Things turned sour

Dear Minerva,

I just broke up with my boyfriend of four years. I am 36 years old and he is 30. Over the last nine months to a year, things had started to turn sour.

I was certain that he was cheating on me, but I had no proof apart from the fact that his behaviour towards me had changed. He was careless or maybe just cruel. He sometimes did not show up when we had plans and turned off his phone so I couldn’t reach him. When I finally saw him the next day or next two days, he claimed he was drinking with ‘the boys’ and forgot and his phone died. We used to quarrel bitterly about this.

I live alone and at one point he practically lived with me, but he pulled away from that, and I was only seeing him twice or three times a week. We used to talk about marriage, but that stopped. All we did was argue, have sex, or ignore each other.

The breakup came after my best friend, who lives overseas, came for a visit. She had never met him as she left here five years ago. We planned to have dinner and he seemed enthusiastic when we spoke to her on the phone. It was a Sunday. I saw him in the morning. He said he was going to get his car washed. I never saw him again until the Friday evening when I was out with my friend and some other people. By then, I had told her everything and she was shocked and angry. She advised me to end things with him.

That Friday, we were at a popular venue and I saw him walk in with some of his boys. He saw us and came over. I did not make him welcome. I barely spoke to him and did not introduce him to anyone. He knew my friend from photos he had seen and tried to talk to her, but she gave him the cold shoulder and he finally left. When I went home that night he was there (he had a key). He berated me for making him ‘feel small’ and slapped my face really hard when I told him not to shout in my home. I was shocked and locked myself in the bathroom until he left. He took the few things he had at me and maliciously threw all my stuff off the vanity, damaging quite a few of my cosmetics and perfumes. I changed my locks and texted him telling him never to return or attempt to speak to me again.

He never responded until last week, which was two weeks after. He apologised and asked if we could meet. I did not want to respond, but I had to in order to refuse to meet him. I then blocked him, but he now persists using different numbers. He even had several of his relatives call to try to persuade me to give him a second chance. I know that it would be a mistake, even though I still have a soft spot for him.

Minerva, I have never been married and I have no children. My mother is dead, and I never knew my father. I have relatives, but I am not close with them. I have a handful of close friends, but they all have their own lives. I have had a few relationships, but I clearly cannot keep a man. I see my life stretching emptily before me and that is the only thing tempting me to give this fool the time of day. What do you think?

-Ms Lonely

Dear Ms Lonely,

I think that under no circumstances should you allow this man back into your life. Make the cut final and severe. Block all of his relatives and stop answering calls from unknown numbers so that he is no longer able to contact you and gets the ‘it’s over’ message loud and clear.

The abuse started long before he slapped you. That was what he was doing every time he stood you up uncaring of your feelings, including embarrassing you after making plans with your friend. There was a pattern that you probably did not recognise, in which he toyed with you psychologically. He obviously knew that you have no close family and believed you would put up with anything just to have him around. He was emboldened by the fact that although you quarreled about his unexplained absences, you never attempted to end things with him; you put up with it.

There is absolutely no need for you to be with someone who demeans you in that manner. Furthermore, the spiteful damaging of your cosmetics after you locked yourself away from his battering hands, points to a meanness of character. You want to stay far away from some like that.

You are by no means old at 36 so there is no need for your life to be empty. You just need to be very careful who you choose to get close to you.

Dear Scared,

Let me preface this by saying I know it is going to be difficult, but the person you should talk to is the one you are living with, your husband.

It is possible that he doesn’t know what to say to you either and he is not going near you because he does not know how to deal with the situation.

You will have to summon the courage to open the conversation with him. I’m sure he is aware that what happened was abuse and that you were a child and in no way responsible. Nor are you to blame for how your body reacts now.

You should have been counselled after the abuse to help you deal with it. Your parents were neglectful not to have sought that for you instead of attempting to force you to bury it.

You should suggest to your husband that both of you get counselling, but at the very least, you should. I am hoping that your husband’s modern outlook on life will allow him to give you the care and concern you need and deserve and that your marriage lasts.