How to GET OUT DOG OF THE HOUSE
The best way to get back into the good books with my wife is via my signature spaghetti bolognaise. This recipe offsets all manner of sins, from boys’ nights out, to working too late to being too hung-over to walk the dog.
Method
1. Sear the meat in a heavy- bottomed pot as you apologise profusely for whatever mischief you’ve made. Remove and set aside. 2. Dice carrots, celery, garlic and onions, letting the bulb- induced tears double as real ones. This will foster sympathy from your disgruntled spouse. Add those to the pan and stir until soft and translucent. 3. Add herbs and spices and commence a complicated story about how the day’s events worked against you despite your superhuman efforts. 4. Deglaze the pan with wine as you butter up your babe with flattery. 5. Add meat, tomatoes and ketchup and simmer for four hours, during which time you should treat your spouse to a stress- busting back rub. 6. Boil water and dramatically toss pasta into the saucepan, wincing for a second to suggest you’ve incurred minor burns by shielding your sweetheart from the scalding liquid. 7. Remove meat sauce from heat and add liver, seasoning with salt and pepper as you whisper sweet nothings into your loved one’s ear. Top off with a splash of cream. 8. Grate the parmesan cheese, breaking off a chunk for your darling to snack on. They say the way to a man’s heart is via his stomach— it’s just as effective the other way around. 9. Boil pasta until al dente ( still firm, with bite). Your partner, by this point, should be feeling just the opposite. 10. Serve up with a generous sprinkling of cheese and watch animosity transform into ecstasy with each bite.