His life is a party

Dear Minerva, I am 24 and I’m in a relationship with a 32-year-old man. He is loving and generally a good person, but he lives a carefree life and does not seem to have any intention of growing up.

We met at a party and because of that, initially I did not want to take him seriously, but he was in my face and charming and eventually I fell for him.

We have now been together for just over 18 months and for all that time his life has been the same pattern. He works in the interior in a family business. I guess because of that he is confident of not being fired. He comes out every two months or so and he spends all of his money. He treats me good, he sports with friends and we party a lot. Sometimes I don’t want to go but I have to because he will still go and often I have to be the one to say “stop”, “enough” and take him home.

I tried to talk to him about saving, and he agrees with me but I cannot get him anywhere near the bank. He usually gives me some money and out of that I would have to give him passage to go back to work because he would be completely broke. Even so, I am still able to save because I am also working. But I am afraid to tell him that I have savings as he might try to get it to spend it out.

He says he loves me and we will get married and have children one day, but not yet as he wants to ‘enjoy life’. What he is calling enjoying life is nothing. He has never left this country to take a vacation – see another country. That is the type of thing I want to do and we could do it if he just tried to save a little.

I am starting to wonder if his entire life will be like this and what kind of life I would have. I don’t want to leave him, I truly have no intention to do that. But how can I make him see sense? Maybe I need to use different words or something. Please help.

Worried

Dear Worried, I get why you are worried. After 18 months, he should have had enough of partying. However, it is possible that he has been doing this for much longer and that this is what his life really is.

He has offered you a commitment – marriage and a family, but he is doing nothing to prepare to keep that commitment.

Straight talk from Minerva

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Advice from Aphrodite

People do not get married and then figure out how they are going to manage. They plan ahead and part of that planning includes saving; you will have to live somewhere after you are married, right?

I am not sure what you could say differently, but I would advise you to try a different tactic. Before he leaves the next time, ask him to put a time frame on how much longer he intends to ‘enjoy life’.

It has to be realistic and it should be a period that you are comfortable with. Point out to him that you are serious about settling down and that you will hold him to that date. Advise him that it is very difficult to change abruptly and that he should try to start slowing down so that he does it in phases.

If you have problems with or questions about sex and sexuality, get Advice from Aphrodite. Write to Dear Aphrodite, c/o Sunday Stabroek; or send an email to aphroditesunstab@yahoo.com