Want an ex back? Beg, plead, roll on the floor

I used to date a girl five years ago. She had dumped me for someone else back then. Now, after dating two guys and having flings with another, she wants to date me again. The breakup was painful for me and it took me a lot of time to come out it. I even tried convincing her to come back to me for at least two years. Should I take her back? Arun

Arun, I hope you don’t suffer a very common disease that affects males — chauvinism. What’s the connection between how many guys she has dated and whether you should take her back? Are you trying to suggest a correlation between her character and the number of guys she has dated? So, in short, please answer three questions: (a) Are you from the stone age? (b) Are you a believer in egalitarianism and universal adult suffrage? (c) Are you still scared of your mother? Arun, you spent two years trying to win her back, so, obviously you want her in your life. Get over the chauvinism, and get on with it.

A girl, who has rejected a lot of proposals from other guys in my college, is interested in me, according to my friends. They want me to propose to her. I have never seen any signs that she is interested in me. We have never even spoken. But I do like her. Do you think my friends are taking me for a ride? KT

The Canary Islands philosopher, Pootoo the Third, said, “Friendship is like toast; if you keep it out for too long, it gets stale”. Pootoo famously invited 4,000 guests for his 35th birthday, but to the wrong address. So, he could actually enjoy his birthday alone. KT, why are you allowing your friends to run your love life? You can’t take an Uber or Ola in the love game. You need to investigate this on your own. So far, you haven’t seen any signs of her being attracted to you. Please try and touch base with her. Have a little chit chat. See if she even wants to get to know you in the first place.

I was dating a girl for a year. Two months back, someone else proposed to me and I accepted her proposal. She had proposed to me a few days after her breakup. Now, she has gone back to her ex, and I am left in the lurch. I have tried convincing my ex to forgive me through messages as she doesn’t take my calls. What should I do? NS

NS, you have just played the game of ‘Double Jeopardy’; that’s the good news. The bad news? You have lost. You have poked the bear. And, please, I am not saying your first girlfriend is hairy. I mean, I have no knowledge of the same. Anyway, having disrespected her and then relegating her to a second division, how can you expect her to just take you back? You need to get into full begging mode. Prostrate yourself on the floor, and roll around her like that. Humiliate yourself, swallow your ego, and beg like a professional beggar. The only way she will take you back is if you show genuine remorse and, er, roll on the floor. And beg, and plead, and may be tickle her toes.

My girlfriend often compares me to other men and, by giving examples, says that I should behave like them. I have told her many times that I don’t like this habit of hers. But she refuses to listen. She never says anything good about me and complains all the time. What should I do? TF

TF, get used to it. A leopard never changes his spots, and a girlfriend can’t change her tune. Sometimes, a girlfriend can’t change her spots, and a leopard can’t change his tune. My wife often compares me to Lee Haney, eight times Mr Olympia. Her exact words are “Lee Haney is gorgeous, and you are …” (and then she laughs hysterically). So, just get used to it. You could try to fight back and compare her to Alia Bhatt or Anne Hathaway. However, I’d advise against it. Not implying double standards, but if she gets hurt, then your troubles will absolutely double. So, TF, take a deep breath, and swallow it all. If a leopard can do it, so can you.