to Set Your Most Intimate Relationship On Fire! (We’re Talking About Your Weighing Scale)

Do you have a turbulent relationship with your weighing machine? Does it make you cry after a date, not listen to you, and behave like it just doesn’t give a damn? Wipe those tears, because there are clever ways to boost your twosome...

Okay, we are not talking about your relationship with your BF. And we’re are not being sarcastic about your mother- in- law. And, we are not sugar coating a vagina monologue. We are talking about one of the most important relationships a girl has in her life. It’s the one with her weighing scale. I bet women think about their weight a lot more than men think about sex. I know I do. But that’s because I am a serial dieter. I think about my weight a lot. And it pretty much defines everything I do, from what I do at work, to who I flirt with at a party.

Your see, our weight is closely connected with confifidence and how we feel about ourselves. That tiny stupid machine has such a disproportionately large power over me, it’s ridiculous. The day it wakes up in a bad mood everything goes wrong. So here’s how to keep things hot and sexy with your weighing scale... Cheat on your diet, not with chocolate cake ( we should all be so lucky), but with another diet. And while you’re at it, cheat on your workout too, not by cuddling with a duvet, but with another workout. Spicing things up keeps the body on its toes. Your body doesn’t know how to react, and this helps it cut weight. When you are on the same diet or workout regime for a long time, your body gets used to it and, over time, refuses to shed those kilos. Cheating on your regular routine shocks the body and gives better results. Size definitely matters, but for this relationship, we prefer it small. Small is good. Small works. Portion

control means you don’t deny yourself any food, but you restrict quantity. The easiest way to do that is to have a no- seconds rules. No matter what. And eat from a smaller plate, so the plate looks full but there is less food on it. Do the listening when you are waiting for your food and do the talking when the food arrives. When you do the talking, you have to take long breaks between bites.

Meet your weighing scale at least once a day. Take your time. Get undressed luxuriously. Pray a little for all your previous night’s sins and hop on. And listen to your scale. It speaks the truth.

Well, ‘naughty’ was just to get your attention. But find a diet buddy and send her your weight on a strict daily basis. That way, someone else is in charge of ensuring you are getting on that scale. Choose someone who will take her task seriously. That way, you will ensure you are communicating with your scale daily.

Buffet is a food orgy. Too many cuisines. Too much choice. No rules on helpings, plates or portions. This is a total no-no. Always order á la carte. One dish. One choice. One portion. Be faithful to your plate.

Fantasise about food. Imagine that dark chocolate melting in your mouth. Taste it in your fantasy and then drop it. Fantasies have no calories.

Having a clear target like a hot dress to fit into for D-day is a great way to stay on focus. Try it on. Swirl in it, twirl in it. Take a picture of it. Make it larger-than-life in your head. Know that it will look hotter a couple of kilos down.

Skipping dinner is a good way to compensate for other excesses through the day. So when in doubt, just don’t come down for dinner. Don’t sit at the dining table. Don’t let your body prepare itself for dinner. Just ignore the meal altogether.

Talk about your weight and your weight-loss plan. Don’t be shy. It’s impossible to diet in secret. And the more people you tell, the more food police you will have monitoring your efforts. So tell your friends, family, even that nosey neighbour. Yes, all that attention to your weight can be very irritating and intrusive, but it’s highly effective.

Say yes to a threesome. No, not the one involving two hot six-pack six-footers, but sandwich work outs. Where you basically sandwich an intensive set between two lighter sets. For example, you walk 200 metres, run 100 metres, and then walk 200 metres again. Then repeat the cycle. It’s called interval training and is great for weight loss. As you get fitter, sandwich the walk between two runs.