Your true friends will be there through thick and thin, good and bad—unless you need money. Oh, yes, your friends will be there when you want to talk about your colorectal surgery or Big Bang Theory fan fiction, but the moment you need a loan, you’ll find them staring at their shoes and kicking the dirt. Nothing kills a good friendship like loaning or borrowing cash, but, sometimes you have no other choice. Here are some tips on asking for a handout in Chinese without killing your friendships.

The first thing that one should keep in mind is that you should probably not use the word “money.” People prefer to describe their difficulty in a more euphemistic manner; for that there is 手头紧 ( sh6ut5u j@n), which roughly means “tight fists.” If you don’t want to give a specific description about what happened to you, you can go with this all-purpose term:

It’s hard to explain, but recently my fists are a little tight. So, I have to come to you for help. Zh8n b& h2oy#si k`ik6u, d3nsh# w6 zu#j#n sh6ut5u y6udi2nr j@n, zh@h2o zh2o n@ b`ngm1ng.

There you go. Now no one needs to know that you gambled all your money away or that you spent it on that nice Nigerian prince you met online. It’s hard to explain, so cough up. They may ask:

Well, how much do you need? N@ x$y3o du4shao qi1n? Say the number and add “你方便吗 ( N@ f`ngbi3n ma)?” This “Are you convenient?” has at least two meanings: “Do you have enough money at hand?” and “Are you willing to lend it to me?” Regardless, it looks like a yes-or-no question.

A: I need 5,000 RMB. Is that convenient? W6 x$y3o w^qi`n ku3i qi1n. N@ f`ngbi3n ma ? B: I just have 3,000 at hand. W6 xi3nz3i sh6ut5u zh@y6u s`nqi`n. A: That will also help. Could you lend it to me now? N3 y0 x!ng. N9ng xi`n ji- g0i w6 ma?

Nobody likes lending money, so if they hesitate, it’s human nature; some people would more happily part with a limb than their beloved, precious money. You need to win their trust. For example, you could make a promise about the return date and explain how the interest will be paid. Heck, write them a receipt if it makes them feel better.

A: I will return your money in three months with interest. I am writing a receipt. S`n g- yu- zh~h7u, li1n b0n d3i l# hu1n g0i n@, w6 zh- ji& xi0 ji-ti1o. B: You don’t need to do that. B%y7ng zh-me m1fan. A: I insist. It’s said that, ‘Financial matters should be settled clearly even between brothers.’ H1ishi y3o de. Q~nxi4ngdi m!ng su3nzh3ng ma.

Lending to a friend who’s genuinely in need can be like delivering coal on a cold, snowy day, or 雪中送炭( xu0 zh4ng s7ng t3n). As a general rule, 救急不救穷( ji& j! b% ji& qi5ng), that is, you lend financial aid to those in an emergency, but not those who are perennially in need of money. If you find yourself in the position of the lender facing a not-so-urgent situation, you won’t want to say “no.” You’ll tapdance around it, but you don’t want to look like a jerk. For this tactic, some pretexts are necessary.

If it’s not obvious, you need to plead poverty. To end the conversation quickly, the best method is to make it clear that you have no money. Based on this principle, the only thing you need to do is to give some believable whereabouts for your cash.

I’d like to, but all my money is tied up in stocks. W6 y0 xi2ng ji- g0i n@, d3n sh6ushang de qi1n d4u b-i g^pi3o t3ol1o le.

TO END THE CONVERSATION QUICKLY, THE BEST METHOD IS TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT YOU HAVE NO MONEY

Or, the “Double 11” shopping circus can be blamed.

If only you’d come to me a week earlier! I spent my paycheck during Double 11. N@ y3oshi sh3ng g- x~ngq~ l1i zh2o w6 ji& h2o le! W6 shu`ngsh!y~ b2 g4ngz~ d4u hu` le.

The second strategy is finding a scapegoat, claiming that you are not the one who controls the purse strings. Just transfer the responsibility to your parents or spouse and say that you have no say in financial matters.

My wife manages the money in our family and I am afraid she won’t agree. W6men ji` sh# w6 l2opo gu2n qi1n, k6ngp3 t` b%hu# t5ngy#.

The most effective way to avoid lenders is to live a low-key life and show them you don’t have much to offer. Nip any attempt to borrow money in the bud. Folk wisdom tells us: if you are poor, no one bothers visiting even if you live downtown, but if you are wealthy, distant relatives come to your door even if you live deep inside a mountain. (贫居闹市无人问，富在深山有远亲。P!ng j$ n3osh# w% r9n w-n, f& z3i sh8nsh`n y6u yu2nq~n.)

If you are faced with a true friend that you really care for, be as generous as you like, but remember that no matter how good of a friend they are, they may be a horrible debtor. When the deadline is due and they don’t have your money or a reasonable explanation, things can get very ugly. As we say in Chinese, 欠债还钱，天经地义。( Qi3nzh3i hu1nqi1n, ti`n j~ng d# y#. Paying back debts is a mandate of heaven.) Still, be gentle. B: The problem is solved, all thanks to your help. I will return the money soon. W-nt! y@j~ng ji0ju9 le, du4ku~ n@ b`ngm1ng. W6 hu# j@ nku3i hu1nqi1n.

This is a very risky strategy, however, because they may actually need to borrow more and you’ve just painted yourself into a corner. So feel free to make up your own excuse.

A: I am sorry to ask, but there’s an emergency. Can you give me that money I lent you last time? B& h2oy#si, w6 y6u j@nj! q!ngku3ng. N@ n9ng b2 sh3ng c# de qi1n hu1n g0i w6 ma?

Whether you’re the lender or borrower, it’s always good to pay your debts on time. Remember: 好借好还，再借不难( H2o ji- h2o hu1n, z3i ji- b& n1n. Return what you borrow on time, you’ll be welcome to borrow next time).

A PERHAPS MORE MACHIAVELLIAN APPROACH WOULD BE TO ASK AFTER THEIR WELL-BEING

IBelonged to You was released two days before October 1, China’s National Day—a day that seeks to unify the nation—and one can only hope that the film in question is not in any way representative of the country or its film industry. The picture is such a saccharine mess that it is hard to decide what is more depressing: that it was made in the first place or that it did so well at the box office. You should be careful what you wish for, but this is a film that makes you wish that the Chinese censors were so much tougher than they actually are, and that instead of concerning themselves with the relatively mundane issues of political sensitivity and vulgarity, they could up their game and work towards a bit of quality control.

The plot, though this unfairly suggests the film has a clear sense of direction, centers around an egotistical talk show DJ, Chen Mo, played by Chinese pretty boy Deng Chao. Early in the film, in the first of its poorly executed slapstick scenes, Chen is jilted by his lover and co-host Xiaorong (Du Juan) live on air, causing Chen to be morose for the entire film…well, at least until Xiaorong’s replacement turns up: a cute intern named “Birdie,” who Chen inexpertly flirts with throughout the film. So inexpertly, in fact, that at one point he accidently hits her in the face, cue more dodgy slapstick. This underheated love triangle is sufficiently weak and ineffectual—deng has an annoying charm, but it is wasted here—that a further two love stories are thrown into the mix. Both involve Chen’s best buddies, and both are doomed to failure. Chen’s best friend, Chubby, performs the well-known archetype, the funny fat guy, though he is largely more pathetic than humorous. He is jilted days before he is set to get married and, oddly, spends