ARRANGED MARRIAGES 101

Unable to find Mr or Miss Right in an arranged marriage setup because you are too choosy? Experts predict trying times ahead for you

Finding the right match, especially if you are going for an arranged marriage setup, is one of the most difficult aspects of a person’s life. It is time-consuming and often takes months or years. While some people zero in on their future spouse soon enough, others take far too long.

One of the reasons could be because they become picky about their choices. But in the bargain, such people don’t realise that they may have missed the bus and they themselves are getting rejected by potential spouses. Here, we delve deeper into this issue and get experts to speak about it.

DEALING WITH COMPATIBILITY ISSUES

It’s very important that people who go in for arranged marriages set their priorities right. Dr Ambrish Dharmadhikari, psychiatrist, says that the most important aspect is to have a connection with a person you are looking to get married to.

He says, “One should look for compatibility. The values, attitude, belief systems, ideas, beliefs and ambitions of the two people should also match. The two should understand each other.”

Also, in arranged marriages, rejection is part and parcel of the process. In the search for a life partner, people get rejected and also reject as many potential matches. Doing so can have a major impact on a person mentally.

Dr Dharmadhikari says, “In arranged marriages, compatibility is one of the factors for rejection. But many people take this rejection personally and have to deal with issues of self-esteem and confidence. Such people even develop depression and anxiety.”

It is important to take rejection in one’s stride and also to be strong enough to turn down someone who is not an apt match in good time. The following factors can be kept in mind while searching for a partner:

DON’T STRETCH IT OUT

One should take a call after a few dates with the potential partner. Mental health counsellor Kavita Mungi says, “Meet his or her family and understand each other’s cultural, monetary and social value systems. Do not use delaying tactics if you are unsure or because you think someone else better-suited or better-looking might come along.”

TAKING A DECISION IN A HURRY

Though time is a major factor while looking for a partner in an arranged marriage setup, taking a decision in a hurry without giving enough time can also have its own share of repercussions.

Mungi agrees and says, “In an arranged marriage setup, it is very important to be cautious before taking the plunge. A certain degree of maturity and understanding is key to a good marriage. Reality can be very different from dreams.”

BUT NOT TOO CHOOSY

Being picky in search of a flawless relationship makes one lose the best of matches.

Clinical psychologist Tanushree Bhargava says, “Due to our social beliefs, younger is considered more eligible, and thus, people tend to be interested in younger partners. Also, people tend to look for a partner with more childbearing capabilities. So, as you grow older, you tend to be the one who is getting rejected by potential spouses.”

Mungi narrates the case of gynaecologist Dr Anita Nair (name changed), who had high expectations. She says, “Nair, an average looking lady, was looking for a fellow doctor as a groom who was tall, rich and good-looking. The prospective grooms would be moneyed, qualified, goodlooking or tall but rarely a combination of all these. When she did find people who fit her expectations, they were intimidated by her aggression and expectations. This led to a series of meetings over the years with no result, leading Anita to become bitter over time. Her high and unrealistic expectations left her without a partner even after several years.”

One should look for compatibility. The values, attitude, ideas, beliefs and ambitions of the two people should also match. The two should understand each other.

DR AMBRISH DHARMADHIKARI,

PSYCHIATRIST

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