More young people seek to understand romance
It was “unconventional” to have romantic relationships when Hu Yue was in university in the 1980s. “There was no education about relationships,” says the head of the psychological counseling center at Dalian University of Technology in Northeast China’s Liaoning province.
“Society was still traditional. People who fell in love tended to keep it secret.”
But it’s commonplace for youth to openly engage in romance today.
And a growing number of young people are hoping to learn how to handle the ups and downs and ins and outs of love.
Every time 21-year-old college student Wang Yinuo uses the popular Chinese video-sharing site Bilibili, she checks the account of XujieMrXu to see if its operator, 24-yearold Xu Jie, has posted another video.
Xu is an entrepreneur and parttime lecturer on PowerPoint presentation creation and public speaking at his alma mater, Nankai University.
His videos about dealing with relationships have won him 118,000 followers on Bilibili since he started posting them in July 2017.
Bilibili recommended Xu’s videos to Wang, so she started to follow Xu because she wanted to know how to approach her crush.
Xu decided to make the videos when he noticed that many single women in their late 20s wanted relationships but didn’t know how to go about it.
“They were successful in their careers but made foolish mistakes in their relationships and were even badly hurt due to their inexperience,” he says.
“I want to tell them what men usually think of relationships and offer suggestions based on my and my friends’ experiences. I hope to share more firsthand knowledge to help people dealing with confusion.”
About 79 percent of Xu’s followers are women, and 52 percent have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend.
The two most popular of his 99 videos are How to Know If a Guy Likes You and Five Mistakes Women Should Avoid When Attracting Men, with 173,000 and 164,000 views, respectively.
He selects video themes based on questions frequently asked by his fans.
Xu creates the clips in his spare time, “just for pleasure, just because I think they’re meaningful and can help others”.
He says he doesn’t intend to make money from it.
Wang says Xu not only offers good advice but has also influenced her outlook.
“I’m impressed by his idea that engaging in love is only the icing on the cake of life. It’s not a solution to a terrible life.”
Xu receives many private messages from people asking for advice on their relationship problems.
Xu addresses some in his videos and others during Bilibili livestreams.
“Many fans want answers instantly. So, I livestream when I’m free. I’m obviously limited in my ability to solve their problems, but it’s always good to talk about these things.”
Peking University instructor Li Tonggui introduced a course about the psychology of love in 2005.
It was initially an elective for psychology majors and then became available to all undergraduates.
The class doesn’t deal with tips for managing love but, rather, examines theories about intimacy.
Students apply the theories to characters in books and films.
Class participation is high. Although only 150 students can enroll every year, over 300 attend on their own.
Many universities also require students to take courses on mental health that involve discussions about romantic relationships.
Students are enthusiastic about these classes and actively join in-class discussions, says Dalian University of Technology’s Hu.
“Love is at least as important as academic achievement and career,” Hu says.
“It’s essential understands it.”
Some young people turn to psychologists when they experience relationship problems.
Common issues are finding love, resolving conflicts and overcoming breakups, says Sun Yuwei, a psychologist who offers consultation services for students at Beijing Foreign Studies University, Beijing Institute of Technology and Minzu University of China.
“We try to guide young people so that everyone they have a good understanding of love ... and of themselves.”
Xu says a common problem is many people don’t clearly know what kind of partner they want.
Sun attributes this to Chinese parents’ excessive control over their children’s lives.
“Children can’t develop strong decision-making abilities if their parents make decisions for them,” she says.
Hu says many young people have never considered this.
“They approach love instinctively and search for partners who resemble their heterosexual parents, but that’s perhaps not a reliable approach,” she says.
“Explore your personal needs and find someone who shares similar values and views.”
People should also learn about relationships from family, school and society, Hu says.
More women are actively approaching men, as the tradition of men making the first move is fading.
Hu believes that, in fact, fewer men are interested in pursuing women.
“Some say they’d rather play computer games than chase girls because it’s troublesome,” she says.
Taking the lead to start a relationship is a sign of confidence, Hu says.
“Pursue the person you love based on what you know,” she says.
“Mutual understanding is key.”