Healing from bereavement: Grief vs mourning
I Tis almost amazing to think yesterday, the world celebrated International Youth Day. Amazing because we live in a time where we have selective amnesia about their role in society, especially in the African context. One hopes the commemoration rekindled their importance.
We cannot even dream of a world without the youth.
Yet, at times we see a global society that still does not fully open up for them to be equal players in development despite many efforts by youth empowerment activists. They are forgotten, yet we cannot afford to leave them behind.
SUGGESTED
In a feature I penned in February 2022, I suggested that perhaps a legacy the Minister of Youth would have would be to convince the government to have the word ‘youth’ mentioned in every different ministerial statement. This suggestion meant if the topic were natural resources, the word youth would also pop up; if it were agriculture, it would also pop up.
My thinking or feeling was that should the youth feel a political will for their involvement in the country’s socioeconomic development, they too would come on board to play their part. Well, even society would embrace them more if they were seen or heard to be vital cogs in the development machinery of a country because it starts there. But I am not a politician, nor do I aspire
Talking about death brings bad luck” they say, yet honestly speaking, there is no pain out there that compares to that of losing a loved one. One would have thought that the recent alarming wave of losing loved ones during the COVID-19 pandemic would have taught us a thing or two, and even bettered how we relate, perceive and handle death. Unfortunately, no matter how many times we experience it, it is very difficult (if not impossible) to get used let alone get over it.
The worst part is that it is inevitable and in most cases, happens when least expected.
TRUTH
Another very sad truth is that we have been socialised to fear almost everything to do with death so much that even thinking, speaking or discussing about it is seen and regarded a taboo.
Also, there are so many aged practices and rituals associated with bereavement that make the whole experience even more unbearable and very difficult to deal with.
When the COVID-19 pandemic happened with its many restrictions put in place, the biggest hope was that some of these
We cannot even dream of a world without the youth, as they play an important role.
to be one.
Perhaps things that appear simple to me sitting under this avocado tree are not so easy.
Thankfully though, in the Speech from the Throne in the same February, His Majesty King Mswati III brilliantly articulated that “this year, the country will accelerate efforts to continue creating an enabling empowerment environment for the youth’s innovation and creativity to flourish.
It is critical that our young people are given the appropriate skills that will empower them in economic growth initiatives of all scales.” It was a landmark statement reminding all sectors of the importance of the youth in the country’s development. Eight months into the year, we have seen a few initiatives by the likes of Junior Achievement Eswatini to host a Youth Summit to try and create this enabling environment. But apart from them, practices that worsen the process of grieving and mourning would permanently go away.
Unfortunately, they never completely went away and yes, there is a difference between grieving and mourning.
In fact, the biggest part and breakthrough in one’s personal healing journey after losing a dearest, came after understanding and being able to distinguish the difference between the two. According to R. Deveney, the difference between grief and mourning is the internal versus external nature of the processes.
Grief relates to the thoughts and feelings that accompany a loss; from sadness and anger, to longing to be with the person.
It is actually the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies.
EXPERIENCE
Think of grief as the container. It holds your thoughts, feelings, and images of your experience when someone you love dies. In other words, grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of loss.
On the other hand, mourning can be said to be how ones’ feelings of grief are shown to the public. In other words, it is when you take the grief you have on the inside and express it outside yourself. Another way of defining mourning is ‘grief gone public’ or ‘the outward expression of grief.’
There is no one right or only there has been little else.
We still await that landmark statement that all statements from the government will have the word youth in them.
Then again, perhaps I was being over-ambitious. Nonetheless, it was my wish, and we are all entitled to daydream.
As an advocate for youth empowerment, I usually rub many the wrong way when I suggest that the youth need to be involved in the country’s socioeconomic development.
One gentleman in a WhatsApp group I was in said to me, “that is YOUR view, not a national view,” when I said the youth rightly deserved a seat at the table of nation building.
But today, as I reflect on the International Youth Day, I am pardoned by the United Nations (UN) that it is not MY view but a global view that youth need to be a part of society. way to mourn.
