An open letter from Santa Claus ‘Singh’

Ho-ho-ho Ms Singh,

Idown chimneys, so yes I just use the front door. It’s difficult to tell if the children have been good or naughty, as they spend all day in front of screens and we cannot monitor online content from the North Pole, due to poor connectivity. All my local elves had to be replaced with those from China and Japan so I could cope with the demand. I’ve also outsourced to India.

I was trying to navigate the flyovers and reach South Delhi; as its kids there who demand the most gifts; I lost my way and landed up in Karol Bagh. When I greeted the Punjabis there with my customary Ho-ho-ho; they broke into a song, “Oh-hoho-ho, oh-ho-ho-ho, oh-ho ishq tera tadpave.” They grabbed hold of me calling me Santa Singh and started the bhangra.

The shopkeepers forced me to buy some ugly and overkill sweaters which looked too bulky even for North Pole but they kept shouting in my ears, “Pashmina pure pashmina.” I hastened back to the park where I had left my reindeer and found that Prancer was slumped over and retching after eating some leftover ‘chole-bhature’ from the open dustbin. He mistook the toxic foam floating on the Yamuna for snow and ate some.

As we dodged the crowds and sped away, we nearly bumped into a herd of cows sitting bang in the middle of the road. I wanted to replace my sick reindeer with a sweet little jersey cow. As I was fastening her to the harness, a mob surrounded me and called the police. I asked if I could borrow a buffalo instead but they said it was a bad idea as only Yama, the God of Death, rode a buffalo.

I somehow managed to reach your house; placed gifts under the under-nourished Araucaria bush that you pass off for a Christmas tree, but at least you don’t cut fir trees. The reindeer helped themselves to the snacks you left for us. Those oily ‘pakoras’ and ‘samosas’ were spicy as hell but thanks to you, Rudolf’s nose is red again.

Next Christmas if you continue to live in Delhi, I might need sonar (sound navigation ranging). I’m heading back before you humans melt my polar ice caps too. I’ve made my sleigh amphibious just in case. Yours in jest,

Santa Claus ‘Singh’

IT’S HARD TO CARRY ALL THAT FRAGILE STUFF AND IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO BREAK THEM SLIDING DOWN CHIMNEYS, SO YES I JUST USE THE FRONT DOOR