domestic violence, (usually male) partners behave in a way that’s designed to intimidate, frighten or coerce their victim’s behaviour,” says Neate.
When a victim is frightened of their partner and treads on eggshells out of fear of their reaction, that’s a problem.
[It’s abuse] if you feel frightened of your partner and you’re worrying about the consequences of what externally might be relatively minor things. If he gets angry at the slightest thing. If you have to do every thing his way. If you’re worried and feel like your behaviour will ‘set him off ’.”
Neate gives me one example, where a man told his partner that she had to wrap cheese in a particular way before putting it in the fridge. If she did it wrong, he would scream and shout at her.
“We all have funny little things like that. But the point is she was frightened of his response,” she explains. “He didn’t hit her, but she knew he would see it as a symbol that she didn’t love him and she was trying to wind him up. It seems like a minor thing to you — but it has a big impact to them.”
In a healthy relationship, equality is present. If one person has particular needs, they accept that their partner will also have their own needs.
But an abuser will not think about their partner, and generally puts themselves first. “It doesn’t go the other way,” says Neate. “There’s no consideration that you’re upset.
“Perpetrators of domestic violence do it because they feel entitled to behave that way. They think their partner is there to meet to their needs and they’re entitled to take whatever they want.”
‘Gas lighting’ is when someone exhibits abusive behaviour and then pretends it didn’t happen — or even switches blame on to the victim. It’s also common among psychological abusers.
“It can be very confusing,” says Neate. “It can cause serious problems when a woman starts to doubt herself. That’s very difficult to get your head around as a survivor. It takes a woman a long time to recognise that the nice behaviour and abusive behaviour are both a conscious decision on the behalf of the perpetrator.”
In a healthy relationship, if one person tells their partner just how unhappy they are with their behaviour, they may be upset, annoyed or both. But they will eventually get over it. Neate explains that an abuser will not react that way.
“A perpetrator is unwilling ever to listen to why you’re unhappy and will often minimise what has happened. If they’re not willing to do any work towards your relationship that would be really concerning, as would being too scared to talk about it in the first place.
“All of us in relationships mess up sometimes and don’t behave appropriately. If you’re frightened and worried and feel like you have to give up on the things that are important to you in order to make your partner OK, and to avoid his bad behaviour, that’s where the line is.”
Neate explains that control is a significant factor in psychological abuse, and a perpetrator can exact it in a number of ways, such as not letting their partner go out or visit friends and family.
It can also be financial, with a perpetrator controlling their victim’s money, or it can be a case of the abuser not wanting to ever socialise. Control can also extend to the online realm — with tracking software used on smartphones or email and social media accounts hacked.
There doesn’t have to be any physical violence for someone to be guilty of domestic abuse. It’s not just about bruises. Often it can simply involve words, where a perpetrator might make comments designed to emotionally manipulate his victim.
Neate says: “[It’s abuse] if he or she puts you down and tells you you’re stupid and unattractive, that no one else will love you. Even if it seems to be done in a kind way, it’s still emotional abuse.”
‘I was terrified of my husband’
1
2
It’s more than just one argument:
An abuser wants to scare their victim:
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The small things count:
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5
A one-way street:
Nothing ever happened:
6
Unhappiness doesn’t matter:
7
8
Controlling
Personal
in many ways:
attacks: