I need to untangle myself

Dear Minerva, I’m a young woman, who has recently finished studying and started my career.

I’m single currently because it seems like relationships are not my thing. I met this guy a year ago. We were friends and then we dated for a month. However, I did not have feelings for him, because I had loved his brother. Things didn’t work out for us, and as time went by we became close friends, like best friends.

I do love him now. I’m not sure if it’s love or obsession. I find my happiness lies in him. If we fight I’ll be sad until we’re good again. Sometimes he takes a while to reply me and that will make me sad. Sometimes he changes his display photo to other girls’ pictures and that would make me angry and I would start a fight with him.

I know I can’t tell him what to do because we are just friends and sometimes he says he loves me and wants to marry me in the future. I don’t know how to believe him.

When I ask him for a second chance, he says he’s not ready for a relationship, but he has already dated two girls.

I need help to get myself untangled from him, to be happy by myself. Is it actually love or an obsession?

Confused

Dear Confused, I don’t think you can really describe yourself as single when your emotions are in such turmoil over this guy. You did not say what caused the breakup between the two of you, so I have to wonder if it was that he found out you preferred his brother and whether he is now stringing you along as a means of paying you back? Where is the brother now? I am assuming that he was and is unavailable to you.

The things you describe this guy to be doing come over as if he is trying to hurt you. Obviously he knows you care as you have asked for a second chance. So for him to lead you on by saying he loves you and wants to marry you and then switch back to saying he is not ready for a relationship makes no sense. If he loved you, he would be trying right now to build on what you had/have, that is the previous relationship and the friendship. The fact that he is saying one thing and doing something else, including dating other women indicates that he is either still hurt by whatever happened in the past or he is not genuine and therefore does not deserve your friendship or your love. Best friends do not hurt each other.

You need to find out which it is and then act accordingly. Incidentally, you do not need him to be happy. True happiness comes from within, so if you are not happy with yourself no one will be able to make you happy.

You did not say how old you were either, but I am assuming that since you have finished studies and you are working, you might be in your twenties, which is old enough to take a critical look at your life and fix the parts that are not working for you. If you think it might help you can try talking to a counsellor or trusted friend. If not there are hundreds of self-empowerment videos online that can help you.