Be a me pleaser, not people appeaser

Itry to practice the art of acceptance and staying sangfroid in the face of provocation. I still find plenty of triggers but I control my emotions because of the fear of losing a loved one or getting embarrassed in public. There are little things that irritate. For instance, affections that people adopt like a friend who bids goodbye with an affected ‘hasta la vista’ or when we have to watch movies only out of politeness or attend get-togethers we’re hardly interested in or when we have to run off the feet, finding no me time even if it means disrupting our schedule to please others.

These observations make me think. Do we find it tough to say no? Is the approval of others so important for public grace and face? If you agree, let me guess the rest. We are all public pleasers, a phrase I came across during a conversation with a friend, who was caught in a battle within families and didn’t know with whom to side for the fear of annoying the other party. Trapped in an emotional dilemma, she was hurting herself the most. I made her read the words of Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu: “Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” Most of us undertake many tasks as a sense of duty rather than delight or desire to do it.

The happiness of people pleasers depends on the approval and praise of others. Their level of self-confidence and self-esteem are abysmally low and they get easily offended by the opinion of others. In their fear of being rejected or criticised, they struggle harder to get approval, putting pressure on themselves. The fact is that there are people who are watching. Some love your gesture, others hate it and still others don’t care what you do. It may sound clichéd but I believe the best way to live your life is just be you. Writer Paulo Coelho aptly observes, “When you say yes to others, make sure you aren’t saying no to yourself.” We may call it people pleasing but I believe it is entirely self-serving. It is really keeping yourself comfortable, boiled down, it could more accurately be called “me pleasing”.

We must value who we are and stop negating our abilities. Make a list of all that is good about you and learn to appreciate it. People are touchy about certain things today that one could probably laugh off a decade ago. A lot of us like to hold on to hurt but the fact is that we must move on, respecting our feelings. We need to make adjustments and in these little changes lies the magic. All we need to do is set the ball rolling in the right direction and know what makes us happy. We must learn to say no to what makes us fretful and robs us of our peace.

So change yourself. When you truly don’t get scared of what people think of you, you have reached a sublime and superior level of freedom. This sounds like an ideal state of bliss to happily sing with Ed Sheeran, “I can’t tell you the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.” Be at ease with yourself without bothering about anyone else. Be a me pleaser, not people appeaser.

WE MUST VALUE WHO WE ARE AND STOP NEGATING OUR ABILITIES. MAKE A LIST OF ALL THAT IS GOOD ABOUT YOU AND LEARN TO APPRECIATE IT