‘ It was like having a knife and constantly pointing it at myself ’

A Shanghai physician, surnamed Lu, experienced severe depression for three years after a marital breakup.

Physical illness can leave people with scars, while mental illness has left me with experience, realization and wisdom.

I like life now, compared with three years ago, as I have found the key to unlocking my heart and knowing how to face my inner self.

I have also had to learn about psychology, and now that I know when the first signs of depression are beginning to emerge, I need to

prevent them from escalating.

Faced with a marital crisis three years ago, I blamed myself for all the problems, which is a typical symptom of depression. A failure or a misfortune will make patients with depression recollect all their experiences that have ended badly.

It was like having a knife and constantly pointing it at myself. It was as if, at that time, the world was in black and white and I could not see any other color.

Everything became meaningless and I was down in the dumps, having no interest in anything. It

was as though there was a black hole and I was being dragged straight to the bottom of it.

I kept going to my job every day, but the workload at the hospital was not heavy and I spent most of the time sitting and doing nothing.

I felt a bit better in the evenings, rather than in the mornings, when I felt more pressure to face the day. Each evening, I tried to cheer myself up by looking at funny pictures of cats and dogs. However, I never felt truly happy.

Something had to be done to change the situation, so I forced myself to take psychological

counseling and then systematically learn psychology, which turned out to be helpful.

This allows us to understand how people perceive their surroundings and their ways of thinking objectively. It made me aware that I had a problem with the way I approached thinking.

Gradually, the edge of that perceived knife became less sharp and I no longer pointed it at myself. I tried to learn how to respond positively when encountering any negative incidents.

If was as if I had been wholly reconstructed.

I used to have low self-esteem and always had negative thoughts. This may have been related to my childhood, when I thought that my parents did not accept me.

Also, I did not live with my parents until I was age 7, and I had to be on my best behavior so that they would love me as much as they did my younger brother.

I used to remember a string of incidents that I would recall repeatedly and blame myself for the bad outcomes. For example, I did not manage to get to see my grandfather before he died. I

blamed myself for hesitating rather than going home quickly.

However, now I understand that I am not perfect and nobody can ever possibly be perfect. Imperfections are part of our lives.

If, for some reason, I had to face such situations again, I would handle them in exactly the same way, as I realize that I have not been held responsible for the bad outcomes. Instead, I coped with each incident in the best and smartest way that I could, putting in my utmost effort.