I was overwhelmed by loneliness

At noon one day in February, I heard a sudden knocking on my door. When I saw two or three local police officers standing in front of my door, together with a couple of Chinese officers, I knew the game was over.

I made no effort to escape. I told the police officers I was willing to return to China. Really, I felt relieved.

In 2006, the stock market was promising. My supervisor, Fu Yaobo, and I couldn’t control our greed, and invested in the stock market with funds intended to pay workers’ wages. I didn’t think it would be a big deal as long as I could return the money to the account. I didn’t really see it as a crime until I discovered I could never put the money back into the account.

I fled to Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, and rented a place where I lived alone.

I felt sorry for colleagues who became caught up in my case and for running away from my family. The thought of dying in a foreign country was too much to bear.

In addition to the differences in culture, language and food, I was overwhelmed by loneliness. I avoided communicating with any Chinese on the street at all costs, in case I was recognized. I dared not contact my family for fear that I would cause them hassle and pain. To avoid being tracked, I rarely went out.

I couldn’t see the point of life anymore. I was so depressed that I thought I was going to die.

I could have refused to return to China and moved to another country, but I was too exhausted from hiding overseas. I admitted the allegations when the police officers confronted me. I would rather accept my punishment than continue to suffer psychological torture in a foreign country.

I was surprised by the Chinese government’s capacity to uncover fugitives hiding overseas. I hid in countries that don’t have diplomatic relations with China. I was smuggled into those places and thought I would be safe at the other end of the earth.

After I’ve served my sentence, I hope to take care of my mother and spend the rest of my life by my daughter’s side to make up for my absence during her adolescent years. Sources: The official website of the Central Commission for Discipline Inspection. Articles translated by Zhang Yi.