DOORMATS ARE RARELY VALUED

CricketerturnedPakistan PM Imran Khan’s exwife, who penned her autobiography, says instead of exhausting themselves in finding a man and then keeping him from straying, women should celebrate their own achievements

Women should give up the complex of being the perfect wife, says author Reham Khan

British-Pakistani writer Reham Khan recently made waves for her autobiography outlining her twin troubled marriages, one of them to former Pakistani cricketer Imran Khan, now that country’s prime minister. In an interview with us, Reham says the book put her on the hit list of trolls and invited death threats, besides being called “vile” and “scandalous” with allegations that it was meant to destroy Imran’s political career just before the polls.

Reham, who had a shortlived marriage with Imran in 2015, says while details about Imran’s private life made headlines, it overshadowed the fact that the book also told the story of a woman who suffered, believing she was duty-bound to please the man in her life.

Reham says in the story of her own struggle to rebuild her life lies a message for countless women in the subcontinent, who find themselves trapped in traumatic marriages and silently put up with abuse, blaming only fate.

“Being the woman who [tolerates] all hardships for her man is a concept that a patriarchal society glorifies. Woh kahin bhi gaya, lauta toh mere paas aaya… says (poet) Parween Shakir. Be it poetry, our films or the very sexist TV soaps, a woman is portrayed as the perpetually crying wife who has to win over the unfaithful husband. The ideal woman is one that suffers quietly, dictates patriarchy. Why does a woman have to make endless sacrifices to win the right to be loved?” asks Reham. “Doormats are rarely valued. Men actually like women who are not that obsessed by the man in their life. I made the mistake of being too agreeable and catering to every need of my man. I had this complex of being the perfect wife. This comes from the subliminal messages girls learn from a young age, so even independent, spirited women like me entertain such notions,” says Reham, who married her first cousin when she was 19. After her divorce, she started working as a journalist, and married Imran in 2015. Their marriage lasted just 10 months.

The hell that Reham lived in both her marriages helped her counsel other women out of abusive relationships. But the biggest obstacle she faces is that most of them are convinced they are at fault. “Many proclaim to be feminists yet put up with abusive relationships themselves. In an abusive relationship, the perpetrator attacks your self esteem and the victim believes that they are at fault. The victim is made to feel ugly and incompetent. With their confidence crushed, they end up believing no one will love them and their fears multiply,” says Reham.

Reham herself was labelled a very bad woman as she didn’t put up with bad relationships. “In the subcontinent, in the event of a woman walking out on a man, it is always considered to be the woman’s fault. Society is obsessed with the image of a long suffering wife as the ideal. I try to teach people that there is nothing great or graceful in putting up with men behaving badly,” she says.

Reham urges women never to put up with deception in a relationship for the sake of society, children or parents. “Women need to snap out of this sati-savitri complex that I have had all my life too. Being the woman who perseveres in hardship for others is a concept a patriarchal society glorifies. Children who grow up in households where the mother is teary-eyed or in pain can’t snap out of this vicious cycle. Both my husbands hated their fathers for making their mothers so unhappy but they could not be different. They could not learn to be good husbands,” she says.

Talking about love, Reham says even the most intelligent and spirited women keep falling for wrong guys, as they are tricked into believing it’s love. “I think I was in love with the idea of love like many women are. It sadly doesn’t exist the way we see in films and novels. Men say things to convince us. The more experienced a man is, the better he is at convincing. I believed Imran when he said he had never met a woman like me and that he really needed my support. I should have been smarter but I was naïve. The problem is simple. We women don’t think whether we like the man or not. We like the fact that he is besotted with us,” says Reham.

Also, with very limited interactions with men all her life, she says she became an easy prey. “I missed out on going to a university and was married in my teens so never really learnt about the opposite sex. I then became a working single parent to three young children. I never got a chance to socialise with men. Imran pursued me like no man had and he talked about saving Pakistan and the poor. The social activist in me fell for it all,” she recalls.

After two traumatic marriages, Reham believes that women should learn to find their happiness in their own achievements.

“I see women worrying about ending up single and society telling us they need a man to protect and provide for them, but whenever I have been single I have had no grief in my life. I have been able to focus better on my children and my career and been happier and relaxed. People even say that I look better when I am single because obviously there is no stress. So what do I need a man for?” she says.

Men actually like women who are not that obsessed by the man in their life. I made the mistake of being too agreeable and catering to every need of my man. I had this complex of being the perfect wife. This comes from the subliminal message girls learn from a young age, so even independent, spirited women like me entertain such notions.

REHAM KHAN WRITER

Every time I was married, I suffered financially and there was abuse and stress in the marriage both from within and from the outside world. No man has ever come to my rescue. With or without a man, I have always fought my battles alone.