FANTASTIC LIES AND WHERE TO FIND THEM
Whether at work or play, humans have an infinite capacity and need for invention
INSTEAD OF BEING RIGHTEOUS ABOUT OUR INTEGRITY, WE NEED TO HONE OUR ABILITY FOR SUBTERFUGE AND OBFUSCATION
There’s no point being moralistic about this. We all know there are situations that are only survived/escaped with the help of lies of the white, black and even fuchsia variety. From the harmless “I’m fine!” in response to “How are you?” to the “Sorry, I have my annual health checkup” in reply to the terrifying “Let’s go to the opening of the solo show on solipsism next Tuesday?” the power of invention preserves our safety at the cost of our innocence. Instead of being righteous about our integrity, we need to hone our ability for subterfuge and obfuscation. Using words like subterfuge and obfuscation is a good start.
HOME
It begins early, and usually with homework, where the potential for telling a whopper is huge. Gullible parents and bored teachers are an early testing ground for this skill; mastery can be achieved with ease if one is truly earnest about the lack of earnestness. As grown-ups, we know how to squirm away from tasks using sudden re-eruptions of ailments or unavoidable chores. But the one that works so well, it even half convinces the liar about its veracity, is this: “I have home stuff.”
Now it takes a very persistent friend or colleague to probe beyond this inviolable line. The listener imagines the worst: divorce, health emergencies or something that’s even more disruptive – the remodelling of a kitchen. They simply accept it as the brahmastra of community life. The user giggles in delight while trying to somehow retrofit their deceptions with the truth. “But it’s true,” they delude themselves. “I did have to drop off the key at my grandaunt’s.” Or some such minuscule activity that would have taken all of 20 minutes to wrap up. Strange are the workings of the human conscience. Thank goodness.
WORK
This is the danger zone where the principles of even the most upstanding members of the community are challenged. From “Oh, your mail must have slipped into the spam folder!” to “I didn’t realise you needed the entire copy edited,” the work space – whether real or virtual – is like a crime scene where the truth is murdered minute after minute. Imaginary cheques have for decades been slipped into notional mailboxes. Annual bonuses begin and end their lives as enthusiastically supported rumours. The new hardware that had been ordered years ago somehow never gets delivered. If you’re a fan of Dilbert or The Office, you know how it goes.
But there are those who perfect their performances in this theatre of the absurd to such an extent that they deserve their accolades. Attendance registers tell taller tales than self-appraisals. And then there are the meetings, the place where good sense goes to freeze in a rickety chair while watching an interminable slide show, which the person who prepared will never get credit for. At some point in this charade, the yawns turn to applause. It’s hard, but the impostor must accept this undue credit with grace. (Source: The Tao of Corporate Life.
Pirated version)
PLAY
Leisure is where humans can take their masks off and truly be themselves. Wrong. This is where the plot sickens. I have had to plumb the dark depths of my soul to come up with creative excuses to skip cloying social engagements from book launches to movie nights. And so I’m sympathetic to those who are similarly unable to overcome their early indoctrination in honesty and other oppressive ideologies.
There is, of course, an alternative. I once received a phone call from a friend who said: “I’m feeling lonely and thought I would come over.” Now this was new. Not a made-up “I was passing by your neighbourhood …” or a justifying “I had a lastminute cancellation.” An innocent request born out of a simple urge. Emboldened by this friend’s courage, I am going to try honesty to wriggle out of burdensome commitments. “I’m not coming because I don’t want to.” Just typing that out makes me feel like an anarchist. Let there be chaos!