I hardly see him

Dear Minerva, I am an 18-year-old girl with a strange problem. I have been with my boyfriend who is 19 for just over two years now.

For most of the time we have been together, we were at school and on my part having a relationship was something I could not do, so we used to hide and meet each other, steal phone calls and all of that. My boyfriend used to make every effort to see me, sometimes he would wait and wait and I would not get the opportunity to sneak away. He never used to mind.

I still did well at exams and I am working as a clerk. My boyfriend is also working as a mechanic. Four months after my 18th birthday and a month after I started working, I plucked up the courage and told my mom that a boy invited me to the movies and I would like to go. It was not a new boy it was my boyfriend but I was just tired of hiding. Surprisingly she did not object and now he can visit me at home.

The sad part is that he has not yet told his mom about me so I am not able to visit him. Every time I ask he keeps putting it off so I decided to stop asking.

Now, he is getting scarce. I hardly see him. For the last week I saw him maybe 4 hours total, because according to him he is always busy at work. This is so unlike him.

Another thing is my birthday is coming up in 3 weeks and I have been trying to plan for us to do something nice, since we can actually celebrate openly. You would not believe that this boy is telling me not to make any plans as he might have to work late!!! And he is saying this without even knowing which day I was planning for us to go out. My birthday is a Thursday – so it would have to be the Saturday or Sunday.

I cannot believe that this is the boy who has been telling me for two years now that he loves me; he would die for me and he wants to marry me.

It just looks like I would have been better off if I had continued hiding and meeting him. If he continues to act like this, particularly for my birthday, apart from me being hurt and angry, my mom will notice. What will I tell her then? I honestly love my boyfriend and I want a better relationship with him but I don’t know what else to do. Please advise.

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated, The only thing you can do is talk to him. You can’t be the only one try to make the relationship better. Both of you have to want it and both of you have to try. If he is not willing to try then it will not work.

I can understand that he could be busy at work, but not all the time. He has to have a day off and a slow day now and again and he should be able to spend some of that time with you. These are suggestions you should make to him. What you decide to do next will depend on how he responds to your suggestions.

You are both still very young and it would appear that he made verbal commitments that he might be unable to or not prepared or ready to meet. If that is indeed the case, it is not the end of the world. Your mom will not think it is either. She is wise enough to know that relationships sometimes do not last, especially when the people involved are very young. No doubt, this is one of the reasons she insisted on you not getting involved while still at school – apart from wanting to ensure you gave your full attention to your studies.

But yes, having been brave enough to get him invited into your home, you do deserve an explanation for his strange behaviour. If it is not satisfactory, or if you do not get one at all, you know what your options are.