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Igot a frantic call from a lady I once counselled in our WhatsApp chats because of Sipho. I last heard from her a while back. We had just recovered from another cheating scandal from her Sipho. I had helped out the depressing phase and they had moved to an ok place, not perfect but just ok.
She reached out again after finding out that he now had done a 360 and got the latest squeeze pregnant. What made it worse was that Sipho kept telling her that she was an ex from his past who didn’t want to let him go.
At least that’s the story he kept selling to her, which as fate would have it turned out to be lies, since bebajola nje kahle, and the proof was defiantly in the pudding literally as she was definitely baking something for nine months.
She assured me that this was it, she had enough, she was done with Sipho for good this time. I duly played along as I knew she was really hurting but I knew how much she loved him, so I was waiting for her to tell me that actually they had fixed things, as they normally do eventually.
But this time it was different she asked if she should agree to the proposal that Sipho surprised her with on her birthday, few weeks after fixing things between them.
Quite honestly I wasn’t sure if I should congratulate her, or cry on her behalf or be happy. I too was filled with emotions on her behalf. This was the man she’s loved since varsity and in her world her soulmate, sekutsi nje he was no saint.
Obviously I told her to follow her heart and do what she thought was best for her because at the end of the day this was her life. Angifuni kusasa atsi after she said say no, no guy has come forth with another proposal.
She obviously disappeared marinating the idea of being someone’s wife, and already picking up a colour theme for her wedding.
It wasn’t long before I got the wedding didn’t attend though.
Not because I was busy or held up somewhere, I just didn’t think it was a wise move, and when I don’t support an idea, I’m less likely to show up, but I did get her a wedding gift. invite,
IAs I predicted it got worse after a few months of being married, he started being the Sipho she knew. Disappearing on weekends and not hiding the fact that uganiwe. Again I got the call to advise kutsi kutsiwani now.
She was warned by her elders that marriage was not easy, but her’s was barely six months and now this. She asked, “Should I file for divorce or do you think he will change?”
To be quite honest she also knew the answer to that question, but sometimes people need permission to take decisions that they are aware are necessary.
Here’s what I know, men never change, unless they want to. Marriage doesn’t automatically guarantee that he will now do all the things he’s supposed to do as a husband.
If he was problematic while dating, cheating with every new girl on the neighbourhood, rest assured, he will do the same even after marriage.
The only reason my friend’s Sipho proposed was because he knew he was about to lose her with all the stress and drama he put her through before, and figured once they married she wouldn’t leave him.
Quite frankly I saw the ending for my friend, but sometimes you have to let them see what they already know, and not take decisions for them, hence tomorrow you are blamed for it.
We all know when something is bad for you, the universe keeps rejecting it and showing you all the signs but we hang on for dear lives knowing very well it’s a bad idea.
So ladies never assume that men change after the wedding, if anything, he most likely will get worse. The sad thing is you will be in too deep; rather remove yourself from the equation before it gets to marriage and its more complicated, as divorce is not like breaking up.
Only agree to a marriage because you both want it, make sure there were no ultimatums or reasons to convince you that he really loves you this time around and won’t do it again, as most of us are aware that they hardly change!