Parenthood: There will be joy and exhaustion, so try to relax and enjoy it. Find out 10 things no one tells you about having twins.
There will be joy and exhaustion — so try to relax and enjoy it
Congratulations to George and Amal Clooney, who have revealed they are expecting twins. A big fat high-five also to Jay Z and Beyonce, whose announcement that they, too, are to join the two-for-one parenting club briefly knocked Donald Trump off the top of the internet earlier this month.
When I heard George and Jay Z were about to get more than they had perhaps bargained for as fathers, I experienced a warm surge of empathy. Whether a glamorous memberoftheA-listoratoilingstiff, as the fathers of twins we will all shortly have something in common. Granted, George ’n Jay won’t have to worry about the bills (the bills!). And, with an army of helpers on call, I don’t expect either is going to be dragged from bed at 4am to comfort a tiny screaming person unable to locate their soother (prove me wrong George, prove me wrong).
Nonetheless, with the arrival of their bundles of joy/snot/poo, we are all going to be members of one big happy (sometimes), stressed (often) collective. If parenthood is the emergency brake on life that forces you to sit upright, glance around in shock and wonder if this was the destination at which you’d planned getting off, twins puts rocket boosters under the entire affair. You’ll panic (yes, you will), you’ll re-adjust your opinion as to what constitutes the ideal family size (might bigger be better after all?). Then you’ll panic all over again.
Clooney and Jay Z are likely just emerging from the early phase in which raw terror gives way to a cooler acceptance of the challenges ahead. So now might be a good moment to put a figurative arm around their shoulders and offer some sage wisdom. My twin son and daughter will shortly turn four — and I’ve yet to burn the house down while caring for them. Thus I’m obviously more than qualified to share with these expecting dads the highs, lows, and blunt truths about parentingtwins.Pullupsomechairs chaps: your crash course starts here.
1 Twins will need a little more care than standard: Twins rarely wait until their due date and more than 60 per cent are born preterm — before 37 weeks of pregnancy (40 weeks being the usual). Ours decided they wanted to pop out and say hello a month early and though the births were straightforward (ish) they were instantly off to intensive care.
Even with staff insisting everything is under control, it’s heartbreaking seeing your two tiny bundles attached to wires and tubes. In our case the stress was exacerbated when we were told we would have to take one of the twins home but that the other needed to stay on so that their weight could be monitored. Granted, George Clooney and Jay Z could each probably afford to build their own hospital in the back garden. Still, this is a wrenching time, regardless of your net worth.
2 Seize hold of any and all opportunities for sleep: As the parent of twins you can forget ever sleeping again (ever). That is how it will initially feel at least. So if a chance for a few hours/minutes/seconds repose presents itself, grab hold and don’t let go.
Four months after our twins arrived, I feel asleep standing up in the dance tent at a music festival I was reviewing. I looked into it afterwards and apparently it is physically impossible to fall asleep standing up inthedancetentatamusicalfestival. That’s what twins do — make you so tired you will defy basic scientific lawsinordertostealamoment’srest. 3 Don’t freak out about having a larger family: Like many prospective parents I had always felt two kids was an ideal family size. Each would have a sibling but you weren’t at risk of tripping over a multitude of rug-rats every time you stepped outside your bedroom. If, like Jay Z, you are already a father, then twins force you into a rethink. Two kids is ten times harder than one (trust me, this one IS supported by the basic laws of physics) and threekidsis—reachesforcalculator — about a billion times harder yet.
Moreover, you will now have to come to terms with having more than the statistically average 2.1 children.Youaregoingtoleavethisearth knowing you actively contributed to soaraway population growth. Looking back, it seems ridiculous I ever blanched at having three kids rather than two. But when best laid plans are dynamited in slow motion, it can be a jolt. So just accept it for what it is Jay — soon you’ll realise twins were one of the best things that could happen to you.
4 Learn how to feed two screaming babies simultaneously: You can plan all you like but the moment will inevitably present itself where you are required to attend to the nutritional requirements of a pair of screaming mini-persons at the same time. Here, I recommend what experts refer to as the “hope for the best” approach. If bottle-feeding, wedge a teat between each set of lips, tilt until you can tilt no more and, all going well, you’ll all make it through okay. The other strategy is to delay until a fully qualified adult — in this specific example my wife — comes to the rescue.
5 People will offer to help — ruthlessly take advantage of their
generosity: These offers are typically made with varying degrees of sincerity. Under no circumstances shrug themoff.Yes,youcoulddowithsomeone running to the shops, of course you’d love it if they babysat while you wentforanap.GeorgeandJayZprobably have loads of friends. Exploit them for all they are worth, fellows.
6 Enjoy shopping for a new car:
Remember when you used to scoff at those “smug” parents in their “brat-wagon” MPVs? Who’s scoffing now? Answer: not you. Welcome to the world of people carrier-perusing, where you judge an automobile not by its handling/looks/value for money but by whether it comes with vanstyle sliding doors or if there’s enough boot space for a double buggy AND bottle steriliser. 7 The panic will subside: Don’t feel bad because you freaked out upon learning you were to be the father to twins. You probably should panic because twins are an enormous responsibility requiring farreaching lifestyle changes. These potentially include moving house, upgrading your car and — child care costs being what they are — re-evaluating whether it is practical for you and your significant other to both remain in full time employment.
The bad news is that none of these issues are easily resolved. But there’s good news, too — after a few months the worry will drain away and you’ll wonder why you were so discombobulated in the first place. Perhaps it is a sign of your maturity that you have adjusted to the new circumstances in life. Or maybe you’ve just gone numb and no longer notice the terror. Either way, accept it and push on. 8 Get out of the house (but remember to come back): With twins, parenthood can start to feel like a war zone. Your once pristine home is now a battlefield strewn with nappies, onesies and dad-to-be manuals you wish you’d got around to reading. You’re not sleeping, you’re barely eating, you can’t remember the last time you ventured outdoors. In such circumstances, cabin fever is a constant risk so be conscious of the importance of getting out of the house. The sanityrestoring properties of a brisk walk are not to be underestimated (we won’t tell if you stop off for a swift one on the way home). 9 Learn to appreciate the funny side of things: Let’s not tip-toe around it: the parachuting into your life of two screaming newborns will put your relationship under stress. Even a solid partnership can be tested as sleep becomes a distant memory and you are confronted by the exhausting tedium of early parenthood (newborns are a lot of things — but they aren’t great at amusing banter).
The best advice is to maintain a sense of humour — it’s fundamentally ridiculous that both of you are in charge of these actual living human beings so try not to be too harsh and unforgiving towards your significant other. A short fuse helps nobody. 10 Don’t go overboard at the baby shop: You want the best for your children but there’s no need to incur second-mortgage levels of expenditure. The newborns will be grateful just to be fed, clothed and changed regularly — fancy wallhangings, designer mobiles and baby grows emblazoned with snappy one-liners are luxuries you can do without. So put that Peppa Pig print back on the shelf Jay Z and leave the store. Your kids won’t notice either way.
As the parent of twins you can forget ever sleeping again (ever). Four months after our twins arrived, I feel asleep standing up in the dance tent at a music festival.