Marry in haste, repent at leisure

Modernization changes Vietnamese’s perception of marriage and divorce

HO CHI MINH CITY, Vietnam — “They fall in love in the morning, get married at noon, and file for divorce in the afternoon,” a judge in Vietnam’s Ho Chi Minh City said about the change in traditional attitudes among younger Vietnamese.

According to psychologists and sociologists, Vietnam’s shift from a centrally planned to a market economy has transformed the country from one of the poorest in the world into a lower middle-income country with rapid industrialization and modernization and deep international integration, which has not only improved local people’s living standards but also changed their perception of marriage and divorce.

In the past, couples tended to keep their marriage alive as long as possible, trying to avoid divorce, because many wives were financially dependent on their husbands, and public opinion frowned on divorce.

A lot of Vietnamese people nowadays, however, believe that increased financial independence and a more liberal view of divorce has helped couples, especially women, escape unhappy marriages.

The judge said this ”marry in haste, repent at leisure” attitude was especially prevalent among young people, many of whom tied the knot after only months of wooing each other online, mainly through social media networks such as Facebook and Zalo using their smartphones, and then meeting offline.

“Becoming husbands or wives, even parents, at a young age, they often lack the life skills of sharing, restraining their ego, and making concessions or adjustments,” the judge said.

“In addition, younger people often think that they are now equal and financially independent, so they easily file for divorce after feeling that they can’t stand the differences of a new environment, lifestyle, personalities, hobbies and habits.”

According to surveys by Vietnamese sociologists and statistics from courts, there have been increasingly larger numbers of couples under 35 in Ho Chi Minh City filing for divorce, and the rate currently stands at around 30 percent of couples of all ages.

The situation is similar in many other cities and provinces across Vietnam.

Previously, it was not uncommon for people to spend years getting to know each other before committing themselves to marriage.

But nowadays, being more affluent and having a more liberal view of individual freedom and life, more and more people, especially younger people, are finding it easier to love, marry and divorce, instead of clinging to traditional family values.

“I’m pretty, young and rich. Why do I have to shoulder the responsibility of an irresponsible husband and his strict parents until I become old and ugly?” a bank clerk said.

Pham Manh Ha, an associate professor and doctor of psychology, said young people value money and status more than moral criteria such as honesty or faithfulness like their parents did in the past.

Doctor of psychology Nguyen Hoang Khac Hieu from Ho Chi Minh City University of Pedagogy said many couples are spending little time getting to know each other before marriage and becoming disillusioned after living under the same roof, focusing too much on work and not on family life, and lacking cohabitation skills such as money management and child rearing.

Others point to conflicts in lifestyle, extramarital affairs, financial issues and domestic violence.

“Today, people are more selfcentered. Among young couples, no one is willing to make concessions, and this leads to differences and divorce,” said psychologist Nguyen Ha Thanh.

In addition, increased financial independence and more chances to connect with old friends and make new ones, thanks to the proliferation of smartphones and apps, has partly led to increasing instances of extramarital affairs, a common reason for divorce, the psychologist said.