Talking about the person who died, crying, expressing your thoughts and feelings through art or music, journaling, praying, and celebrating special anniversary dates that held meaning for the person who died, are just a few examples of mourning.
As indicated earlier, apart from having to deal with bereavement as raw as it comes, many times what often makes it even more difficult are all the many existing unnecessary rituals and practices, mostly misinformed by the plenty bereavement myths that exist out there.
Here below is a share of some Penning the background of International Youth Day, they said, “To achieve the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs), the world needs to leverage the full potential of all generations. Solidarity across generations is key for sustainable development.
We must collaborate to foster successful and equitable intergenerational relations and partnerships to ensure ‘no one is left behind’. It said. It goes on to state that while intergenerational solidarity and concern for future generations is being called for in tackling global issues – with the UN secretary-general (SG) recently putting forward new recommendations on renewed intergenerational solidarity, including in Our Common Agenda – many challenges remain. Challenges like my suggestion being ignored. I never met the current UN SG.
FUTURE
I shook hands with the previous one, Ban Ki-Moon, in New York at the UN Head Quarters. In his brief address to us as a visiting group of 12 journalists from various continents, he said, “Young people are the present and the future. We believe you are important players in the nation-building of your countries.”
That was in 2011. Fast forward to 2022, 11 years later, the message from the current SG — inclusivity. The UN stated that this year’s International Youth Day theme — ‘Intergenerational Solidarity: Creating a World for All Ages’ — reminded us of a basic truth: We need people of all ages, young and old alike, to join forces to build a better world for all.
Here a decade later, the current SG echoed the sentiment planted in my soul in 2011. He said, “It is not existing myths versus facts that need to be debunked.
Myth: It’s important to strong’ in the face of loss.
Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to ‘protect’ your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you. Myth: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it
Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing, it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it. ‘be enough to listen to young people. We need to integrate them into decision-making mechanisms at the local, national and international levels.”
Speaking on the day, he said on this important day, let’s join hands across generations to break down barriers and work as one to achieve a more equitable, just and inclusive world for all people.
Coming to the crux of the matter, the SG also noted that there was a need to marry the generations. “Too often, ageism, bias and discrimination prevent this essential collaboration.
When young people are shut out of the decisions being made about their lives, or when older people are denied a chance to be heard, we all lose,” he said.
Therefore, he noted in his official Youth Day message that solidarity and collaboration were more essential than ever, as our world faced a series of challenges threatening our collective future.
From COVID-19 and climate change, to conflicts, poverty, inequality and discrimination, we need all hands on deck to achieve the SDG’s and build the better, more peaceful future we all seek. Why am I going on and on about youth every other week on this page? Because the youth is the present, the youth the future. They cannot be neglected.
What future can you have if you do not invest in the generation that will be the future leaders? We must continue celebrating the youth, not just on one day but throughout the year.
And perhaps one day, my lurid suggestion to have the word ‘youth’ as a buzzword will feature in not just government statements but all public statements.
After all, most action starts with a talk and then implementation— happy belated International Youth Day, Eswatini.
Myth: Grieving about a year.
Fact: There is no specific time frame for grieving. How long it takes differs from person to person.
Myth: Moving on with your life means forgetting about your loss.
Fact: Moving on means you’ve accepted your loss—but that’s not the same as forgetting.
You can move on with your life and keep the memory of someone or something you lost as an important part of you. In fact, as we move through life, these memories can become more and more integral to defining the people we are.
Myth: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.
Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others.
should
CONCLUSION
last
They may simply have other ways of showing it. In conclusion, we can never talk enough about how to cope and/or deal with bereavement, as well as being prepared for its eventuality.
Truth be told, death is part of our reality, especially of our natural life cycle and there is no beating around the bush about it. Indeed, the same way it is important to try feed and fill the brain with as much positive stuff, being realistic and preparing yourself physically, spiritually, mentally and otherwise for any possible natural eventuality (such as bereavement) is crucial.
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