What is true forgiveness
BULA Fiji! Thank you for taking time out to read Bula Vakasaama, a column dedicated to enlightening readers about practical strategies for optimal mental health and mind wellness.
Today’s topic, ‘what is true forgiveness’, helps us understand what it means to truly forgive, and it also guides us to clearly see the ways in which we may be misunderstanding the whole concept of forgiveness.
Let us try and understand the meaning of true forgiveness and how to cultivate a ‘Daily Forgiveness Practice’. Before we proceed further, let us imagine four scenarios;
Scenario one
Your friend borrows a piece of clothing from you. When your friend returns it to you, you notice an irreparable rip in the fabric. Initially, it bothers you and you let your friend know how you feel.
Your friend apologises and you decide to let it be in the past and move on. You accept the apology and move on with life without thinking about this incident again.
Scenario two
Your friend borrows a piece of clothing from you. Again, upon return, you notice an irreparable rip. When asked about it, your friend dismisses it and does not accept any responsibility.
But casually, your friend says sorry for the inconvenience caused by this situation but does not specifically apologise for the ripped garment. Again, you decide to let it go and accept the indirect apology.
Scenario three
You confide in a friend and later find out that the friend accidentally let it slip in a group conversation. You feel hurt and tell your friend that you are disappointed by the event.
Your friend realises and apologises. Even though you are hurt and find it difficult to forget the incident, you decide to accept your friend’s apology.
Scenario four
You confide in a friend and later find out that the friend intentionally told another person and now the secret has been passed around in the whole village.
You tell your friend that you feel deeply hurt and betrayed. You demand an apology. There is “No Apology”. Your friendship is ruined as a result.
You lose trust in people, and you begin avoiding gatherings and church because you don’t want to be around people who know your private business. Every time your former friend’s name is mentioned you feel anger and hurt.
Let’s analyse the above scenarios. Now, in the first three scenarios, it was easier to let go off the hurt and carry on with life as well as maintain your friendship. In the last scenario, however, you did not let go.
Why? Because there was “No Apology”. You became deeply affected and restricted your life because of another person’s actions
You let that person affect you and your decisions. You avoided church and other gatherings because you wanted this person to take responsibility of betraying you and breaking your trust. You wanted this person to make things right by owning up the wrong that was done to you.
You find it really hard to let go of this burden and move on with life without feeling triggered and angered by it.
The lesson to learn is this Letting go when you haven’t received an apology is “True Forgiveness”.
“True Forgiveness” happens when you can no longer feel a person’s or incident’s control over your response to life’s situations.
“True Forgiveness” happens when you no longer blame a person or circumstance for how things are turning out in your life. “True Forgiveness” happens when you no longer need an apology because you have decided to have a new perspective of the situation — the perspective that lets you be free from carrying a grudge or resentment of any kind whatsoever.
“True Forgiveness” does not mean you need to start having dinner parties with that person or start re-connecting. NO.
“True Forgiveness” is to not let their past behaviour affect your present life.
Four steps to practise daily
forgiveness Forgiveness gives you freedom. Forgiveness is for your benefit alone. There are four steps to practise daily forgiveness. Cultivate a forgiving attitude by practicing these four steps daily.
Step 1 — Think of the person who has hurt you, the person you need to forgive;
Step 2 — Now think of this person in a child form as if they were a little girl or little boy;
Step 3 — Now, in your mind, say to this child; “I forgive you — you did what you did because someone hurt you too. I forgive you”;
Step 4 — Now imagine this person back in the adult form and in your mind, say to him/her; “I forgive you. You have no power over me. Your words and your actions have no power over me. I release you from my mind. I forgive you. May God guide you to the path of love and peace.”
Forgiving yourself Sometimes we feel guilty for something we have done, and we find it difficult to forgive ourselves.
Try practising this affirmation to yourself. Close your eyes and say: “I forgive myself and set myself free. I seek refuge in God’s mercy.” PRINCESS R LAKSHMAN is a counsellor, clinical nutritionist, writer, narrative therapist, and certified life-coach. She is passionate about mind wellness and an advocate for kindness and self-care. The views expressed are the author’s and do not necessarily reflect the views of this newspaper. She can be reached at info@princesslakshman.com