The New Language of Love

Le nouveau langage de l'amour

Maîtrisez-vous l’amour 3.0 ?

Savez-vous parler d’amour ? Ou plutôt, connaissez-vous les nouvelles pratiques du genre à l’ère numérique ? Découvrez à vos risques et périls le vocabulaire associé à la romance 3.0. En espérant que vous n’en ayez pas déjà fait les frais.

In 2015, Charlize Theron told the world she had broken up with Sean Penn by ignoring his calls and text messages before their relationship gradually fizzled out. The New York Times told readers Theron’s behaviour was known as “ghosting”, meaning to disappear as if you were a ghost. The ultimate silent treatment.

2. The term had been around since 2006 but only in deep corners of the Internet. Given Theron’s celebrity profile the term was then propelled from online forums into mainstream discussion. So much so that it was added to Collins English Dictionary the same year. But far from being a flash in the pan, it was to mark the beginning of a new linguistic era for love.

3. Historically “courtship” was the term used to refer to the formal process of a couple getting to know each other. But as society evolved, relationships moved with it. An influx of working women into big cities at the turn of the twentieth century saw courtship morph into “dating”, a word coined, according to Moira Weigel’s Labour of Love: The Invention of Dating (2016), by a Chicago-based columnist, George Ade, in 1896 to describe his girlfriend starting to see other men.

NEW PRACTICES 4. Unlike its predecessor the term “dating” was more casual and non-committal: perfect for a modernising urban society. Today, dating has again been forced to adapt to the world of technology, which, just as chapters before it, has brought about a seismic shift in both the practice, and the lexicon of lust. 5. Terms like “cookie-jarring” (dating someone as a back-up), “pocketing” (when your partner doesn’t want you around their friends and family) and “fleabagging” (dating people who are wrong for you) are now all considered legitimate trends. Some are not quite as niche, like “orbiting” (liking someone’s social media posts without speaking to them), “cuffing” (being with someone just for winter) and “curving” (taking a long time to reply to messages) have earned a place in common parlance, particularly among young people and those who are active online.

6. Like in 1896, these words often originate in the media: whether on TV shows

like Love Island, in the press, or more organically on social media a place where people can share terms that may previously have been confined to their region, friendship group or even relationship. It is easy to poke fun, or dismiss them as PR jargon but they could serve a valuable psychological purpose, says Dr Daria Kuss, a psychology professor at Nottingham Trent University.

7. “Online dating has exponentially increased the possibilities to meet different people across hundreds of platforms and apps, leaving users overwhelmed with choice,” Kuss tells The Independent. “Labelling dating trends comes from people wanting to understand these new experiences, feel validated in their experiences, and being able to share them, which can be cathartic.”

8. This makes sense when you consider the majority of the terms describe negative behaviours. Nobody wants to feel like they are the only person who has dated

someone who simply stopped replying to them, or been with a partner who made you feel unwelcome around their friends. “It can have a cathartic function and build solidarity with others who have had similar experiences,” Kuss explains. “It may also help people to understand their own experiences and recognise these behaviours as rude or unacceptable.”

CREATING LABELS 9. Madeleine Mason Roantree, dating and relationship psychologist at the Vida Consultancy, agrees that labelling behaviours can help create a sense of control over situations that seem uncontrollable : “It makes talking about dating easier, too,” she tells The Independent. “The labels provide a shorthand for dating experiences so people don’t have to waste time elaborating details of dead-end dates to friends.”

10. But labelling dating trends can be problematic. When you give something a pithy moniker, it normalises it, making it seem less insidious and incidentally vindicating it. Take “breadcrumbing”, for example: a dating trend where someone sends flirtatious, but non-committal, messages and likes someone’s social media posts with no intention of actually pursuing them. The idea is that by leaving “breadcrumbs” of hope, you can keep them interested in you. Not only is this completely unfair, it’s selfish as well. But calling it “breadcrumbing” makes it sound less like manipulation and more like a challenge on The Great British Bake Off.

11. “Using labels helps people justify their own bad behaviour,” says Dr Max Blumberg, an evolutionary psychologist at Goldsmiths University. “Because if you say ‘I stopped contacting this person altogether and I’m never going to give them a reason for it’, it sounds really nasty. But if you say ‘I ghosted someone,’ it sounds less cruel.”

NORMALISING CONDUCT 12. Blumberg goes on to explain how, when these words become mainstream, our view of the actions they describe shifts because we see them as a by-product of the modern dating scene and are therefore more likely to both perpetuate and tolerate them. This could actually hinder people’s chances of finding love, says dating psychologist Jo Hemmings. “Dating trends reinforce the idea that meeting someone online is ultimately doomed, or at least it’s going to be a pretty tough journey to navigate an enduring relationship,” she says.

13. Subscribing to all of the dating terms could also lead you to misunderstand a person’s actions and mean you judge them unfairly, says Marc Hester, consultant psychologist. “Labelling a behaviour will always carry a risk,” he says. “As soon as we label something it becomes that thing. We act into the assumption that the label is true and adjust our behaviour accordingly. This can lead to the misinterpretation of a person’s conduct or a lack of consideration for the context of it.” 14. Dating today, with its apps, swiping and profiles, might feel very modern but Blumberg says the labels often describe behaviours that have always existed. “Dating is nothing new,” he says. “We’ve been doing it for centuries and many of the behaviours have not changed at all.”

15. The only difference now is that we’re all far more public with the intricacies and details of our relationships: whether that be watching strangers on reality TV or our friends broadcasting their love on social media, dating has become a form of entertainment. “We have become obsessed with looking at other people’s relationships for entertainment,” he explains. “And if you want something to be entertaining, having labels makes it much more so.”

Labelling behaviours can help create a sense of control over situations that seem uncontrollable.