‘THIS CONDITION HAS TESTED ME’

Irrfan, who is currently being treated for a neuroendocrine tumour in London, says the illness has given him a fresh perspective on life

Irrfan is one of the few Bollywood actors who is as coveted in Hollywood, too, as he is in India. From doing offbeat films in the Hindi film industry and working with Mira Nair, to collaborating with Wes Anderson and Ang Lee in the West, he has seen it all. However, all that was put on hold when he was diagnosed with a neuroendocrine tumour. The actor is currently undergoing treatment for the illness in London. Although, Irrfan has stayed away from the public eye, he still has films up for release. In an interview, sounding not morbid at all, Irrfan says life is mysterious and has a lot to offer. He adds that his days are unpredictable now, and he was missing this spontaneity.

How are you doing?

I’ve seen life from a completely different angle. You sit down and you see the other side and that’s fascinating. I’m engaged on a journey.

There’s been a lot of speculation in the media about your condition and you’ve made pleas on social media not to trust the reports. But what do you want people to know about what you’re going through?

There are challenges that life throws at you. This condition has tested me in all aspects — physical, emotional and spiritual. It has put me in a state of rapture. Initially, I was shaken. I didn’t know. I was very, very vulnerable. But slowly, I discovered another way to look at things, that is much more powerful, productive and healthier. I just want people to believe that nature is extremely trustworthy and one must trust that. It offers so much that you feel thankful. I would have never reached this state even if I had meditated for 30 years. But this sudden jolt has put me on a platform from where I can now look at things in a completely different manner. And for that, I am really thankful. I know it sounds strange, but they [people] should trust nature rather than feeling sad. They should trust that whatever is the outcome, it will be for the best.

What is your daytoday life like, now? Are you reading scripts or planning to work at all?

No, I’m completely out of reading scripts. This has become a surreal experience. My days are unpredictable. [Earlier], I could never practise unpredictability and spontaneity. That has happened now. I don’t plan. I go for breakfast, and then I don’t have a plan. I take things as they come. That has been really helping me a lot. I’m just spontaneous. And I’m loving this experience.

There was something missing in my life. I was feeling a little manipulated by myself, by my own mind. There was a kind of disharmony in myself. It was bothering me. And I think this is what I was missing… this spontaneity. I know, because we live in a world that is packed with plans. It sounds unrealistic. How could you live your life like that? But life is so mysterious and has so much to offer, we don’t really try things. And, I’m trying and I’m loving it. I’m in a really fortunate state.

You’re going through treatments in London. Is there anything that you can share about it?

I have had the fourth cycle of chemo. And I need to have six cycles, and then we need to have a scan. After the third cycle, the scan was positive. But we need to see after the sixth scan. And then we’ll see where it takes me. There’s no guarantee of life with anybody. I could let my mind tell me to hang a kind of chip on my neck and say, ‘I have this disease and I could die in a few months, or a year or two.’ Or, I could just avoid this conversation completely, and live my life the way it offers me. And it offers so much. I admit [earlier] I was walking around with blinders. I couldn’t see what it offered me.

So is there some sort of clarity with this experience?

Exactly, and clarity came like lightning. You stop your contemplation, you stop your planning, you stop the noise… You see the other aspect of it. Life offers you so much. That’s why I feel like I have no other words, but thanks. There are no other words, there is no other demand, there is no other prayer.

Your Hollywood film, Puzzle, appears to be a departure from the ‘bigger’ Hollywood films you’ve become known for. What’s your take on it?

I was looking for something for a long time in Hollywood. I have been reaching for this, for a personal experience where I could invest myself. This character had complexity and a strange unpredictability where he himself doesn’t know where things are moving, and is in a limbo state. There are so many interesting angles to this person. I was looking for something to redefine my involvement in a story, where my soul could entangle with the story.

And, the simplicity of writing was fantastic. It was a complex situation, but I love [the fact] that the way it comes out of the characters’ mouths is very simple. So, I fell in love it with it and I shifted my schedule in India and said, ‘I’m going to do it.’ It worked out and I really loved it.