He Says, VER­SUS She Says

Men may be from Mars and women from Venus, but who is bet­ter when it comes to dish­ing out ad­vice? Two self-pro­claimed ‘ex­perts’ bat­tle it out as they an­swer your top life (and love) con­cerns!

Cosmopolitan (India) - - LOVE & LUST - By Me­her Ba­jwa

QI got into an ar­gu­ment with my best friend, and we haven’t spo­ken since. We were both at fault but I just don’t want to be the one who al­ways gives in. She never buck­les! How do I make this work?

—Maya, 25, Delhi

NEL­TON SAYS

“You should just apol­o­gise and put an end to your mis­ery—re­mem­ber, it was partly your fault, too. Once things are back on track, talk to her about your feel­ings. She prob­a­bly hasn’t seen things through your per­spec­tive.”

SHIVANI SAYS

“What’s more im­por­tant—your ego or your friend­ship? You don’t have to apol­o­gise. Just give her a hug and tell her that you miss her. Gen­tly bring up that you don’t like be­ing the one who al­ways takes the first step to re­solve a fight.”

EX­PERT SAYS

It’s im­por­tant to re­mem­ber that mak­ing up af­ter a fight doesn’t al­ways have to equate with you apol­o­gis­ing, says Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. and author of Best Friends For­ever. If some­thing both­ered you once, it’s likely to bother you again if it isn’t re­solved. Be hon­est with her, let her know what both­ered you dur­ing the ar­gu­ment, and apol­o­gise for what you gen­uinely re­gret say­ing. More im­por­tantly, tell her how much her friend­ship means to you, and it hurts you that she never ini­ti­ates con­tact af­ter an ar­gu­ment.

Q I broke up with my BF of two years, three months ago. Now he keeps tex­ting say­ing he wants to talk. Even though I was very at­tached to him, our break-up was pretty ugly. Should I con­sider tak­ing him back? —Khushboo, 27, Mum­bai

NEL­TON SAYS “It de­pends on what the texts say. Don’t as­sume talk­ing means he wants to get back. There’s no harm in meet­ing him, but give your­self enough time to think it through and wait for some clar­ity to kick in.”

SHIVANI SAYS “It’s been three months and he still thinks of you, which is in­ter­est­ing. Break-ups can be ugly, but they leave you wiser. Meet him and see if you still have that spark left. If the an­swer is yes, then I think you should try to work out your dif­fer­ences and give it a shot.”

EX­PERT SAYS Ac­cord­ing to Dr Dar Hawks, author of Stop Be­ing Sin­gle Now, you need to ask your­self three ques­tions be­fore you de­cide to con­sider get­ting back with your ex. 1) Why do you want to get back? If you only miss him when you’re alone, then that prob­a­bly means you’re just feel­ing lonely. 2) Why did you break up in the first place? Ir­rec­on­cil­able dif­fer­ences are dif­fi­cult to get past, but if it was in the heat of the mo­ment, that could sim­ply have been bad tim­ing for you. 3) Has any­thing rel­e­vant changed since then? If the rea­son for your split is still rev­e­lant, it’s prob­a­bly a bad de­ci­sion to get back. If not, start afresh and go slow.

Q I’ve been see­ing this guy for over a month now. He’s a lawyer who works long hours and says he can only meet up at cer­tain times. Is he into me or just af­ter the sex? —Sh­a­gun, 23, Delhi

NEL­TON SAYS “I think you should give him the ben­e­fit of doubt. If he puts in a gen­uine ef­fort to spend time with you soon, then stick around. How­ever if he can’t make time for you now, then he prob­a­bly never will.”

SHIVANI SAYS “It’s only been a cou­ple of weeks. Meet him if you’re en­joy­ing your­self, but make your own plans, too. Maybe he wants to take it slow, or maybe he re­ally is a worka­holic. Give each other time be­fore you jump to con­clu­sions.”

EX­PERT SAYS Sug­gest meet­ing for din­ner or drinks at a ca­sual restau­rant, and then make up an ex­cuse for why you can’t join him later. He’s prob­a­bly in the habit of com­mit­ting for a few hours, so use them to get to know him. If he can’t make this work, then he prob­a­bly has other in­ter­ests in mind. Jerusha Ste­wart, author of The Sin­gle Girl’s Man­i­festa sug­gests re­view­ing the guy’s ‘ro­mance re­sume’ — does he have any past ex­pe­ri­ence in main­tain­ing solid re­la­tion­ships or is he strictly a night­time-only man?

Q I’m meet­ing my BF’s par­ents for the first time. I’m su­per ner­vous! What should I do... should I cook some­thing?! — Pavni, 25, Kolkata

NEL­TON SAYS “Just put your best foot for­ward by be­ing your usual warm self. Gifts and cook­ing should come later...slowly and spaced out. But it’s your per­son­al­ity that should re­ally im­press them at first!”

