Decoding kitchen sinking

Does your partner throw all the complaints that they have about you in breathless runon sentences? Well, you’ve been dealing with a kitchen sinker. Experts tell you ways to handle it

W inning an argument in a relationship is like winning a chess match. Each argument has to be well thought off and strategically worded to win the battle without blowing the relationship out of the water. However, a few of us, at times, tend to cross the line by resorting to kitchen sinking, a term that came from Dr John Gottman’s research.

In 2007, Gottman, who is an American psychologist, was recognised as one of the most influential therapists of the past century. According to Gottman, kitchen sinking is an effective form of complaining where one of the partners decides to ‘throw everything in but the kitchen sink’, meaning every time an argument happens, they decide to list out every complaint and mistakes of yours. It’s like ever since the relationship began, they’ve been noting down every mistake you’ve made, every complaint they have against you. And the moment an argument starts, they bring out this little list of ‘Here’s what you have done wrong so far’ to win the argument and to put you down. According to relationship experts, Shivani Misri Sadhoo and Dr Anil Sethi, here are a few reasons why a partner might resort to kitchen sinking, why it’s harmful and how to deal with it:

WHY ONE RESORTS TO KITCHEN SINKING

To win: One of the primary reasons why one would resort to kitchen sinking is because they merely want to win the fight. For him/her, neither the relationship nor your feelings are not important. In such cases, the partner practising kitchen sinking is egotistical. By doing this, they make sure that the relationship is shortterm only. Inarticulate in their

expression: At times, a partner may do this because they have difficulty in expressing their emotions and

feelings. Another reason for this is poor communication skills. It’s not always that a partner may know how to complain constructively. Also, at times, they don’t want to address the issue directly. Doing this results in resentment. Possessiveness: Partners who are possessive and have attachment issues tend to kitchen sink. They are oversensitive during arguments and tend to get triggered easily. Therefore, they resort to different means to win a fight. No trust in the relationship: Kitchen sinking is an indicator that there is no trust in the relationship and the relationship is edging towards its end.

IT’S DESTRUCTIVE BECAUSE...

As the saying goes, “You may win the battle, but you will lose the war.” Kitchen sinking will make sure that there is no chance of reconciliation. Your partner may feel bullied, they fe blindsided by a barrage of criticisms and complaints. Also, if you resort to kitchen sink, then it indicates that you are diverting from the real issue. The partner who practices kitchen sinking omes across as dominating nd like a bully.

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT

Once you get into a habit of kitchen sinking, it’s tough to break. And it becomes tougher if you are not good at responding to criticisms. The first step to dealing with it is to become aware of it. Once you become aware of it, then you need to understand that if you have compliant. Then complain constructively. Be a better communicator by choosing the right words. However, the best way to deal with it is letting go of past grievances while arguing. When you argue, argue about the present and not the past and learn to move on.