Validation vampires
Remain tactful or be prepared to be cast out of loved ones’ lives for the wet blanket you are
Recently, my friend decided to surprise me by giving me two red crystal Christmas trees. The beautiful tall trees with silver-gold metallic stars atop arrived to my squeals of delight. Imagine my shock then, when a family member sitting around with her afternoon coffee exclaimed, ‘I’ve never liked Christmas trees. I don’t know what the big ado about them is!’
What timing! I wondered. Had she never heard of tact or about holding on to her unpleasant piece of personal leanings and choices for later? Was it so important to share everything about her likes and dislikes and be the proverbial wet blanket? Or was it that she felt her opinions were so important that they had to be expostulated as urgently?
It made me wonder about how important it is for one to choose words carefully even with family and close friends. Bursting someone’s bubble of joy makes you a killjoy, so however great your urge to ‘share’ your innermost revulsion may be, quell the urge and allow the person to revel in their moment. Your negative viewpoint could become the bad vibe affecting another’s happiness.
REASONS THAT MAY BE
I’ve often wondered what makes a killjoy so. Perhaps it’s a sense of selfimportance that makes the person feel their opinions and choices are of utmost importance to the world, no matter how he/she makes the moment unpleasant for another. Or it’s the result of a pure lack of tact and intellect.
Whatever the reason may be, I believe the response to such tactlessness should be tactful. Tell that person politely, but firmly, that you’re keen on enjoying the moment, requesting that person not to interfere when you were basking in the warmth and sunshine of your special moment.
If tact doesn’t work, avoid the person, for he/she can slowly and steadily drain your vigour by dripping criticism, complaints and pernickety behaviour into your life. Those forced to coexist with a killjoy must step away every time the drone of criticism and stories about that person’s know-it-all conversations begin.
Allowing a person to sit in judgement of your life and to make you feel guilty or anguished won’t add to your selfworth. While your self-worth is your own responsibility and the lack of it cannot be blamed upon anyone external, it’s also for you to ensure you don’t exacerbate another’s darkness and bad vibes. To seek joy and studiously avoid subversive people is a responsibility you owe to yourself.
FOR SELF-WORTH’S SAKE
I’ve also been a victim of seeking approval from others in my life, which is something nearly addictive — asking for advice/approval. But remember that seeking approval from nitpickers is a game in which you can never w in .
They revel in finding fault with others to enhance their sense of self.
I realised soon that I could never please killjoys in my life. I merely felt depleted and tired after the bouts of disparaging reproach. It took great amounts of willpower to get back on track with whatever I was doing back then. Would it not have been better to be my own appraiser rather than seeking input from an ‘evaluator’ who may thrive on pulling me down? Shouldn’t we work on our own sense of self-worth instead of asking for approval from killjoys who thrive on making us feel poorly about ourselves?
Over time, I began to depend upon myself to evaluate my own work, my looks, etc. I didn’t need to know from another if I needed to lose weight or whether a gift was fabulous or not. I don’t leave a place for killjoys in my life to rattle out spiels of advice, criticism and disparaging opinions about anything and everything under the sun, because I’ve understood that it’s our vulnerabilities that leave us open to fault-finding whingers of our lives.
Allowing a person to sit in judgement of your life and to make you feel guilty or anguished won’t add to your self-worth