SHIVANI SAYS “There are a lot of ex­pec­ta­tions at­tached with cook­ing and you don’t want to com­pete with the prospec­tive MIL’s cook­ing yet. Play it safe and take a bou­quet of flow­ers his mum likes. Calm those nerves, be your­self, and don’t for­get to smile!”

EX­PERT SAYS It’s never a good idea to show up empty handed when you’re vis­it­ing for the first time. But un­less you’re su­per con­fi­dent in your cook­ing skills, skip the home-made stuff and stick to a care­fully se­lected, thoughtful gift. Cos­moTV’s Jen Kirsch sug­gests you do a lit­tle re­search, like ask­ing your BF what kind of stuff his par­ents like. But most im­por­tantly, don’t let your nerves get the bet­ter of you—there’s a rea­son your guy is with you and wants to in­tro­duce you to his fam­ily.

Q I’ve been best friends with this guy for five years now... we went to col­lege to­gether and re­mained friends af­ter. Re­cently, af­ter a very drunk night, we hooked up and en­joyed it. Nei­ther of us wants a re­la­tion­ship. Is this danger­ous ter­ri­tory? —Kirti, 25, Ban­ga­lore NEL­TON SAYS “No mat­ter how con­ve­nient it may seem at the start, friends-with-ben­e­fits can land you in trou­ble. In­se­cu­rity, emo­tions, and guilt, all mix to cre­ate a ter­ri­ble cock­tail. It’s prob­a­bly best to end things now rather than re­gret it later and lose a friend.”

SHIVANI SAYS “Have you watched Friends With Ben­e­fits? I think it de­scribes the sit­u­a­tion pretty well. It’s easy to let some­thing phys­i­cal cross­over to the emo­tional side. If you’re some­one who gets at­tached eas­ily, I’d say don’t even think about it.”

EX­PERT SAYS The FWB equa­tion is com­plex, and can lead to hurt and re­sent­ment. But if you’re sure about what you want, it can be great! Ja­nis Spin­del, author of How To Date Men, lays down a few rules: a) be hon­est if you start to de­velop feel­ings for him; b) be hon­est about the sex—be­ing FWB is all about the sex!; c) don’t get jeal­ous of any other re­la­tion­ships he might have; d) be absolutely pos­i­tive that you are ready for this be­cause ca­sual sex can be emo­tion­ally rough for any­one.

Q I’ve had this sex fan­tasy for a while now, but I’m too shy to share it with my boyfriend be­cause I’m wor­ried he’ll think I’m a freak. What should I do? —Rhea, 26, Mum­bai

NEL­TON SAYS “Be smart about it. Don’t nar­rate the sce­nario to him, but sug­gest it as a game that could be both fun and sat­is­fy­ing. And you never know, he might be re­ally into it, too!”

SHIVANI SAYS “It’s okay to be ner­vous about shar­ing some­thing so

in­ti­mate with your BF, but you need to muster the courage and just tell him. Then gauge his reaction—if he seems shocked, just laugh it off as a joke, and if he’s in­ter­ested, well, good for you!”

EX­PERT SAYS While it’s okay to be ap­pre­hen­sive about shar­ing your deep­est, dark­est fan­tasies with your part­ner, you need to re­mem­ber that you share a cer­tain level of com­fort and un­der­stand­ing with him as well. Chances are, he’ll be re­lieved and ex­cited that you shared th­ese in­ti­mate thoughts with him. LA-based psy­chol­o­gist and re­la­tion­ship ex­pert, Dr Adam Sheck, says the se­cret is in com­mu­ni­cat­ing your fan­tasy to him—give him the ben­e­fit of doubt in em­brac­ing your fan­tasies and make him a cen­tral part of them.

Q This col­league at work keeps steal­ing my ideas and send­ing them to the boss. She gets all the credit at the end of the day and I look un­pro­duc­tive. How do I get her to stop? — Sonam, 22, Delhi

NEL­TON SAYS “Use the ‘iron fist, velvet glove’ trick. Come up with a dumb idea, but cam­ou­flage it as the coolest thing ever. Let her steal your idea and watch the show with your boss.”

SHIVANI SAYS “How does she get to know? Could you be shar­ing it with some­one close to her? Start keep­ing your ideas to your­self and in­stall a pass­word on your com­puter.”

EX­PERT SAYS Cal­i­for­nia-based ca­reer coach Char­maine McClarie ex­plains why there could be var­i­ous rea­sons for your col­league stak­ing claim on your ideas: ei­ther she’s in­se­cure about her own or she’s just plain lazy. Un­less there’s a re­ally good rea­son not to, you should talk to your boss, but do it in a non-ac­cusatory man­ner. Also, don’t let go of the ideas once she’s pre­sented them. Send a fol­low up e-mail to the team with your thoughts on how to take it for­ward—this will let the oth­ers know that you’re a leader and a strate­gic, re­sult-ori­ented thinker.

They were stag­ing a ‘shoe­off’, and his neon socks were win­ning!

Those shoes were just too gor­geous to take off

Sure, the swing was fun, but what he re­ally wanted to get some din­ner

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