Listening to domestic violence survivors is one of the first things men should do

Men who are concerned about domestic violence and other forms of gender-based violence should be mindful of how they deal with their frustrations when they feel that victims and survivors are not breaking off the abusive relationship. Listening to survivors is one of the first things which men should probably do before rushing to the judgements as reflected in the letter “Protecting women starts with the victims” in SN 12 May, 2023. There are many reasons for entrapment. There are pressures from the family and friends to stay in the relationship, there are needs of the children and many other reasons why survivors of domestic violence have to make contact with the abusers.

Many survivors have started sharing stories. Stabroek News and other media houses are publishing them, some anonymously. We learn for example that while we might seem to provide services for victims and survivors, that it is not so easy when to leave an abuser, a survivor might also have to break off social connections, find new housing, jobs, leave the community, break off family ties, leave church and faith communities while trying to heal and recover. As we are seeing in Guyana and the world, the men especially who have faced allegations of abuse and other forms of gender-based violence can return to their political parties and be defended by loyal voters and supporters, and remain in place. And while there might be ‘punishment’ for the abusers in court and so, there is no significant healing opportunities available.

Men who are concerned about domestic violence and intimate partner violence should also do the difficult work of transforming masculinities. It is probably easier to think to ‘save’ a ‘woman or girl’ from a bad man, without thinking of transforming all the cultural and systemic issues which are creating bad men in the first place. This means unpacking violence, not only telling the story of how men could be drinking together as friends and relatives and then end up harming each other. It means linking the violence to the environment, to the tolerable violence in the society against children as a form of discipline, to the domestic violence and other forms of genderbased violence, to the violence in the society against people who do not think like us.

Any man who is thinking of protecting women should probably start with stopping himself; and other men and women from being abusive.