Why should house husbands be praised
As gender stereotypes change, stay-at-home dad/husband is a choice the man makes. Both he and his partner are fine with it so why do men need to be eulogised and get an extra pat on their back for what housewives routinely do? Likewise, they needn’t be l
When Hollywood star Kate Winslet recently described her husband Abel Smith as a “superhot, superhuman stay-at-home dad” and an “absolutely extraordinary life partner” who looks after her and the children, it got us wondering why highly successful women felt the need to overpraise their spouse for doing the same work women do as homemakers.
Stay-at-home dads/husbands choose to stay home — as their achiever wives ascend the stairs to the top of the world — taking care of the household right from looking after the children to ensuring that the house is in order. Even American VicePresident Kamala Harris’ niece Meena revealed recently that her husband gave up his high-powered job at Facebook to become a stay-at-home dad so she could focus on writing feminist children’s books.
David Beckham, the dashing former football player, claims to love taking his kids to school (four different schools at that) and help with their extracurricular activities and says he loves being a stay-at-home dad.
But do men need to be eulogised and get an extra pat on their backs for what women routinely do?
Dr Purnima Nagaraj, a mental health professional at Dhrithi Wellness Clinic, states plainly that men are eulogised endlessly for doing things that are very routine for a woman. “In today’s world — in the west or east — women still have role definitions and are expected to be a fantastic homemaker, a wonderful mother, a great daughter-in-law and daughter and an exemplary wonderful wife, all the while managing her job. Even so, she’s expected to be one step below her husband and even earn less than him,” states Dr Nagaraj.
A SUPERB HUSBAND
Giving us a peek at being a stayat-home
I’ve always believed in financial independence for women, which allows them free choice and can help them to not tolerate abuse, which in turn explains the divorce rates. However, this is a churn period. Soon, men will acknowledge the contribution of women and things will stabilise
— UDAY PILANI,
industrialist
dad, industrialist Uday Pilani tells us how at the age of 45 he retired from heading a large listed company in 2015. Now, Uday has taken on an advisory role at work while spending time with his family.
Uday, who owns hotels in the UK, as well as the FinTech and Management Consulting company in India, believes that gender stereotyping is slowly on the way out and there’s a growing understanding of the family dynamics now. “I’ve always believed in financial independence for
There are conflicting thoughts all the time that we (a house husband) might be the biggest flop or failure in our circles. It even happened in the last four years. But to me, my family is the ultimate.
— RAO DINKAR,
filmmaker
While a man changing diapers becomes headlines, a woman is expected to understand that cooking and cleaning are her jobs and not something she should expect kudos or thanks for. Isn’t it a husband’s job to take care of wife and children? We each have to take care of the other, and that’s how marriages or relationships need to be
— DR PURNIMA NAGARAJ, a mental health professional
women, which allows them free choice and can help them to not tolerate abuse,” feels Uday, adding that he was convinced long ago that women can do much more than what men were doing.
He remembers how during his early business days his wife Roopal and his mother were great pillars of support, never once complaining about the lack of a sustained income. “So when I started making money finally in 2009, my entire income was marked either to my wife or my mother. I didn’t even have a personal bank account or credit card. Even today, my credit card is an add-on card on my wife’s account,” adds Uday.
Secondly, Uday made all his business investments in his wife’s name while all his realestate investments were made in his mother’s name. “I actively encouraged my wife (who’s also the managing director of his company) to manage the business and she did a wonderful job even in a complex environment like Nigeria.”
BANKER TURNED BESTSELLING AUTHOR CHETAN BHAGAT
has no regrets over his decision of having quit an 11-year-old, well-paying job with a global bank in Hong Kong and relocating to India to pursue his passion for writing, full-time and being stay-athome dad
“I see no problem in my wife, Roopal, owning all the businesses and asking my mother for money to spend. I take pride that they are fully financially independent or rather in a legal way, I am dependent on them. Of course, I work and administer the various businesses plus make new investment decisions etc but it is mostly in the names of either of these women.”
CHOOSING TO STAY HOME
Acclaimed filmmaker Rao Dinkar, who made films like Zoya the Black Widow, Asthi, Papoo Photowalah and Railway Raju, calls himself a proud ‘house husband’ who spends his time cooking for his children and doing house chores after his wife Leena, who’s a Government official, leaves for work in the mornings.
“I live in Delhi but travel to Mumbai for work. As I’d been working from home for some time, I began doing household chores such as cooking and even started enjoying the experience,” he tells us. “While Leena and I make breakfast and she prepares the kids’ lunch, it’s left to me to manage several things at home, like making the rest of the day’s meals, setting the washing machine and many other things.” “My work nowadays is such that I need to edit on my computer and write scripts while doing the household chores,” adds Dinkar. “And now I’ve really grown into it, and have begun to appreciate the effort that’s required to do all the work as a part of life.” Although more dads are choosing to become stayat-home parents, societal expectations and gender stereotypes still impact their peers and family’s perception of them. Even Dinkar shares that he’s experienced those perceptions while interacting with boisterous guys who claim to be great successful entrepreneurs/ achievers. “There are conflicting thoughts all the time that we might be the biggest flops or failures in our circles. It even happened in the last four years. But to me, my family is the ultimate. And while my wife Leena, who’s also a writer and poet, has been very supportive and sensitive, my daughters like my being there for them all the time,” adds Dinkar.
“A lot of role definitions exist in our country such as the belief that a wedded woman should go to the man’s house after marriage and not the other way around. If the husband is seen helping her out, he is called his wife’s slave,” says Dr Nagaraj
Dr Purnima Nagaraj points out how some women don’t discuss their promotions or salary hikes with husbands as they fear they might not be treated well at home. She shares the story of a client who sought a separation from her husband after she became the Assistant Vice-President of the company and earned a huge salary hike. “As she shared the development with her husband, he bluntly told her to first learn to make perfectly round rotis while accusing her of not being a good mother or a good wife. Since then, he’d check her phone and get upset that she worked in different time zones. He began suspecting her for the most unreasonable causes and even put tabs on her money, barring her from making investments and asked her to account for every penny she made. She finally got fed up and left him.” According to the mental health professional, a lot of role definitions exist in our country, which we follow unquestioningly even now, such as the belief that a wedded woman should go to the man’s house after marriage and not the other way around. If the husband is seen helping her out, he is called his wife’s slave. The mental health professional says couples must propagate equality and share household chores towards breaking the rigid gender roles in the society.
THE UNCONSCIOUS STEREOTYPES