He is not interested

Dear Minerva,

I am 25 years old and I have a big problem. Two years ago, I met this really nice guy when I started working. We don’t work at the same place, but I met him through my job. We would have these really good conversations. He is 32 years old.

As time went by I got to know that he was living with a woman. He said they have a really good relationship. Only problem is that he wants kids and she does not.

I never meant for it to happen but we got closer and eventually we had sex one time and I became pregnant. I was very worried, but when I told him he was very happy, so I had the baby. He was and still is there for me and his son, but that is all.

I never asked him to leave this woman, but I kind of thought he would because of his son. He never even brought up the subject and the more time passes, the more I realise it will never happen. The thing is that I have fallen in love with my son’s father. When he spends time with him and I watch them together, it makes me want to cry.

The weird thing is that we only had sex that one time and he does not seem to be interested in me the way I am in him. I know his relationship went through a bad patch when his woman found out about me and his child but it seems to be okay again.

I have a friend who believes that this guy played me and just used me to have a child. She says there is no other explanation for it. But I have my doubts because he could not know for sure that I would get pregnant and that time we had sex just happened. In fact, I think I was/am more sexually attracted to him than he was to me. What do you think Minerva? Is my friend right?

The sad thing is that I am now the one thing I never wanted to be – and that is a ‘child mother’. I know I will eventually have to move on with my life, but I am concerned that I am now in this box and whatever I do will have to revolve around this child and this man who does not want me.

Unwanted

Dear Unwanted, You knew when you met this guy that he was living with his girlfriend, but you still had unprotected sex with him. What were you thinking? You could so very easily have gotten more than a baby.

I think you fell for the guy and gambled unsuccessfully with the risk that a child would have won him for you.

Clearly, this guy is in love with his girlfriend and she with him. They have managed to get past the infidelity and the child that will always be a reminder of it. You on the other hand, are out in the cold.

You will always be linked with this man, because the two of you have a child together. However, you don’t want to repeat the past so be grateful that he is not interested in a repeat. If it’s not absolutely necessary, try not to be around when this guy is spending time with his son, you don’t want your emotional state to cause you to do or say the wrong thing.

Yes you will need to move on eventually and yes any guy you date will have to contend with your son and his father. But as you approach that crossroads, just be cautious. You don’t want to repeat the same mistake. Dear Minerva, I am a 19-year-old girl, who just ended a relationship.

I met this guy who was everything I was looking for in a man and I was on cloud nine until I found out that he was already married.

He is only 25 years old, so it was easy to believe his lies. He wears a ring on his ‘wedding’ finger, but it is not a traditional wedding band, so I believed him when he lied and said his parents had given it to him years ago and it was too tight to be removed.

I found out in the worst possible way, when his wife confronted him and me in public. Fortunately, there was a taxi right there and I escaped. I was so ashamed and angry that I immediately blocked him from contacting me.

I have been single since then and the pain of loneliness is intense. I find myself wondering if I did the right thing. My friends tell me I should not have given him up; I should drop my standards. Should I? I think I would feel too guilty. Is there a way to do this without feeling guilty, Minerva? Should I consider him? I know he is still interested.

So Lonely

Dear So Lonely, You did the right thing; your friends are the ones who are wrong. There is no way to have an affair without the guilt when you know right from wrong. Besides, why would you want to ‘consider’ anyone who lied to you?

Obviously he was not what you were looking for as he already had a wife. And who know what else he may have lied about? You did not really know this guy, you only knew what he told you.

Consider that you have had a lucky escape. You are only 19 years old and I imagine the pain of embarrassment is also still with you. Give yourself time. You will meet the right person.