‘Want romance? You need to be more dynamic, sometimes’

My girlfriend of two years finds fault in every little thing that I do. She just argues with me frequently. I don’t know what the reason is. She refuses to discuss it and says I need to change. Please help. Gautam

Gautam, are you so naïve? Are you so innocent? Are you Jugal Hansraj from Masoom? Couples argue my friend. In fact it’s the secret of a good relationship. The three pillars being (a) good oral hygiene, (b) no listening to music by Madonna, and (c) constant arguments. The world’s longest recorded marriage between Mr and Mrs Hideta of Japan went on for 79 years. When his wife died, Mr Hideta said that of all the things, he missed the arguing the most. Of course, as a mark of respect he had collected all her inner ear hair, too. Gautam, Gautam, enjoy the squabbling, and don’t let it get to you. It’s just the way things are. Grow your inner ear hair, you won’t hear a thing.

A few months back, I met a school friend after many years. Post that she became friends with all my friends, including the guy that I like and wanted to propose to. But, she has now given me the shock of my life. She told me she is dating the guy I like. My only fault is that I hadn’t told her I liked him. What should I do? NT

NT, I suppose there’s no point in scolding you. But I would like you to punish yourself by holding your ears and doing twenty squats in a public place. It was Chen Chai Chen who gave us the phrase “the early bird catches the worm”. Chen Chai Chen in fact followed the worm every morning, so that after bird caught the worm, he caught the bird, and so in a sense in Chinese folk love the idiom changed to the “Early Chen Chai Chen catches the bird who got up early and caught the worm”. NT, you missed your worm. In fact in your case Chen Chai Chen, caught your worm, when you were not looking. You hesitated and your friend didn’t. Don’t blame her. You want romance? You need to be more dynamic, sometimes.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she thinks I cheated on her. One of her friends told her that I was twotiming and she believed her. It’s been two months and she refuses to talk. In fact, I have heard that she is over me and is seeing someone else. What can I do? Lost

Lost, Trust is a terrible thing. Why did she not trust you and believe you? Are you known to be a liar, a cheat, a murderer, or worse a tax evader?

My gut feeling is that she refused to believe you, because she wanted out of the relationship, and was looking for an excuse. You know like how ‘Henry the VIII’ after getting bored with a wife, would find any reason to kill her, such as “Please just kill her, while I make up a good reason for her execution”. (Those were his exact words recorded at the time of Aun Boleyn’s execution). She’s seamlessly slipped into another affair. Stop fretting, and move on.

My girlfriend is possessive of me to the point that I am not allowed to talk to girls. My friends advise me to break up. But I love her a lot and I can’t live without her. What to do? Neil

Neil, there’s always a way around. I took up Russian in my first year junior college. In the first term, I got 7 marks out of 50. The teacher warned me that I’d have to work hard. As any sincere 16 year old would, I worked hard and passed in the second term. I mean I copied the answers from my friend Aarti. So, you too must have a plan. Preferably involving someone called Aarti. I mean, she forbids you from talking to girls. But that doesn’t include messaging and texting, but please avoid winking at all costs. Show her you are no push over. Firmly, yet gently, begin by talking to girls she likes, with her being present. Push her back, little by little.