Spend quality time with kids during the crucial moments!

Ever since I have started doing a fulltime management course the quantity of time I spend with my 2yearold daughter has fallen drastically. I had quit my job after she was born and was a fulltime mom till I joined this course. The fact that I am not around for her makes me feel very guilty. My friends keep telling me it is the quality and not the quantity of time you spend with our child that is important however I somehow am unable to accept it — will she ever forgive me for not being there for her? Will me not being with her have an adverse effect on her psychologically — I stay in the family accommodation hence she is with me just that since she is with her nanny the whole day and I have seen her becoming very dependent on her — to the extent she sometimes prefers the nanny to me; that makes me very sad. (Distressed Mom)

I am afraid I don’t have good news for you here. Your friends are wrong! An infant (up to 3 years of age), has no clue (or concern), about the quality of time, a term often used by people to justify their pursuit of their interests (I know it sounds cruel, but that is what it usually is). Attachments, that are the basis of an infant’s capacity to form relationships in life, tend to develop between the age of 6 months and 3 years. These attachments happen with people who are responsive to their needs (especially those during distress), and more often than not, the foundation to these is determined by the infant’s social relationship with the mother. In the case of your daughter, it is likely to happen with the nanny.

The good news is that if the nanny is sensitive to the child, the emotional development of the child would be normal. All I can suggest for your conundrum is to spend as much time as you can with your daughter. Especially if you can be there during the crucial moments (feeding time/toilet/cleaning/sleeping time/waking time), you could make up for some of the void. In any case stop feeling guilty for it’s an informed decision that you have taken after due deliberation. Make sure she has a good nanny and do your best.

Q: Could you please send me the correct meaning of the Gayatri Mantra. (Archit)

Om Bhoorbhuvah swah tatsaviturvarenyam. Bhargodevasya dheemahi dhiyo yo nah prachodayat!

You are the one who created us and are now nourishing us. We get our life from you and you are the remover of our plight and misery. The light of your supremacy falls all over the universe and you are inside each and every element on this universe. We concentrate on you and you alone and ask for your inspiration so that you guide our mind and intellect towards the path of wisdom and greatness!

Have any questions about life, management, philosophy, education, literature, yoga, mountaineering in India, or psychological issues or all of these? Ask Himanshu Rai. He is a Professor at IIM Lucknow, an author, mountaineer, yoga enthusiast and a Sanskrit scholar. Mail at askhimanshu@htlive.com Disclaimer: The responses in this column given by me are based on my learnings and experience. They should, by no means, be taken as a substitute for medical/professional help.