Unpacking stonewalling as a defensive mechanism
WORDS may sting but silence is what breaks the heart”.
Stonewalling has become a defensive mechanism for many of us, be it in the workplace, relationship or any other union we may find ourselves in. When one shuts down or withdraws from communication this hinders effective communication.
Refusing to engage in constructive communication to address the issue at hand may lead to other factors, for example, mental health issues. I firmly believe in open communication. I call a spade a shovel, straightforward. If I disagree with someone, I tell them, regardless of the outcome, honesty, in most cases sets both parties free and gives room for those involved to eventually smoke the peace pipe.
From reel life to real life, we all have heard time and time again, ‘real men don’t cry’ But does it really help? What happens when men reach their breaking point and who suffers the most?
In today’s article, we focus on men’s mental health and how in most cases men prefer to stonewall if they are not offered a safe space to deal with their issues. When your partner emotionally switches off, it can be hard to know how to play it.
Whether it’s mid-argument or out of the blue, there’s simply no way of getting through to them. If you’re lucky, you get one or two-word answers. If you’re not, you get deafening silence. The situation can feel impossible—but this one-sided defence mechanism is so common, it actually has a name.
Stonewalling is when one person is cognitively or emotionally inaccessible to another person. In relationships, this means one partner blocks out the other in a figurative or literal sense.
Unsurprisingly, this defensive stance often harks back to our childhoods. “Stonewalling is often a survival mechanism of sorts. It is sometimes from one’s childhood and family and other times it is learned in adult relationships,” says therapist Doug Roest-gyimah.
“If someone is afraid of conflict— say they grew up in a household where conflict meant a lack of safety or sudden instability—they might shut down to maintain a sense of safety.”
3 signs and examples of stonewalling
Chances are, you can recognize stonewalling when you see it. Your partner may go blank, pull away, or give you the silent treatment. Let’s take a closer look at the signs signs.
Your partner shuts down
“If one partner stops responding, goes silent, or starts staring at the ground or into space, [that is] a sign of stonewalling,” explains Roest-gyimah. “Unresponsiveness is the most blatant form of stonewalling.”
You Receive One-word Answers “If in the middle of a conversation or argument one partner begins to be short, saying ‘yup,’ ‘sure,’ ‘uh-huh,’ these are signs of stonewalling.
The person is intentionally not sharing the full content of their inner experience,” adds Roest-gyimah.
You feel distant from your partner after the argument
How Stonewalling Hurts Relationships If you or your partner build up a figurative wall every time there’s a disagreement, you aren’t practising healthy communication. As Roest-gyimah explains, this habit can reverberate through every part of your relationship. Here’s what you need to know.
Stonewalling can lead to unresolved issues “Once one partner denies access from the other partner, the original issues and grievances that were brought up are now left unaddressed,” says Roest-Gyimah. “Sure, the stonewalling partner avoided having to continue to engage in uncomfortable dialogue, but as a byproduct, the important issues were also avoided. Stonewalling avoids two things— discomfort and resolving issues.”
Stonewalling can cause disrespect between partners
It doesn’t end there. Stonewalling is a matter of respect—or lack thereof. “When someone shuts you out, it can feel quite disrespectful, even hurtful. In love that lasts, there is also respect. When couples get to a point of not feeling respected by one another, they are in trouble and should seek help,” says Roest-gyimah.
Stonewalling Can Make One Partner Feel Lonely “A lack of access to a partner can be quite isolating and lonely. The opposite of loneliness is connection and to truly connect to another, we need access to their honest thoughts and emotions,” says Roest-gyimah.
“Letting someone into our inner world is allowing both of us to feel close and connected. Chronic stonewalling can lead to chronic loneliness. Many couples have said to me, ‘It’s like we are in the same room but still apart.’”
Stonewalling can spawn anger and resentment
Stonewalling can result in intense conflict. “This is often because being ignored can trigger some really deep wounds in us,” us, says Roest-gyimah. Roest Gyimah. “If we grew up with caregivers who were constantly inaccessible, emotionally cold, or withdrew affection when our lover ignores us, it can send us into a whirlwind of hurt.”
