Like someone? Break the ice, but be as normal as you possibly can

I am an American, here in India for work. My female American colleague has a strong affection for Indian guys and doesn’t know how to go about meeting a ‘decent nononenightstand guy’. She is Latino and wasn’t sure if culturally it was frowned upon for guys here to date outside of their comfort zone. Please advice. GH

GH, I have a question. If you are really American, how come you refer to your colleague as Latino, instead of Latina? You see how my natural distinct, suspicious nature, and full blown negativity serve me so well? Here’s my take in any case. Indian men are similar to all other men, except for the skinnier legs, constantly wet palms, and a lot of sniffing. That being said, with the right topic of conversation, they can be easily swayed. Most popular of these topics would include (a) their mother, (b) their mother’s mother, and (c) the effects of Artificial Intelligence on the political structure of third world countries, up to and not including the year 2016. Please encourage her to taste the local flavour. However, just like men from all over the world, her chances of finding a gem remain at 19,307 to 1.

I have been in a relationship for the last three months. At first, I thought it was true love. But, now, I am having second thoughts. May be I don’t love him. I may have said yes to his proposal due to peer pressure. What should I do now?

AS AS, go the same route — ask the peers. I mean, it stands to reason that if you listened to them on the way in, you need their recommendations on the way out! The famous Jerusalem Juice Maker, Elblabad said that he always listened to his oranges before putting them in his juicer. He would fold the orange to his ear. If juice fell into his ear, he would abandon that particular orange, and sometimes he would also wash his ear. AS, you must do the same — hold him to your ear, and please abandon if there’s a leakage. No point being in a relationship if you really don’t want to. I mean, what are you in the game for then? To please him? ‘Cause you were free last Tuesday? ‘Cause he’s got 100 followers on Instagram? C’mon if you

don’t like the orange, leave it.

I am 43 and a divorcee for 10 years. Last year, while in Vietnam, I went for a massage. And the masseuse liked me very much and expressed a desire to marry me. I want to marry her. But my family won’t allow me to do that. Can I marry her on my own and start my life in Vietnam afresh? YS

YS, these are questions you must ask your travel agent. Or at least a travel portal. It’s the old hot dog-and-mustard story. Do you just pour the mustard on the bread? Or do you first put the sausage on the bread? By now, I’m sure you have digested my point, but if you are one of those few who can’t understand obvious metaphors, the question is: Do you have a proper high-paying job with parking, in India? If so, despite your family, you can start your life with her back in good ol’ Bharat. If you want to start afresh in Vietnam, I say, you are 43; when do you

think would be an ideal age to start making independent decisions — 53? By the way, you are marrying a girl after just one massage. Just to be sure, why don’t you visit a couple more masseuses before you marry her? A girl in my office stares at me all the time. I like her and I want to approach her. Please help. Jacob

Use Google maps, Jacob; that’s the first thing that springs to mind. Or since it’s IPL season, let me put it this way, and again I’m just putting this out there, I might be wrong, but why don’t you try just approaching her in a normal fashion? Facing her, head up, without earphones, but necessary clothing on. Don’t be too forceful, don’t hug, just talk to her in a casual, but friendly, manner. Take off your watch, and simply ask her the time. ‘Breaking the ice’ was a term used by the Eskimos for good reason. Firstly, if they didn’t break through the ice that they had slipped on, they would die, and secondly, after breaking through the ice, the first thing they would do is have a conversation with a fellow Eskimo, especially if he was still breathing. So, go, break the ice, but please be as normal as you can.