What to do if your daughter starts dating a nightmare
Here’s a sentence I never thought I’d write: poor old Philip Green.
In case you haven’t been paying attention, billionaire Phil’s daughter, apple of his eye and chip off the old block, Chloe, has been dating a man called Jeremy “Hot Felon” Meeks. Meeks (meek by name, not so much by nature) is a violent ex-con turned model who first came to the attention of the fashion world when his police mugshot went viral. Afraid so. He’s the real teardrop-tattoo article! He’s served time, he’s got a record as long as Phil’s arm, he’s beaten a 16-year-old boy half to death, and (although it seems barely relevant at this point) he’s married.
He is, in short, the slam dunk of unsuitable boyfriends. In the tossup between him and Petra Ecclestone’s husband, James Stunt, you’d be pushed to pick who’s worse, and then you might have to conclude Him. Imagine that.
You can’t help putting yourself in Phil’s shoes and wondering how he’s sleeping. And if you’re a parent of a daughter of roughly dating age, you might well be thinking: what the hell would I do? What will I do if She ends up going out with the bloke in the village who everyone knows is harvesting cats for slippers? All parents have these thoughts.
So, here’s a short guide on how to behave when your daughter starts going out with your worst nightmare. Hide your horror. Show the NOB (Nightmare Ongoing Boyfriend) the same generosity and courtesy you would if he were Prince Harry. If you can manage it, go the extra distance. Your daughter will be grateful and (cunning ruse) should also notice the lack of natural rapport. Do enlist the support of friends (yours, and theirs if you know you are on safe ground) to plant that seed of doubt. Let them do all the risky legwork. As in “Oh, you don’t drink tap water? Oh, you don’t love Peter Kay’s Car Share? Ah, you think 9/11 was a conspiracy? Interesting.” Engineer a family situation which you know the NOB will find uncomfortable and boring (tricky for Phil, admittedly). A week in the house in Cornwall in the kiddie bunk beds. Babysitting granny. Anything, so long as it has the potential to expose Him as a bad sport. Actual sport could do it. How about tennis? Get her brothers on it (sadly, also not an option for Phil). She won’t think she cares, but the realisation that there is no respect/ disrespect coming from that quarter will sink in on some level. Freeze her assets, or, in the case of civilians, take them both out to dinner and watch her panic when he orders the oysters and chateaubriand. (Anyone who doesn’t feel dutybound to go for one of the three cheapest items should ring alarm bells, even if they are fit.) Train the dog to take against Him (who knows how, there must be a way).
Alternatively, if all else fails: batten down the hatches, have a stiff drink and wait for the moment to pass. It probably will.