For a lot of people, this is the worst part: “Emotional withdrawal is more triggering for some than others. Some seem to be able to handle their partner checking out just fine. On the other hand, for some, it can hurt really bad,” he adds. “In those people, stonewalling should be addressed at its first signs.”
Stonewalling can be a form of gaslighting anyone who has experienced gaslighting knows how upsetting it can be when your partner calls your sense of reality into question. If done intentionally, stonewalling can be a form of gaslighting: Being ignored or given one-word answers can make you doubt your (valid) concerns, especially if your partner is also denying your feelings during an argument.
How to deal with stonewalling
So, how do you address stonewalling? When you’ve noticed the above signs and want to change your relationship for the better, there are some strategies you can use. Ignoring the problem won’t make it go away. Try the following expert-backed approaches instead.
See a relationship therapist
““First, of course, it can help to work thr through these common but problematic con conflict patterns with a professional,” say says Roest-gyimah. “We can’t always be obj objective in our own relationships, and we tend to have blind spots when it comes to our own stuff.” A therapist may see something that the two of you have not. so ma . Approach your partner with kindness “Some “people have no issues marching forward forw and righteously arguing with others. oth If you are that person, realize that tha your partner needs a sense of safety, calmness, calm quietness, and slowness,” says Roest-gyimah. Roe “Show that you respect their the need for safety, without shutting down dow your own needs to have the dialogue. The more aggressive you are, the more likely like they are to shut down.”
Be clear and direct
Getting G your tone right is everything. “We “W don’t want to walk on eggshells. We also don’t want to aggressively pursue it. There is a happy medium: calm, clear, and direct. Stonewalling often becomes a pursuer pur and distancer game that we can play. play We want to get out of the game and back bac into healthy adult communication.”
Pinpoint the problem
““If you are the one who finds yourself shu shutting people out, it’s important to get to t the function of that behaviour so it can be worked through,” says Roest-gyimah. “Ar “Are you shutting down because you start to f feel unsafe or sense aggression? Or do you feel hopeless, like no matter what you say you will be argued into a corner? Once we realize why we can talk about it and try to a address it.”
S Stonewalling is, well, what it sounds like like. In a discussion or argument, the list listener withdraws from the interaction, shu shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker because they are feeling overwhelmed or physiologically flooded. Metaphorically speaking, they build a wall between them and their partner.
Rather than confronting the issue, someone who is stonewalling will be totally unresponsive, making evasive manoeuvres such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviours. It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable “out,” but when it does, it frequently becomes a habit.
When you are making every effort to address a problem, whether you are attempting to talk about something that is upsetting you, explain your feelings about an ongoing area of conflict, or try to reach a resolution — and your partner is pretending that you aren’t there — you are likely to reach a level of frustration or anger so high that you psychologically and emotionally “check out” as well.
Trying to communicate with someone who is acting in this way can be frustrating, and if the stonewalling continues, infuriating.
What’s the antidote to stonewalling?
When one person begins stonewalling, usually they are physiologically flooded, which has a number of indicators: increased heart rate, the release of stress hormones into the bloodstream, and even a figh-tor-flight response. When that happens, it is impossible to continue discussing the issue at hand in a rational and respectful way; you’re simply too physiologically agitated to do so.
The first part of the antidote to stonewalling is to STOP.
However, this is a bit easier said than done.
If y you try y to stop p the argument g and walk away singlehandedly, that could be interpreted by your partner as an even bigger display of stonewalling, and it could escalate the situation.
What you’ll need to do is agree ahead of time on an appropriate and recognizable way to take a break.
Think of a neutral signal that you and your partner can use in a conversation to let each other know when one of you feels flooded with emotion.
This can be a word, a phrase, a physical motion, or simply raising both hands into a stop position.
Come up with your own! And if you choose a silly or ridiculous signal, you may find that the very use of it helps to deescalate the situation.
Really, it doesn’t matter what that request for a break looks or sounds like, as long as it is respectful and that both you and your partner agree to recognize it when you need a break and, most importantly, agree to honour that request for a break.
