Like some­one? Break the ice, but be as nor­mal as you pos­si­bly can

Hindustan Times (Lucknow) - Live - - TIME OUT - CYRUS BROACHA

I am an Amer­i­can, here in In­dia for work. My fe­male Amer­i­can col­league has a strong af­fec­tion for In­dian guys and doesn’t know how to go about meet­ing a ‘de­cent non­one­night­stand guy’. She is Latino and wasn’t sure if cul­tur­ally it was frowned upon for guys here to date out­side of their com­fort zone. Please ad­vice. GH

GH, I have a ques­tion. If you are re­ally Amer­i­can, how come you re­fer to your col­league as Latino, in­stead of Latina? You see how my nat­u­ral dis­tinct, sus­pi­cious na­ture, and full blown neg­a­tiv­ity serve me so well? Here’s my take in any case. In­dian men are sim­i­lar to all other men, ex­cept for the skin­nier legs, con­stantly wet palms, and a lot of sniff­ing. That be­ing said, with the right topic of con­ver­sa­tion, they can be eas­ily swayed. Most pop­u­lar of these top­ics would in­clude (a) their mother, (b) their mother’s mother, and (c) the ef­fects of Ar­ti­fi­cial In­tel­li­gence on the po­lit­i­cal struc­ture of third world coun­tries, up to and not in­clud­ing the year 2016. Please en­cour­age her to taste the lo­cal flavour. How­ever, just like men from all over the world, her chances of find­ing a gem re­main at 19,307 to 1.

I have been in a re­la­tion­ship for the last three months. At first, I thought it was true love. But, now, I am hav­ing sec­ond thoughts. May be I don’t love him. I may have said yes to his pro­posal due to peer pres­sure. What should I do now?

AS AS, go the same route — ask the peers. I mean, it stands to rea­son that if you lis­tened to them on the way in, you need their rec­om­men­da­tions on the way out! The fa­mous Jerusalem Juice Maker, El­blabad said that he al­ways lis­tened to his or­anges be­fore putting them in his juicer. He would fold the or­ange to his ear. If juice fell into his ear, he would aban­don that par­tic­u­lar or­ange, and some­times he would also wash his ear. AS, you must do the same — hold him to your ear, and please aban­don if there’s a leak­age. No point be­ing in a re­la­tion­ship if you re­ally don’t want to. I mean, what are you in the game for then? To please him? ‘Cause you were free last Tues­day? ‘Cause he’s got 100 fol­low­ers on In­sta­gram? C’mon if you

don’t like the or­ange, leave it.

I am 43 and a di­vorcee for 10 years. Last year, while in Viet­nam, I went for a mas­sage. And the masseuse liked me very much and ex­pressed a de­sire to marry me. I want to marry her. But my fam­ily won’t al­low me to do that. Can I marry her on my own and start my life in Viet­nam afresh? YS

YS, these are ques­tions you must ask your travel agent. Or at least a travel por­tal. It’s the old hot dog-and-mus­tard story. Do you just pour the mus­tard on the bread? Or do you first put the sausage on the bread? By now, I’m sure you have di­gested my point, but if you are one of those few who can’t un­der­stand ob­vi­ous metaphors, the ques­tion is: Do you have a proper high-pay­ing job with park­ing, in In­dia? If so, de­spite your fam­ily, you can start your life with her back in good ol’ Bharat. If you want to start afresh in Viet­nam, I say, you are 43; when do you

think would be an ideal age to start mak­ing in­de­pen­dent de­ci­sions — 53? By the way, you are mar­ry­ing a girl af­ter just one mas­sage. Just to be sure, why don’t you visit a cou­ple more masseuses be­fore you marry her? A girl in my of­fice stares at me all the time. I like her and I want to ap­proach her. Please help. Ja­cob

Use Google maps, Ja­cob; that’s the first thing that springs to mind. Or since it’s IPL sea­son, let me put it this way, and again I’m just putting this out there, I might be wrong, but why don’t you try just ap­proach­ing her in a nor­mal fash­ion? Fac­ing her, head up, with­out ear­phones, but nec­es­sary cloth­ing on. Don’t be too force­ful, don’t hug, just talk to her in a ca­sual, but friendly, man­ner. Take off your watch, and sim­ply ask her the time. ‘Break­ing the ice’ was a term used by the Eski­mos for good rea­son. Firstly, if they didn’t break through the ice that they had slipped on, they would die, and se­condly, af­ter break­ing through the ice, the first thing they would do is have a con­ver­sa­tion with a fel­low Eskimo, es­pe­cially if he was still breath­ing. So, go, break the ice, but please be as nor­mal as you can.

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