The story of cooks who cooked the goose

Acook is in the eye of a sand storm in Punjab. But the row may eventually cook the goose of his political master.

This reminds me of an incident during the ’80s when I was a young captain. We had skilled tradesmen in our unit. The carpenter, Hriday Ram, was a magician with his trade. He could see a picture and produce a replica in hours.

Ruldu, our barber, could put today’s ‘head masters’ to shame with his skill with the mane. Our cooks in the officers’ mess, Garu Ram and Krishnaiyya, were par excellence.

The headquarters was well informed of these assets in a unit under their command and thus would not miss an opportunity to avail of their services. We often war-gamed on how to keep our prized assets confined to the unit rather than for VIP duties. Ironically, a day’s borrow would extend to days, weeks and months at times.

The new general officer commanding (GOC) was to visit the formation and its units.

He was put up at the inspection bungalow and a dedicated mess detachment, comprising a cook, a masalchi (kitchen help) and a waiter, was to be provided, obviously by our unit, as part of the administrative arrangements for the boss.

Since it was the first visit of the tiger to the brigade, the brigade commander cautioned our commanding officer (CO), “The old man is a stickler and would like everything tickety-boo.”

The commanding officer , who by now was quite frustrated with his best guys having become public property of sorts, decided to rock the boat. He selected a raw cook, Sowar Shiv Lal, with barely three months of service to head the mess contingent for the boss.

The second-in-command and all of us, though steadfast in moral support of ‘enough is enough’, were quite convinced that our CO will cook his chips in the bargain.

The day arrived and this young untested cook was briefed by the second-in-command. “Shiv Lal, aapki koi shiqayat nahin aani chahiye (Ensure there is no complaint).” Shiv Lal saluted smartly, “Jai Hind saab”.

The GOC was not much of a party man and preferred a quiet dinner in his suite. He requested for cucumber soup as an appetizer. Shiv Lal got into the act with the second-in-command’s briefing clearly at the back of his mind.

He took his time, making the boss restless. The cold cucumber soup got to him when he was in the middle of scanning the unit’s inspection brochure.

The first sip and the next, and the brochure was forgotten. He demanded the cook be summoned before him pronto. A sheepish Shiv, escorted by Risaldar Mani Ram, the liaison officer, stood in rapt attention holding their breath as if just before being pronounced guilty.

The general got up from his study and hugged Shiv Lal, “Beta, aisa cucumber soup humne aaj tak nahin chakhaa (Son, I’ve never had such tasty soup).”

The next day, the unit was told that Shiv Lal will be accompanying the GOC to the flag staff house. The CO was personally complimented for excellent administrative arrangements. During his address, the GOC said, “A unit that has sound administrative skills will come out victorious in war.”

The CO was aghast. Yet another loss despite best efforts to the contrary! Shiv Lal returned after the GOC retired three years later.

In his interview with our second-in-command, now the commanding officer, the following transpired,” Shiv Lal, general saab ke saath reh kar aap kafi pakwaan banana seek gaye honge (You would’ve learnt to cook many dishes at the general’s place)?” Shiv Lal replied, “Saab, mujhe fauj se barkhaast kijiye taaki Hardoi mein cucumber soup ka apna kaarobar khol sakoon (Please relieve me from the army so that I can open my business of making cucumber soup in my hometown of Hardoi).”

THE COLD CUCUMBER SOUP GOT TO HIM WHEN HE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SCANNING THE UNIT’S INSPECTION BROCHURE. THE FIRST SIP AND THE NEXT, AND THE BROCHURE WAS FORGOTTEN