What’s worse, a lie or a secret?
Well, since life isn’t black and white, it’s fair to say that concealing some elements of your life from your partner/spouse may not amount to a betrayal
Harmless lies are ok, especially if said to make someone feel better, or if you want to save a person from being embarrassed. There are many such situations. Same applies to a secret too. It all depends on the intent — should not hurt or cheat
You say your kids’ artwork is the best, to encourage them; you compliment friends when they ask you how they are looking at a party; you make up excuses for declining a boring invite; sometimes you fake it in bed … One lies consciously, not out of malice, but sometimes out of politeness or to avoid hurting people unnecessarily.
Secrets, on the other hand, are certain aspects of your life or a significant thing you want to conceal from your partner. Since life isn’t black and white, it’s fair to say that concealing some elements of your past, like your sexual history, a family secret concerning a parent or sibling, or a piece of distant history which is never in danger of coming out, may not amount to a betrayal. Bygones after all are better off left that way.
But the argument is: Being secretive in your present life is not really wrong vs your partner deserves to know what is up with you.
So, where can we push the boundaries and what is considered unforgivable?
Here are some opinions:
BEING DECEITFUL IS WRONG
All lies are based on secrets, something you choose not to divulge. Now, there are two kinds of lies a white lie and an outright one.
White lies are told in the best interests of the person (though not necessarily the best way forward) — for example, telling your child Gabbar will come if he/she doesn’t eat their food. An outright lie is told with the intent to deceive. If your partner is the one you’re lying to, the lack of trust and ability to communicate honestly indicates a fundamental block which needs correction.
Sometimes the background of relationships doesn’t encourage complete confidence. In an arranged marriage scenario, the girl may want to tell her husband she is not a virgin but may refrain from doing so because of the dynamics or circumstances of the relationship.
But if you are being deceitful within the relationship, your personality, ethics and courage need to be questioned as well as the level of your respect for your
partner’s right to know and act accordingly.
— Pooja Bedi,