‘THIS RELATIONSHIP HAS GONE BEYOND HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP’
QI’m a 25-year-old working woman living with two roommates. For the last seven months, I have been in a relationship, and one of my roommates has been constantly creating trouble since it began. At first, she had a problem with him coming over, so I made sure to hang out outside or go to his place or other friends’ places. Now, she has a problem with the fact that I am never at home and that I never spend any time with her. She is one of the first friends I made after coming to the city, but the bitterness between us has got to the point where even something as simple as not coming home for dinner after telling her I would becomes a huge issue. She keeps reiterating that fact that I have changed and that she doesn’t even know me anymore. The situation at home is now such that I have resorted staying at friends’ places to avoid her, which only serves to make her angrier. It seems like a vicious cycle with no end. We are also in the same friend circle, so I don’t want things to stay so bad that it becomes uncomfortable for all of us to meet. What do I do? Is moving out the answer?
AYour friend seems to be a demanding person, who is seeking a lot of attention and time from you. Such people can be intrusive into personal matters and have a need to control and cannot set limits and boundaries in relationships. The fact that you are trying to avoid her and staying at friends’ places indicates that this relationship has gone beyond healthy friendship.
People like your friends have difficulty in dealing with uncertainty and cannot treat others with respect as well they cannot hear no for an answer. Some other signs of demanding people are a sense of entitlement and drive for perfection. Hence everything becomes a huge issue for her. Understand your approach with her. It appears that you are not a confronting person, and hence it’s easier to avoid her. However, you could be direct in your communication with her that you need your personal space. It is safe not to get into an argument with her at the same time do not get manipulated with feelings of guilt and obligation to accommodate her.
You could request her to respect your space while she finds her own life. Make sure you do not get threatened by her and step back from the friendship if you think both of you cannot come to a conclusion on behaviours that are unacceptable to you. — This query has been answered by Dr N. Sucharita PhD