‘Anger can destroy relationships’
A MESSAGE ESPECIALLY FOR LEADERS!
Mayur Kalbag is an Indian Corporate Leadership Coach, Corporate Trainer and author who regularly does corporate training for businesses in Fiji. He can be contacted via email:
Mr. Kalbag, as you undertake the new position of ‘Marketing manager’ there is one thing that you must try your best to control and that is your anger.
I know you probably may not like what I am saying but then I have known you from the time you joined this organization. You were a young professional and highly competent too, but then I have to tell you that even as a youngster you had an anger issue. There were umpteen situations where I had seen you shout and lose control over your anger.
At that time some of us ignored it as we were impressed with your product knowledge an also your attitude of passion. But now, the scenario is completely different. You have been promoted as a leader and you will have to manage a big team of almost twenty-five sales executives and hence, it is all the more important that you sincerely work on your anger” saying this Mr. Arunesh wished me best and walked away. Interestingly he was not my boss or my colleague but was an employee working in the cafeteria or canteen of our organization since more than twenty years. I had tremendous respect for him for his sincerity and more importantly his attitude of being calm in the most difficult situations.
Having said this, his words were like a turning point in my life. As I took up the new position of a marketing manager I became extremely conscious of not losing control over my anger. I would make it point to ensure that despite feeling the anger I would restrain myself. Over a period of time I was able to gain the control and would rarely lost my temper.
Although this was my story, I must confess I have worked with some of my bosses who have had the same issues related to anger like I used to have and I actually saw that their relationships with their subordinates or juniors get affected in a very negative manner.
I recall a particular instance where my boss was not happy with the manner in which some of his team members (that included me) had performed our duties and for this he was upset and rightly so. But rather than dealing with our poor performance in a more mature manner he started yelling at us and that too in front of all the other people that included some managers from the finance and production department.
To say that some of us were feeling extremely humiliated would be an understatement. After the meeting concluded we left the conference room feeling not only dejected and embarrassed but we also felt a sense of anger as well.
“This is not the first time our boss has done this. A few months ago he did the same thing with some other team members. I agree that it is justified for our boss to feel angry or upset but then, to actually express his emotions of anger in such a way, in front of all the others is unacceptable to me. I don’t think I henceforth will be able to have a positive relationship with our boss. The way he gets angry and starts shouting at me and my other colleagues is something that has depleted my respect for him” These words from my senior colleague were true and touched me to the core. Not surprisingly within just the next two months he resigned and left the organization.
Anger and especially the inability to control it has led to the destruction of a lot many professional relationships. I am of the view that there is nothing wrong in feeling this emotion of anger as long as you have a justifiable reason for it and, add to that, we must also be wise enough to know how to express our anger.
I recall another boss of mine who followed a simple practice and it was to appreciate in public and get angry in private. He never scolded or shouted at us in front of our colleagues. “Dear colleagues, getting angry is fine as long as it is not going to affect a relationship in a bad way” he would tell us during many of our meetings.
He would also tell us that rude and bad things said in anger not only affected good team relationships but also would demoralize an employee to the extent that it could deflate his or her performance”.
Such inputs from some of my wise bosses have tremendously helped me and some of my colleagues to learn to manage our emotions of anger and thereby strengthen my relationships in our professional as well as my personal life…and I am sure you will do the same!