He dumped me and I am lost

Dear Minerva, I am 17 years old. It’s been three months since my last relationship. I had been with the boy for about 15 months; he had promised that he would never leave. I could recall this one time I was making a joke about him leaving me and he was on the verge of tears.

He seemed to really love me, everything was going well, and out of nowhere he dropped me for no reason. I pleaded with him to reconsider his decision but he did not have a change of heart, he treated me as though I was someone that he had only known for a few days.

A few weeks after the breakup, he got a new girlfriend. When I saw this, it messed me up mentally. I couldn’t focus on my classes, I cried almost every day. I even went into self-harm.

This boy was more than my boyfriend, he was also my best friend. After the breakup I still met with him to chill, even though he had a girl, but soon after I realized that it was wrong so I ceased. He told me that he still loved me but he had heard rumours about me cheating, that’s why he left.

It has been three months and I have developed this strong hate for him, and I don’t think that it’s healthy; but I also still care for him with all of my heart.

Since he left, I think I lost my self-confidence. I feel as though I’ll never be good enough for anyone. I still have this feeling that I somehow belong to him.

He is now happily in a relationship and I’m still here trying to recover; waiting to get over him.

Now I’m just numb. I try but I can’t feel. I’m now a rude person. I snap at people for no reason; the breakup has turned me into a savage.

Heartbroken and Confused Dear Heartbroken and Confused, It is for all of the reasons you described above that I consistently advise teenagers not to get involved in serious relationships. It is rare that the level of maturity needed for a relationship has been found in anyone under 20 years old and sometimes it is not even evident at that age.

Take heart in the fact that you will get over this. It might take time, but it will happen faster if you allow yourself to really put things in perspective and see this guy for who he really is.

Here’s the thing, no one, not even teenagers, dumps the person they love because of a rumour. So clearly, he did not love you, nor was he your best friend. Who treats a best friend so callously? More likely than not, he developed a crush on someone else and needed to get you out of the way quickly, so he came up with the rumour story.

The one good thing you have done was to stop ‘chilling’ with him. When someone wants you out of their life so badly that they are willing to act the way he did, stay out. Make a clean break, no hanging around hoping. Do not believe him when he says he still loves you. That is just talk to keep you on a string in case the other girl breaks up with him. Love yourself enough to know that you are too valuable to be an option.

If you are still in contact with him disconnect yourself. The distance and not knowing what he is doing or how ‘happy’ he is, can only help you. If you are following him on social media you are only making yourself miserable. Dear Minerva, I’m a single female and I’m in love with my friend who is in a relationship. My friend and I met while travelling and training together. We automatically became close because we are from the same region and could easily relate to each other.

However, we became physical during the last months of working together (no sex, we kissed and touched). I figure this happened because we were away from home for a while and we spent every day together. While he would make jokes about us being together if he wasn’t in a relationship, I never took him seriously. In response to his joke I would say, “I don’t want you.” Because I’m not interested in breaking up his relationship and I still stand by that.

The friends we share in common thought we were together or had something going on because of how close we were but that wasn’t the case. Because of the time we spent together we formed a strong bond and friendship that has blossomed beautifully. If he hurts, I hurt, if he cries, I cry, and we look out for each other; our friendship is truly authentic. It’s hard to find words to explain what we are to each other. We know a lot about each other and he knows almost everything about me and my family (My mom loves him).

Recently my mom asked him if he likes me and he said he loves me as a friend but I don’t know how much of that to believe because his actions prove differently (or I might be mistaken). He says he loves me with all his heart but I’m afraid of losing him. We would still talk about things that happened when we were together (kissing and touching) and how much we miss each other. At first I assumed that we’re close because we got physical but we were close before anything happened, I guess it aided in how I feel now.

There are little to no restrictions to our friendship. We discuss anything and we are open with each other, he claims that no one has ever been as honest with him the way I am. He would share things about his relationship with me and I would genuinely advise him where I can, until one day I told him not to tell me anything about his relationship problems and we speak little of his relationship now. Occasionally I would ask him about his girlfriend and we would awkwardly move on unless it’s something major.

He has been in a long distance relationship for seven years and counting. I spoke to his girlfriend before and she seemed nice. I encourage him to do good by her and to take care of her. We would keep each other in check and motivate each other accordingly.

While away I conditioned myself to not fall for him and be focused, since returning home that wall is slowly tumbling down. We communicate every day and all day sometimes. I’m trying my best to stay focused and not let this get to me because in this situation the only person who can get hurt is me, but he has become my safe haven. I’ve never shared how I truly feel with him because I’m afraid of getting hurt and I don’t want to affect his relationship so we would express that we love each other as friends.

I tried cutting our friendship off my spending time away from social media but that didn’t work. I’ve also tried occupying my time with friends, learning a new language, planning events, etc but to no avail.

I thought telling him how I really feel would help us come up with a solution but on the other hand that doesn’t seem like a good idea. I’m honestly praying that someone will come along who will help me get over him but that isn’t happening as fast as I’d like. I pray every day asking God to help me get over him if this isn’t meant to be, I hope he hears my prayers. We promised each other to visit soon (visiting his country/him visiting mine) but I’m scared of something happening or as I said before, getting hurt.

I don’t know how to get over him. I don’t know what to do... *exhale*

Afraid of hurting

Dear Afraid of hurting, Because you feel this strongly, perhaps the visits would not be a good idea. The reason being that all that is likely to happen is that you would become even more entangled and then the very thing you are afraid of would become a reality with the untangling.

This guy has been with someone for seven years and he is not about to leave her – at least he has given you no hint that this is even a possibility. He has been honest with you as you have been with him and you need to also pay attention to the things he is not saying.

He has said he loves you, but qualified it with friendship. Yet, given the level of intimacy between the two of you, you are not friends. You must know that if his girlfriend were aware of how close you two are, she would call him out for cheating. Put yourself in her place for just one moment and you will see why the visits would be wrong.

Furthermore, it is very unlikely that you will find anyone to help you get over him. You are not really trying; your head and heart are full of him.

Your situation is difficult and different. But if you really meant what you said about not breaking up his relationship, then you must know that there is need for a cooling off of things between you and that you will need to try harder to add mental and emotional distance to the physical one and not the reverse. If it is meant to be then it will be, even if you put space between the two of you.