In two minds
A new memoir on living with bipolar disorder offers candid, intimate insight. ‘I realised that living differently and healing differently would be key,’ says Aparna Piramal Raje
Early on in her memoir about living with bipolar disorder, Aparna Piramal Raje writes about the realisation that recovery is as much part of her condition as depression and mania. This insight, recorded by the author in her journal in 2016, enabled her to shift goalposts: Rather than avoid mania or depression, as she had been intent on doing, she decided to seek well-being.
“I was interested in finding the road that led to it — the actions that would help me feel fulfilled, not just the outcome,” Raje writes, in her book, Chemical Khichdi: How I Hacked My Mental Health.
Raje’s memoir joins a host of recent personal accounts of living and coping with mental illness, from Jerry Pinto’s Em and the Big Hoom (2012; a fictionalised tale of two youngsters navigating their mother’s bipolar condition) to journalist Shreevatsa Nevatia’s How to Travel Light (2017; a memoir on his journey with manic depression) and Shaheen Bhatt’s I’ve Never Been (Un) Happier (2018; on her struggles with depression).
Raje’s book is different in that it is a combination of personal experience and scientific discourse — she quotes extensively from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, scientific journals and peer-reviewed data.
By focusing on the process of developing mechanisms for coping or, as she puts it, recovering, Raje, 46, offers insight that could help all those reeling from the events of the
past two years. Excerpts from an interview.
You talk about how you saw your condition as having four stages, which included not only the disorder (depression, avoidance, mania) but also the recovery. Can you elaborate?
It takes a long time to recover [from an episode]. There is this virtuous cycle that I know I have to achieve, which means doing things in a more regulated way — not taking on so many projects, slowing down — rather than going down the vicious cycle of bipolarity [which is fuelled by either mania or depression]. So, the question I posed to myself was how do I get there? The vicious cycle came so naturally to me, I had to find ways to get on to the virtuous cycle.
The path was therapy, the right lifestyle, understanding your triggers and how to manage them, getting perspective on why you do the things you do, playing opposite-handed because your natural hand is flawed. The art of how to be driven [towards an outcome] and yet be detached [from it] and focused on the journey to it, that’s the thing to learn.
The idea of accommodating mental health concerns in the workplace, at least in the Indian context, is new. How can we better address this?
First of all, the basic issue is how does one tackle someone who has a mental-health condition? What is your attitude? My editors at Mint [the financial daily published by HT Media, which also publishes the Hindustan Times; Raje has been a freelance writer and columnist since 2008] were allies, because they were able to understand my needs. They accepted the frequency of articles that suited me. So the first part is a willingness to accommodate someone who has a mental health condition. The second is to help find the right fit, and then, give the person a second chance.
The thing is, we all have setbacks and may not always be able to succeed at work, for various reasons. The workplace itself is a very stressful place. [So the question is] How do we find that balance in creating a work environment that is competitive, dynamic, has its share of office politics, and yet is one that is nurturing and empathetic?
Do you think there is a sense of increased ease in talking about mental health issues, even if not disorders, in the workplace?
The younger generation is much more open to having these conversations. Sure, some may use terms relating to disorders quite casually, like ADHD [Attention-deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder] or depression, without a clinical diagnosis. But I don’t think this necessarily helps people who are genuinely tackling such conditions. What people do seem to be trying to say is that work can be really stressful, and if this book points out one thing it is that there have been many times when I haven’t succeeded at work, for reasons other than mental health. So how do we find a balance? This is central to our lives. We tend to forget that work too is therapeutic. Everyone needs to find their bandwidth: Mine might be narrower than that of a CEO of a billion-dollar company who’s working 14-hour days and travelling 10 days a month. The pandemic is really prompting that self-examination.
The vicious cycle came so naturally to me, I had to find ways to get on to the virtuous cycle. The path was therapy, the right lifestyle, understanding my triggers.
What does “health” mean to you?
That’s a big question, and there is no easy way to answer it. I think it’s when you have a sense of well-being. Are you in a state of mind where you can be happy for no reason? That’s a good place to be in. A lot of spiritual leaders, for instance, are not attached to anything; children are often happy for no reason. Health is a derivative of that. Of course, there are physical parameters of health too. I’d love to be a lot fitter, but mentally, I can say it’s been pretty good for the last few years. A sense of well-being includes being peaceful.