I don’t want to be the side chick

Dear Minerva I am 21 and well, it’s complicated! I met this guy who is 26 and we started a relationship right away. I kind of fell in love at first sight, I guess and the same for him. We were so connected and attracted to each other from like the first second.

After about a month, I found out that he was cheating on me. Or rather, technically, he was cheating with me. He had a girlfriend before me and never broke it off with her. I found out in the worst way possible – she tagged him on Facebook to thank him for her birthday present which he bought. So he could not deny or lie when I confronted him. I went a little crazy and told him off and chased him away when he tried to explain.

For three months, I had nothing to do with him. But I was slowly beginning to realise that we didn’t really talk much when we first met. It was very physical. I never asked him if he had a girlfriend and he never asked me if I had a boyfriend either. I just assumed, because he was spending so much time with me, that he had to be single.

So the next time he texted me I decided to reply. He apologized and I accepted his apology, but I was not prepared for what he said next. He said he was happy that I did not try to approach his girl and he appreciated that. Then he said he really wanted to be with me, but he was not prepared to leave her and if I did not agree, then he hoped we could still be friends.

I was expecting him to say he would leave her for me and I was so shocked that I said yes we could be friends.

Now, this is driving me nuts. He calls and he texts, but being in contact with him brings back all the memories of how we were so mad for each other. And I cannot bear to think of him with her, but it is always on my mind. I keep itching to tell him I want to be with him again because I know he wants it too, but I don’t want to be his side chick. Help!

Confused

Dear Confused, It is not complicated at all. This is not a situation you should be in. You made a mistake that first time with him, but you did the right thing be letting him go. Staying friends with him, allows him to keep pushing at your defences. He will wear you down until he gets exactly what he wants.

Here’s the thing, you know what you do not want. So stop thinking that giving in will make you feel good. It might in the beginning, but then you will hate yourself. Because once you agree to be the ‘side chick’ it means he will be able to see you only when he wants. The rest of the time you will still be sitting around imagining him with her – or even seeing them together in public.

The physical attraction you feel for this guy is so not worth it.

You need to stop being his friend, to allow yourself time to get over it without him occupying space in your head and on your phone.

Give it time and eventually someone will come along who will want just one girl – you.