So, if you are stonewalling and feeling flooded, say that you need a break using whatever signal, word, or phrase you and your partner have decided upon. Let each other know when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
Then, you need to walk away and do something soothing on your own. This break should last at least twenty minutes since it will take that much time for your body to physiologically calm down.
Building healthy relationship skills supports men’s mental health
Healthy relationships positively influence men’s well-being. Men who are partnered or married live longer lives than single men, and they have better mental health than women and unpartnered men.
Marriage appears to offer a protective influence on men’s health, reducing loneliness, depression and suicidality and is associated with less substance and alcohol use.
Despite these benefits, male suicide continues to be a global crisis. As men’s health researchers, , our focus has been on men’s suicidality. Much of this work is motivated by the fact that men complete suicide at three to four times the rate of women and are known to use more lethal methods (guns, asphyxiation) to end their lives.
While major depression is a contributing factor to suicidality, a recent review concluded that being unmarried, single, divorced or widowed are also strong predictors of suicidality among men.
Men who adhere to traditional aspects of masculinity — emotional stoicism, needing to be in control, fear of being seen as weak for seeking help — are more likely to self-isolate, resort to anger or aggression, or self-harm when they experience distress.
The links between men’s mental illness, suicidality and intimate relationships are particularly concerning when considering the high rates of divorce and separation in countries including Canada, Australia and Britain.
To investigate the intersection of men’s health and intimate relationships, we conducted in-depth, semi-structured interviews over Zoom with 49 men and 30 service providers who work with male clients. We collected men’s first-person experiences of an intimate partner breakup, as well as providers’ perspectives of relationship challenges and how masculinity influences men’s coping in strained relationships.
The impact of relationship loss
Interestingly, men enjoyed interviewing from home in familiar surroundings and openly shared detailed stories about their relationship break-ups. They also reported anxiety, depression and suicidality in the aftermath of a relationship ending. We found that relationship loss exacerbated pre-existing mental health issues for some men, and for others, it catalyzed the onset of mental health challenges.
Men in long- and short-term partnerships talked about the challenges they faced during their relationships: domestic conflict, parenting stressors, infidelity, illness or job loss. They also discussed how these issues made it difficult for them to effectively negotiate with a partner to maintain and grow their relationship, or amicably separate.
Gendered aspects of traditional masculinity, such as autonomous problem-solving, maintaining control over life events and being seen as a confident family man, were tested and undone by distressed relationships.
The men described their distressed states, fragile mental health and potential for breaking down in the wake of breaking up. Many participants commented on how they struggled with the emotional work involved in sustaining a long-term relationship.
Intense emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt and regret, were triggered by the loss of partners and manifested in varying degrees of anxiety, depression, and for some men, suicidality. Several men detailed their experience of panic attacks that led to hospitalisation in the wake of a break-up.
To cope with emotional distress, many men relied on alcohol, “Herculean” amounts of cannabis, excessive exercising, frenzied dating, marathon gaming and other emotion-blunting strategies. However, we also learned that with time, most men sought out friends and family for support and searched for books, podcasts and online resources to alleviate distress and better understand relationship dynamics.
Some men reached out beyond their own networks and joined parenting or divorce groups and found activities with male peers helped improve their mental health. Many attended professional therapy to address longstanding mental health issues or experience the benefits of professional therapeutic rapport for the first time.
Relationship skills
Because the influence of intimate partner relationships on men’s health and on others in their lives is so pivotal, the question of relationship skills arises. We performed a scoping review — an assessment of the t scope of available research of relatio relationship skills training for men. It concluded that existing programs tend to be corrective corre in nature, designed to change m men’s behaviour in the context of fa family or intimate partner violence. There T are few settings, courses or programs upstream of domestic vi violence that teach men relations relationship skills from the perspe perspective of healthy masc masculinity.
It may be timely to dev develop relationship skills tra training and interventions to support men in coping with the stressors inherent in intimate relationships to benefit their health and th those around them.
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