‘Children turn to their parents for decision-making’

I am getting married in the next six months. It is an arranged marriage and he lives with his parents. However, I want to tell him that I want to live separately after we get hitched. My mother hasn’t really been encouraging about me asking my fiancé this. I am worried my fiancé won’t appreciate the idea. I believe it is very important that we live alone without either of our parents interfering in our affairs. It’s not like his parents have been bad to me, but I would prefer we live our own lives. How do I convey this to my fiancé?

QI— Anonymous n our society one doesn’t get married to an individual but gets married into a household. So extended family is an inevitable part of married life. Often there could be adjustment issues, which could be misunderstood, and could take a toll on the bond that has to be established between the husband and wife.

Consider the dynamics of parental interference — When boundaries are not clearly established between parents and children it can lead to parents offering unsolicited advice as they feel they know better. Overinvolved parents who are possessive or those who do not have interest in a successful marriage for their children can interfere in their children’s marriage.

Some children are used to parental direction and turn to their parents for decision-making. However, when adult children take decisions independently and approach parents for suggestions in critical issues, the roles and boundaries of the relationship are clearly defined. Remember when couples enjoy their freedom and autonomy in making their own decision they need not feel compromised about their relationship with their parents.

It appears that your in-laws have not been bad to you but you fear parental interference. If you feel threatened by his parents’ interference then you need to be honest with your fears and work on this issue.

Try to talk to your fiancé about how the two of you would like decision-making to work. Check with him that you would prefer that the two of you make choices without getting input from either set of parents. It is all about establishing and maintaining boundaries with your parents and in-laws rather than separating from them. — This query has been

answered by Dr N. Sucharita PhD, from Roshni Counselling

Centre, Hyderabad