How to apply for a job to home secy of Blunderland!

On Feb 4, Twitter was asked to take down 1,178 a/cs with links to Pak

“Oh Bachchoo let’s have due regard For the story-telling genius Scheherazade

Who over a thousand and one nights Scaled creation’s narrative heights

of

She held a king under her spell Assuring him there was more to tell And so, with each inventive breath Do story-tellers stave off death.”

— From Lambey Laments by

Bachchoo

T o: UK Home Office,

Street, London SW

My dear Priti Patelji,

I am writing to apply for the post of Chief Speechwriter for which you advertised this week.

Your advertisement specifies that “the successful candidate will be someone who can imitate the Home Secretary’s personal style”.

Let me start by saying, Pritiji, that I have closely followed your career, from the time you were thrown out of your job by the then PM Theresa May, for attempting unofficial deals and private contact with Israeli officials and businesswallas, to when you favoured

2 Marsham hanging and capital punishment, to your generous policies regarding police pay, illegal entrants to Britain and your speeches attacking anti-terrorism and the Covid crisis.

I am sure that, being a Parsi with a knowledge of fluent Gujarati, I am best qualified for the job. Please tear up and bin any applications from Goras, Punjabis, Pakistanis, Bengalis, etc. None of them will understand the prejudices you have imbibed as a child of immigrant shopkeepers from Uganda. I must confess never having been to Uganda or kept a shop, but as a writer of stage plays, etc, I constantly think myself into the mentality, prejudices, and styles of thought and speech of different characters. I am sure you will consider this my Trump card (I know you got the joke. Ha ha!).

Of course, I don’t expect you to call me instantly and offer me the job without testing my abilities to deliver superb text in your voice, so I am setting out some samples below:

The first is a sample address to the Tory Conference.

“Comrades, Lords and Ladies,

I stand before you as your new Home Secretary appointed by our brilliant elected Prime Minister Doris Bronson who has very perceptively recognised my fantastic talents for this job. I am fully aware of the heavy responsibility that this places on my head such as keeping the wogs out of the country (loud cheers and standing ovation), making the police more effective by cutting their numbers and pay (shuffling in the audience), zero tolerance for criminals with a lock-up-andthrow-away-the-key approach, with the building of five thousand more jails and bringing back hanging (second standing ovation) — er um… I didn’t mean by ropes, I meant hanging as in suspending people, like my Chief Civil Servants if they express any opinions….”

I guarantee Pritiji, these thoughts of yours which I have humbly attempted to put into words will get you to be PM after this fellow —whose name you characteristically forget.

Secondly, here is a sample address to the Police Federation as you are now in charge of all PC Plods.

“My brave and dedicated servants of the law, let me start by announcing that I intend to immediately boost police pay (huge applause and cat calls). I have instructed my office to see that every police officer gets paid at least £3 and 12 shillings per week (total silence). This is in recognition of the fantastic work your forces are doing in fighting and combatting anti-terrorism, which must be wiped off the face of this planet. (Huge cheers from Islamicist policemen) ….

And next, Pritiji, your address to the House of Commons on immigration.

“Mr Speaker, the gravest crisis facing this country is not the shortage of grave-diggers caused by the Covid virus, but the illegal entry of immigrants and so-called asylum seekers across our land-borders with Europe. The previous Labour government under Terrestrial May lived up to its Prime Minister’s name by declaring that these criminals May use the Terrestrial tunnels to enter our country (Here you pause for the laughter that will certainly follow this joke!). I propose, Mr Speaker, to build a wall across these borders with barbed wire on top to stop people coming in. We shall have a Ugandan and Cayman Island style immigration policy by which all Asians will have to leave the country and only taxdodgers and drug lords will be admitted to the free ports declared by our hedgey-boy chancellor Wishy Anorak. Doris has already told me that he will get the Norwegians to pay for this wall….”

And then perhaps Pritiji, the PM may ask you to take to the TV lectern to address the nation on the Covid crisis and the government’s efforts to combat it in accordance to the science. So, here’s what you might say:

“It is with great sadness that the statistics today reveal that Britain has suffered 66 million deaths in the last 24 hours. My thoughts and condolences go out to all these deaths’ families. Now despite some mother lovers opposing lockdown, what the epicologists, etc tell us that not only is lockdown a good thing, we should also have lock-up — which means anyone who tests positive for Covid should be locked up and the key thrown away. And if any scientist or civil servant opposes my sane policies they can bloody-well F-off and die — effing wankers — I know where you live…”

Farrukh Dhondy

Your future ventriloquist,

Obsequiously, Farrukh Dhondy

Delhi, Feb. 12: Twitter has blocked over 97 per cent of the accounts and posts flagged by the IT ministry for provocative content and misinformation around farmers’ protest, sources said.

