Split decisions
Stress related to the ongoing pandemic and prolonged family contact during lockdown have pushed many already-fragile relationships to the brink, resulting in a rush to meet with marriage counselors and divorce lawyers, Xu Lin reports.
Since the outbreak of COVID19 in mid-January, Chinese people endured a twomonth home confinement before gradually begin returning to work and resuming some semblance of a normal life.
When the civil affairs bureaus across China were successively reopened through late February and March, people were required to book in advance for marriage registry services.
Huashang Newspaper reported that in early March, when marriage registries in Xi’an, Shaanxi province, first reopened, the office was swamped with bookings for divorce proceedings and couples were forced to wait for availability.
Similar media reports in other cities have triggered a hot debate over the pandemic’s impact on relationships and marriages, and whether it’s been more positive or negative.
Under normal conditions, most couples only spend evenings and weekends together. But, during the period of self-isolation that followed the outbreak, they had to get along with each other 24/7.
All outdoor activities and entertainment activities were canceled, and pretty much all their time was spent at home in close proximity — a situation which amplified even the most trivial of matters.
It was, perhaps, even more challenging for those who had to look after children and supervise their online classes, or those who live with their parents or in-laws, especially when they have different views on things.
Official data reveal that, in 2019, over 9.47 million couples registered for marriage in China, while 4.15 million filed for divorce. In 2018, 4.46 million couples divorced, an increase of 2 percent over 2017 and representing a divorce rate of 3.2 percent that remained constant over those two years.
Ming Li, chief counselor for Weiqing Group, a Shanghai-based agency that provides marriage counseling services in over 30 cities, says that the number of counseling sessions at the agency’s offices in Shanghai and other cities spiked by about 30 to 40 percent in February, but returned to normal levels in early March.
At that time, a few clients from Shanghai, Chengdu in Sichuan province and Qingdao in Shandong province told her that there was at least a two-week wait to get a booking with the divorce office.
“The pandemic has made me consider the future of my marriage. I have so much time to ponder over and plan my future. I finally figured out that it’s not the life that I want,” says Beijing-based Li Ming, who is getting a divorce.
According to Li, the bond between her and her husband has loosened in the past three years, after they hastily got married due to pressure from their parents. They’re more like roommates than lovers. They have more quarrels than before, particularly, for example, when they have different views about pandemic news.
She says her husband passes the time engrossed in playing mobile games. She tries to communicate with him, but the situation doesn’t improve.
“I cannot help reading pandemicrelated news and it just makes me more worried. The pandemic is like a touchstone. Couples are supposed to support each other in difficult times,” she says.
Amplified emotions
A research group led by psychology professor Lin Xiuyun from Beijing Normal University is working on a survey about family relations during the COVID-19.
Among the more than 10,000 subjects that answered an online questionnaire between March 1 and April 5, about 3,700 are married, and others are children, unmarried adults and the elderly.
“The pandemic is like a doubleedged sword. While some couples said they had more communication with each other and increased
The pandemic is a test for marriage, causing people to reflect on the issue. Those who pass the test will have a better relationship.”
Ming Li, chief counselor for Weiqing Group
mutual trust, some stated that there were more clashes and quarrels,” Lin says.
She admits it’s possible that the divorce rate may increase during the pandemic. For those whose marriages are already on the rocks, COVID-19 is like a magnifying glass that makes their problems worse.
“In the past, they could meet with friends to share their troubles or reduce their time spent at home so as to avoid clashes. But, when people were confined to their houses due to the pandemic, a conflict that might start small, would become more severe,” she says.
According to Lin, when the pandemic emerged, people used most of their emotional regulation to deal with anxiety and fear. Under such circumstances, it’s easy to get wound up over trifling matters.
She says women should realize their advantages, such as an ability to regulate emotion more effectively, and give play to their talent in the family. They should be psychologically independent from men, rather than easily having their emotions influenced.
