Showtime at Cannes

Ihave been invited to the Cannes film festival on two pieces of business, the second of which is discussing the production of a film from my novel The Bikini Murders with the company that’s announced their intention to make it. Strictly speaking, this could have been done any-

dead,’ “‘God is Nietzsche ‘And look, he’s left a will! To the rich and wicked he’s left the earth To the meek the promise of heaven still.’”

From Nietzsche Key Neechey by Bachchoo

said where in the world, but since the company has films actually competing in Cannes it seemed a good place for a rendezvous. My personal rule is never go to Cannes as a spare part. The best way is for one’s film to be invited in one of the competitions. One is in those circumstances a guest and doors are open.

The next best is to be a buyer, a person who can genuinely view films and make deals either to distribute or produce current and future projects. Many frauds turn up pretending to be buyers with manufactured credentials. They look busy on phones and computers, play “Movie Mogul” for a week and disappear till the next year.

Thirdly, you can be a seller. It means you have to do the seeking of appointments, unless you have the hottest property in town — in which case you needn’t have come to Cannes.

I must confess that I have been in all three categories. I was on three occasions, as an executive in Channel 4, UK (we made films also), associated with films in competition. In the same capacity I was in the buyer’s category talking to people who wanted the TV channel’s money. And as the writer I was there with the producers who were trying to sell them.

In one particular year there were two sets of producers attempting to get international distributors for five films I’d written in the previous year, one of which was Mangal Pandey: The Rising, and one of the others an international film called Red Mercury.

For some reason Cannes has, over the last 15 or so years, become a prowlspace for Indian producers, actors and filmy aspirants and their touts and the Indian press and TV. (Incidentally, we Indians have with our linguistic generosity gifted the world two non-French pronunciations of the town’s name, calling it “Carn” to rhyme with “barn” or “cans” as in plural of tins).

I would like to speak of an Indian TV reporter who stopped me at a Cannes street with, “Mr Dhondy, it’s sensational you have five films at Cannes!”

I said that was good to know but was news to me.

“But that’s what the Indian papers have reported.”

“Have they? Then they don’t know the difference between having films at Cannes and bringing coals to Newscastle hoping to sell them. ‘ Having’ a film ‘ at Cannes’ means the film has been selected by the festival in one of the competitive categories. None of the films I’ve written have been submitted to the competitions and they probably wouldn’t have been selected for exhibition anyway.”

“Oh, but the newspapers said they had been.”

“And that’s probably ruined my life,” I said. She was puzzled. “Why?” “I’ll never be able to go back to India now,” I said. “All my creditors will gather at the airport thinking I’ve come with money.”

She looked sceptical but I hope she understood that the Indian press circus at Cannes was buying into a rather shabby Indian act of cheating publicity.

There’s no dearth of multi-coloured money floating around the Bollywood industry and spending $1,000 a day for a good hotel room in Cannes may not seem extravagant to a producer. What they do is hire a hall 20 miles from the festival, screen their films once to their followers and announce to the Indian press that s/he “exhibited a film at Cannes”. I have been to several such screenings. They have been by and large worthless film that would struggle to get a release in any Indian city.

An exception: One of the regulars at Cannes is Surina Nirula with one or the other member of her family. I mention her this year because some weeks ago I went to a private showing of Decoding Annie Parker, a film that she and her sons have co-produced, which is a dramatic and moving story of research into breast cancer featuring the named sufferer and a determined scientist. The film is being used to raise charitable donations for a worthy cause and showing it at Cannes will be a welcome deviation from the self-serving junk that so often turns up there from Indian producers.

This year India celebrates 100 years of its film industry. This is an arbitrary date as the first Indian films were shot in 1899 and 1901 by Harish Bhatavdekar in Bombay. In the first years of the 20th century, Hiralal Sen of Kolkata shot a feature film called Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves.

Several documentaries featuring Lord Curzon’s Delhi Durbar, the inauguration of railways, the return to India from Cambridge of the Indian mathematician, “Wrangler” Paranjpye, were made and exhibited before 1913. Okay, so we famously fiddle birth dates and I suppose 2013 is as good a year for a centenary as any. Why we are celebrating it in Cannes is not exactly a mystery, but a good question.

There’ll be at least one party in a tent with more whisky than wine. No doubt there will be a length of red carpet at the entrance and if I wangle an invitation I can say that I have “walked the red carpet in Cannes”.