This followed a meeting between Twitter representatives and the information technology secretary on Wednesday evening where the US-based microblogging platform was issued a stern warning to comply with local laws or be prepared for action.

The ministry had questioned Twitter’s delay in taking action on its order to block provocative content that could impact public law and order, whereas the American company had been quick to crack down when a similar instance occurred at US Capitol Hill.

According to the sources, Twitter has now complied with the orders and over

97 per cent of the accounts flagged have been blocked.

Twitter did not respond to queries on the matter.

On February 4, Twitter was asked to take down

1,178 accounts with links to Pakistan and Khalistan supporters that were spreading misinformation and provocative content related to farmers’ protest.

Prior to that, the government had sought blocking of 257 tweets and handles in connection with the agitation by farmers over the new agricultural laws. Twitter had complied with

THE MINISTRY had questioned Twitter’s delay in taking action on its order to block provocative content that could impact public law and order, whereas the American company had been quick to crack down when a similar instance occurred at US Capitol Hill.

THE GOVERNMENT had made it clear that it will not negotiate with the platforms while insisting on compliance with its orders.

the orders only to restore the accounts hours later.

Twitter on Wednesday morning had said it has suspended over 500 accounts and blocked access to several others within India, but maintained that it would not block accounts of “news media entities, journalists, activists and politicians” as doing so “would violate their fundamental right to free expression” guaranteed under the

country’s law.

It, however, yielded to the orders later after the crucial meeting on Wednesday evening.

In a statement after the meeting, IT ministry had stated that the microblogging platform had been asked to take strong action against “well-coordinated” campaigns “designed to create disharmony and unrest” in the country.

Monique Meche, Twitter Vice President Global

Public Policy and Jim Baker, Deputy General Counsel and Vice President Legal, had affirmed Twitter’s commitment towards following Indian laws and rules.

The executives had also requested for better engagement between the Indian government and the company’s global team. Sources said Twitter’s latest move to block the flagged accounts is itself a validation that the government’s orders were backed by sound reasoning and logic.

The government had made it clear that it will not negotiate with the platforms while insisting on compliance with its orders as it believed that a private commercial entity in India cannot unilaterally decide on public law and order, ignoring the democratic values of the country.

IT ministry was of the view that Twitter, being an intermediary, was required to take immediate action after receiving the government’s notice to block handles, but did not move with haste to take down “atrocious” hashtags and “incendiary” content even amid a volatile situation.

IT minister Ravi Shankar Prasad had recently emphasised that the government is all for freedom of speech and expression and that it remains investor-friendly, but disrespecting democratic values is not acceptable.

A growing market niche where investors profit from others' legal troubles is getting a boost from Covid. Distressed-investing funds and litigationfinance boutiques are likely to be spoiled for choice after a landmark UK court ruling last month rejected pleas from insurers looking to dodge pandemic payouts. They're looking to finance or buy denied Covid-19 insurance claims for policyholders without the means or stomach for taking their insurers to court.

"This is going to be huge," said Steve Cooklin, chief executive officer of London-based litigation funder Manolete Partners Plc, whose biggest shareholder is veteran distressed investor Jon Moulton. "It's hard to say at this stage how big exactly this issue is, but it's probably going to be in the hundreds of millions of pounds."

Insurers have warned that Covid-19 coverage claims could top as much as $100 billion-potentially the industry's largest loss in history. Business-interruption

coverage, which protects against losses when companies have to shut for a period of time, has been one of the most costly and contentious policy lines in the pandemic. UK virus-related claims, including on businessinterruption policies, could exceed $2 billion.

For investors in a zeroyield world of spiralling stock prices, the insurance payout battles present opportunities that can pay off regardless of how debt and equity markets perform -- they're "uncorrelated," in the jargon of the trade.

Assets held by litigation funders in the UK hit a record high of 1.9 billion pounds ($2.6 billion) last year, an analysis by law firm Reynolds Porter Chamberlain LLP shows. It's a market that has lured hedge funds, including DE Shaw & Co, Fortress Investment Group and Elliott Management Corp.

"Sustained tailwinds" are in store for litigation funders, according to Bloomberg Intelligence analyst Tamlin Bason. "The uncorrelated, counter-cyclical nature of those returns could make litigation finance an attractive hedge during periods of market volatility."

A trade can work like this: First, a company that had business-interruption coverage is rebuffed by its insurer, which argues the policy excludes coverage of pandemics or doesn't cover the type of damages sought. A judge often must parse the policy, and that can take years and hundreds of thousands of dollars—if not millions—in legal fees. Making a pitch to save policyholders time and money, litigation funders offer to immediately buy the Covid-19 claim at a discount, sometimes for less than a third of the total value. The funds make money by taking the dispute to court, betting the ultimate payout will dwarf the purchase price.