AR­RANGED MAR­RIAGES 101

Un­able to find Mr or Miss Right in an ar­ranged mar­riage setup be­cause you are too choosy? Ex­perts pre­dict try­ing times ahead for you

Hindustan Times (Gurugram) - City - - LIFESTYLE - Collin Ro­drigues ■ collin.ro­drigues@htlive.com

Find­ing the right match, es­pe­cially if you are go­ing for an ar­ranged mar­riage setup, is one of the most dif­fi­cult as­pects of a per­son’s life. It is time-con­sum­ing and of­ten takes months or years. While some peo­ple zero in on their fu­ture spouse soon enough, oth­ers take far too long.

One of the rea­sons could be be­cause they be­come picky about their choices. But in the bar­gain, such peo­ple don’t re­alise that they may have missed the bus and they them­selves are get­ting re­jected by po­ten­tial spouses. Here, we delve deeper into this is­sue and get ex­perts to speak about it.

DEAL­ING WITH COM­PAT­I­BIL­ITY IS­SUES

It’s very im­por­tant that peo­ple who go in for ar­ranged mar­riages set their pri­or­i­ties right. Dr Ambrish Dharmadhikari, psy­chi­a­trist, says that the most im­por­tant as­pect is to have a con­nec­tion with a per­son you are look­ing to get mar­ried to.

He says, “One should look for com­pat­i­bil­ity. The values, at­ti­tude, be­lief sys­tems, ideas, be­liefs and am­bi­tions of the two peo­ple should also match. The two should un­der­stand each other.”

Also, in ar­ranged mar­riages, re­jec­tion is part and par­cel of the process. In the search for a life part­ner, peo­ple get re­jected and also re­ject as many po­ten­tial matches. Do­ing so can have a ma­jor im­pact on a per­son men­tally.

Dr Dharmadhikari says, “In ar­ranged mar­riages, com­pat­i­bil­ity is one of the fac­tors for re­jec­tion. But many peo­ple take this re­jec­tion per­son­ally and have to deal with is­sues of self-es­teem and con­fi­dence. Such peo­ple even de­velop de­pres­sion and anx­i­ety.”

It is im­por­tant to take re­jec­tion in one’s stride and also to be strong enough to turn down some­one who is not an apt match in good time. The fol­low­ing fac­tors can be kept in mind while search­ing for a part­ner:

DON’T STRETCH IT OUT

One should take a call af­ter a few dates with the po­ten­tial part­ner. Men­tal health coun­sel­lor Kavita Mungi says, “Meet his or her fam­ily and un­der­stand each other’s cul­tural, mon­e­tary and so­cial value sys­tems. Do not use de­lay­ing tac­tics if you are un­sure or be­cause you think some­one else bet­ter-suited or bet­ter-look­ing might come along.”

TAK­ING A DE­CI­SION IN A HURRY

Though time is a ma­jor fac­tor while look­ing for a part­ner in an ar­ranged mar­riage setup, tak­ing a de­ci­sion in a hurry with­out giv­ing enough time can also have its own share of reper­cus­sions.

Mungi agrees and says, “In an ar­ranged mar­riage setup, it is very im­por­tant to be cau­tious be­fore tak­ing the plunge. A cer­tain de­gree of ma­tu­rity and un­der­stand­ing is key to a good mar­riage. Re­al­ity can be very dif­fer­ent from dreams.”

BUT NOT TOO CHOOSY

Be­ing picky in search of a flaw­less re­la­tion­ship makes one lose the best of matches.

Clin­i­cal psy­chol­o­gist Tanushree Bhar­gava says, “Due to our so­cial be­liefs, younger is con­sid­ered more el­i­gi­ble, and thus, peo­ple tend to be in­ter­ested in younger part­ners. Also, peo­ple tend to look for a part­ner with more child­bear­ing ca­pa­bil­i­ties. So, as you grow older, you tend to be the one who is get­ting re­jected by po­ten­tial spouses.”

Mungi nar­rates the case of gy­nae­col­o­gist Dr Anita Nair (name changed), who had high ex­pec­ta­tions. She says, “Nair, an av­er­age look­ing lady, was look­ing for a fel­low doc­tor as a groom who was tall, rich and good-look­ing. The prospec­tive grooms would be mon­eyed, qual­i­fied, good­look­ing or tall but rarely a com­bi­na­tion of all th­ese. When she did find peo­ple who fit her ex­pec­ta­tions, they were in­tim­i­dated by her ag­gres­sion and ex­pec­ta­tions. This led to a se­ries of meet­ings over the years with no re­sult, lead­ing Anita to be­come bit­ter over time. Her high and un­re­al­is­tic ex­pec­ta­tions left her with­out a part­ner even af­ter sev­eral years.”

One should look for com­pat­i­bil­ity. The values, at­ti­tude, ideas, be­liefs and am­bi­tions of the two peo­ple should also match. The two should un­der­stand each other.

DR AMBRISH DHARMADHIKARI,

PSY­CHI­A­TRIST

PHOTO: SHUTTERSTOCK/USED FOR REPRESENTATIONAL PUR­POSES ONLY

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