How to develop good character
BULA Fiji! Thank you for taking time out to read Bula Vakasaama, a column dedicated to enlightening readers about practical strategies for optimal mental health and mind wellness.
Today’s topic — ‘How to develop good character’ — touches a deep chord within me because I know what life was like when I was a terribly behaved person making choices that were immoral, unkind, and harmful to myself and others.
So, when we talk about character, what exactly do we mean? Is it just our behaviour or is there more?
Ever heard of the phrase, a character-less person? Often when that phrase is used to describe someone, it reflects on the person’s physical display of behaviours.
But the actual truth is what lies beneath this physical display — the truth is in the thoughts and feelings and emotions and values and beliefs and deep intentions — all of these things combined then result in the actual physical display of behaviours.
And that particular behaviour when it plays out once, we don’t label that as one’s character…we may label it as a mistake or a coincidence or luck or accidental.
That particular behaviour when it plays out twice, again, we don’t label it as character. Instead, we may label it as intentional, or purposeful, or targeted.
But when the behaviour is repeated for the third time or more, then we can safely assume that it is part of one’s character.
Meaning that it is now a set behavioural patterns motivated by the person’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, values, beliefs, and deep intentions, and sometimes even a default mind-set based on inherited cultural paradigms such as patriarchy or bigotry. Self-reflection let the light in
Now that we understand that character is a series of behavioural patterns, not just a one-off mistake or accident or coincidence, and that these patterns have so many facets, is it even possible to develop character and if so, how?
Yes, it is absolutely possible to mould, improve, and better one’s character.
The most vital prerequisite is for this is self-awareness and a personal reflection of one’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, values, beliefs, and deep intentions — and a long hard critical analysis of all inherited paradigms of culture, religion, politics, and one’s perspectives on the meaning of life and death.
When we reflect on these things we become clearer on our life’s meaning and purpose, we become aware of what we fear, why we fear it, what limitations we have within ourselves or in our environment that affect the fears and insecurities we hold.
We also become aware of what potential solutions we could adopt to overcome these fears and insecurities. Our ultimate goal in character development is to ensure that the everyday display of our physical behaviours, meaning our choice of thoughts, words, deeds, what we eat and drink, and what we consume in content — whether it is online or in-person interactions with people — all of these things are positive, calm, peaceful, loving, respectful, kind, and compassionate.
We do not want to be known as a person who is reactive, negative, harmful, dangerous, unfaithful, unlawful, misguided, violent, aggressive, angry, ill-mannered, bad-tempered, immoral, unjust, dishonest, disrespectful, and all the other descriptions that we reserve for those that we describe as character-less.
Being honest with your own self and really admitting your own flaws and negative choices and being extra kind with yourself to work upon these flaws and negatives is how you develop good morals and character.
Self-kindness is key Notice how I’m using the importance of being kind to your own self in this process of character development.
Often we are really harsh with ourselves and brutally unforgiving and angry for the flaws we have. We can then end up projecting this self-hate and self-cruelty towards others.
We end up behaving in this projecting mode repetitively so much that before we know it we have developed a negative character for ourselves.
So, if we practice self-kindness and self-forgiveness, and understand the reasons behind our flaws and negative choices without punishing ourselves, then we can actually begin our journey of positive character development.
It is a daily process of self-reflection, self-kindness, self-forgiveness, and the ability to say to yourself, ‘today is a new day. Today, in this present moment, I will choose better, I will be better, I will think better thoughts, speak better words, perform better deeds, and choose to consume better food, beverage, and content. Today, I will choose to be better in every way.’
Need for character development education Every human needs kindness, respect, love, and compassion. We must address the need for character development education as a humanitarian service which must be provided in family homes, schools, religious and spiritual gatherings, corporate setups, and places of governance.
Of course, all of these places will require a different template of this education which is relevant to the audience.
But the consistent requirement for this education irrespective of the audience and the environment is self-reflection, whether it is guided by educators or managers or self-guided.
Unless there is self-reflection, there is no positive character development.
There is an absolute need for this sort of education in every home, school, workplace, and community or village because we all are seeing humans behaving in a more negative manner than ever before.
Despite the progress in our technology, the human values of deep connection, respect, communal love, kindness, and compassion and forgiveness are quickly being replaced with greed, materialism, and inhumanity.
We still have time to fix this and to truly become honest with our own selves so that the good morals and good character that we are yearning to see in others may first be an inherent quality of our own selves.
It is only then that we can project our good character and good morals and create a ripple effect. All goodness starts with firstly remembering your own inherent goodness and then living by that goodness.
When we work on ourselves on a daily basis we radiate love, light, peace, joy, and an overall positive character.
■ PRINCESS R LAKSHMAN is a counsellor, clinical nutritionist, writer, narrative therapist, and certified life-coach. She is passionate about mind wellness and an advocate for kindness and self-care. The views expressed are the author’s and do not necessarily reflect the views of this newspaper. She can be reached at info@princesslakshman.com