“Affected by emotion, some people tend to read other’s actions in a negative way. You should put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to understand their inner needs,” she says.
“It takes an effort from both parties to keep a relationship healthy. If you’re in a bad relationship, you and your partner should take responsibility for it.”
Ming, the counselor from Shanghai, couldn’t agree more.
“For those who decide to divorce during the pandemic, there are already some troubles in their marriages. Conflicts may intensify during their self-isolation if they don’t deal with it properly. Some divorce decisions are careless or made out of a sudden impulse,” she says.
“The pandemic is a test for marriage, causing people to reflect on the issue. Those who pass the test will have a better relationship.”
Ming says those who seek counseling from her are of all ages, but the majority are those in middleage. Some clients stay at the houses of in-laws for Spring Festival and find themselves in conflict with them.
She suggests that couples take a cooling-off period and seek professional counseling to try and identify and tackle problematic issues.
“Everyone should play their family roles well and improve their communication skills. One should appreciate the other’s advantages as well as tolerate their disadvantages,” she says.
“It’s essential to regulate one’s emotions. Don’t take it out on the spouse or child when unhappy. Don’t press the other’s hot buttons — mind your tone when talking.”
She notes that financial problems can exacerbate relationship troubles. Some clients are anxious about a decrease in salary or the risk of being laid off due to the pandemic.
“Where there is life, there is hope. It’s at this difficult time that couples need to go through hardships together,” she says.
Pandemic response
Wang Peng, a Beijing-based psychological consultant specializing in marriage counseling, says that some previous literature shows that while terrorism will likely decrease divorce rates, natural disasters can have an opposite effect.
“A short-term external stimulation will encourage people to seek comfort in a relationship. In a natural disaster, its continuous impact on people will likely harm a relationship,” she says.
She adds that the outbreak of the pandemic has pushed those who were in two minds about whether to end their marriage to make a decision.
“For some families, they have more time to be with each other during self-isolation. Before that, one spouse was busy at work or maybe away on business trips, and there wasn’t the opportunity to enjoy such togetherness,” she says.
She says that the pandemic has caused various stress reactions among people which may impact family relationships if not dealt with properly.
Most cases that she receives are about stress reactions triggered by the pandemic, ranging from insomnia and fear to depression.
Shortly after the outbreak, psychological consultants across China were mobilized to provide counseling free of charge for those in the most impacted areas. Wang also volunteered to work for a psychological counseling hotline in Wuhan, Hubei province, the hardest-hit city in the country.
“Such psychological support has relieved people’s pressure and eased their stress reactions, reducing the cases of divorce on impulse,” she says.
She admits that, in the pandemichit areas, couples face more challenges, but another situation also exists. It’s like when a powerful enemy attacks, couples will unite to face the difficulty, and their fortress will be reinforced thereafter.
Courting the law
Wang Mingling, a lawyer from Beijing Jingsh Law Firm, notes that since the outbreak began, the number of people seeking her legal counsel about divorce has increased slightly.
Some inquiries are only exploratory — they consult her about asset distribution and child custody and maintenance, while a few are firm in their stance for the dissolution of a marriage.
She says, compared with cases before the pandemic, reasons are roughly the same for more recent cases, such as incompatible personalities, or a bad relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-inlaw. A few express anxiety of financial pressure.
“Driven by their constant anxiety, some couples decide to seek legal counsel. It means that the legal awareness of the public has increased greatly,” she says.
“If a marriage is on the rocks, people should not have an extramarital affair or resort to violence as a solution. They can end the relationship legally.”
When she provides a divorce consultation, she will first urge a reconciliation between the couple, to see whether they can get back on good terms.
In December, the draft civil code proposed a 30-day cooling-off period. Either party can withdraw the divorce application from the marriage registry during that period.
According to Wang Mingling, the procedures of a divorce lawsuit take three to six months according to law, including mediations and asset evaluations.